Here is what I gave my WH after he broke no contact last year. I needed to think through who I wanted to be as a partner as well, so part of this list addresses my commitment to the M. I also felt like our previous discussions hadn't sunk in. I needed to spell a lot of this stuff out. I was getting toward the end of my rope after he contacted her. And I was close to leaving.
<<Reconciliation list: I have tried to write out some requirements for trying to reconcile. I wrote out a list of things that I need from you and that I will try to do for you. There is a lot of symmetry between those lists. Maybe because these are things that I believe we need to heal ourselves and to build a healthy new relationship.
My needs going forward:
1) no contact- absolutely no contact with ow. If there are any attempts at contact by the ow, i am to be informed of them immediately. If it is a text or email, do not open or delete. Forward to me, and let me know immediately via phone. If there is any attempt at phone contact, do not answer. If you answer inadvertently, inform in 1 -2 sentences, that you do not want to hear from her. That you are in reconciliation and in love with me, and any contact is not welcome. Again, you contact me immediately to notify me of the conversation and its content. And approx length of time. Obviously if you feel the urge to contact her again, you do not contact her. You bring it to me in counseling or one on one. A marriage is between two people. If you still want her in it, you do not want to be married.
2) daily truth and transparency - no secrets, no lies. All email and electronic devices are completely open to me. Share new passwords, etc. Also transparency of daily schedule. I should know where you are and with whom throughout the days. Along with this almost logistical transparency, there is also need for true and full honest communication. When something bothers either of us, we need to share it with each other. And we also should share the good stuff, what we really appreciate or cherish in our lives. No attempts to manage each other by witholding information.
3) complete honesty and transparency regarding the A. All my questions will be answered truthfully, and fully. If you are not sure of the answer, think on it. If you remember something later that you didn't share, bring it up or email it. I will ask for the level of detail that I need. That is not up to you. No more secrets with ow. This includes eventually completing the timeline or the telling of the story of the A. Eliminating the secrets shared by you and ow helps me heal, and provides a new foundation upon which to build a new marriage. I am, as should be obvious, willing to go through this slowly and carefully. But drawing it out is hurting me and my emotional health. I want to process this and have no more secrets between us. Please do not try to manage my healing or the story by withholding or controlling the information that you give me.
4) your healing- individual counseling is a must for you to become a safe and healthy partner- husband and father. I do not support you ending individual counseling unilaterally. I am open to talking with your individual counselor if you two feel that would be helpful at any point. But I respect your counseling and need for privacy there. I will share and have shared some of the things that I hope you work on in individual counseling. You are responsible for your own healing, which goes beyond counseling. You will likely need to read books, journal, and communicate. Reading and posting on SI.com would also support your healing, my healing, and the healing of our marriage. We can work out ground rules, so that you feel safe there.
5) marital counseling- I think we will have to revisit this depending on new MC and counseling options. I think it is helpful for us to have a safe space and someone to help us navigate things as they arise. We can try other MC or one of our counselors for an occasional tough issue.
6) you support my healing- by listening non-defensively, accepting my venting, expressing your love, apologizing as appropriate, etc., etc., etc. It is really supportive to me when you also think proactively about triggers and supporting my healing. Maybe coming up with new ideas, making suggestions or just trying new things. Some may help, some may not. But things like suggesting sa marriage retreat, pursuing a christmas alternative, coming up with new ways to touch base, etc are really helpful. I will continue to tell you what I need, but it helps a lot to have you being proactive.
7) Protect the marriage and family. Many of the steps above contribute to a healing and nurturing environment. In addition, it is important to establish full and proper boundaries. Particularly with any person who could / might become an affair interest. And addressing boundaries with 'friends' who overstep them. Reporting any problems with boundaries, on your part or on that of others will help us work through this together. Just things that make you uncomfortable or that you think would make me uncomfortable.
What I offer in committing to reconciliation?
1) 100% in. I am committed to healing myself and building a new marriage with you. As long as we are both working on healing ourselves and building a new marriage, and are respecting the reconciliation requirements, I would like to take D and other soul-killing negotiations off the table. The A may still end up being a deal breaker, but I don't know that now.
2) work on healing myself
3) support your healing
4) share my needs with you and listen to you
5) protect our marriage by maintaining healthy boundaries and by providing you with a safe place to share and heal.
6) transparency- my schedule and activities if you want it
7) honesty including proactive honesty- not sitting on my feelings or stuffing them down
8) I will strive to appreciate you and the changes and progress you are making
9) making time for each other (1 on 1) and sharing my life with you