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B.F.F. doesn't get it

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purplejacket4 posted 9/7/2013 17:09 PM

Let me preface this by saying I hate weddings. My father was a minister and presided at a ton of them when I was a child. And I always had to go. And arrange the audio (no instrumental music), and cut cake, and clean up afterwards. I also did wedding photography to help couples out. And half the time the people were divorced in five years and that just made me feel like I'd been used. So I hated going to them anyway before there was an affair in my own relationship.

So now to the present. One of our new medical interns is marrying one of our recent medical graduates. So they are both in their twenties and both doctors. They invite me to their wedding. I politely decline by their RSVP invitation. Then the intern facebooks me how upset she is that I'm not going. I make more polite excuses.

So the next day BFF (who is the attending physician working with the intern right now) texts me that said intern is really upset and wants me to go. I text back. NO. Then BFF tells me I'm being stubborn and need to put on my big girl panties and just go. I texted back that I have no interest in going to weddings especially after fWS cheated on me. I just cannot stand them.

BFF then texts back that mine and fWS relationship problems have nothing to do with their wedding and I need to go or she (BFF) is going to tell them why.

Well, I flipped out and called her on the phone. She says "I'm teaching class" I said "I don't give a fuck. You don't send a hateful text like that and then not talk to me." It was not a pleasant conversation. Evidently BFF has NO IDEA how much this affair has wounded me in the last 20 months. She said it is because I don't confide in her about how upset I am. I don't because she is close to fWS also and I don't want to triangulate her.

She hung up on me and sent me a text later telling me to go to my therapist. I sent her one back telling her I intended to next week and for her to not triangulate herself with me and other people. I also told her Little Miss Intern needed to grow up and not everyone revolves their life around her wedding plans. BFF and I have had a detente since.

Anyone else hate weddings?
Anyone else feel their BFF or family member Does.Not.Get.It?!?

Morhurt posted 9/7/2013 18:10 PM

Ugh. I could not attend a wedding now, no way!

My mom does t get it. She knows everything he did (basically) but feels that because he is my "best friend" I should let it go.


Broken1Again posted 9/7/2013 18:20 PM

I wouldn't be to hard on your BFF. I honestly believe that until it happens to you it's one of those things that people think "isn't she over it yet?"

No it's not your job to help her to get it, but maybe if she is telling you you don't share, then maybe she is asking you to share because she cares. If she's your BFF then I would assume you would get her in the divorce? (know what I mean) if that's the case then you should feel you can talk to her. You're never triangulating your BFF unless they aren't really your BFF. They should be your trench buddy just like you would be theirs. Maybe, if you feel she's trustworthy, then you should confide in her a bit more about your hurt. You don't have to if you're not willing but I'll tell you, I would give anything to be able to call a "BFF" right now and just have them listen...

I hope you work it out with her if she's worth working it out with. I work in the wedding industry and of course I always have to smile when I'm at weddings, but every now and then I feel jaded and wonder why does anyone bother..."he's just going to cheat anyways", but that's on me and I don't like that feeling.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 6:20 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]

authenticnow posted 9/7/2013 18:37 PM

I think your friend is being insensitive and self centered.

I ended my friendship with my BFF of 14 years because she kept saying to me about my BH, "Isn't he over it already? Why is he dwelling on this, why can't he move on?"

That, among other things, made me realize she was not a good friend.

Anyway, I think you have a right to decline if it's not your thing, and I also think that your not confiding in her is not wrong. It's very personal and your reason for not sharing is valid.

I'm sorry your friend is being so insensitive and unsupportive.

Sad in AZ posted 9/7/2013 18:57 PM

First and foremost, how dare someone who considers you a BFF threaten to out your private life.

However, I also have to play devil's advocate. If you consider her your BFF, why not confide in her and let her make her own decisions about triangulation between her, you and fws?

painpaingoaway posted 9/7/2013 19:49 PM

Well, I don't hate weddings, they just make me a little sad.

But as far as BFF's not 'getting it', yeah, mine really doesn't. And I feel it's sort of another betrayal. During my 'rage' stage, I was listening to a lot of rageful music, I was making my sarcastic little Xtranormal videos, and every time I would come up with a new song or video I would message my BFF a link.

Well, after one or two links, she sends me back a message saying not to send her anymore of those links because she "will no longer participate in my 'wallowing' in my pain"! WTF!!!!!! This is my BFF of 30 yrs!!!!

I still can't even fathom it. Very very strange. We have supported each other thru every life crisis for 30 yrs, and after a few months of my suffering she abandons me?

So, basically, I was alone in my pain until I found SI.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/7/2013 20:41 PM

my bff would never get it either. She would listen but think poorly of me or something....her H is perfect. Their life is perfect. Their kids are perfect etc. Yet, her H cheated on her too but she sees things differently. I have no one to talk to. I really only told people here.

Lionne posted 9/7/2013 21:40 PM

I hear you loud and clear. Without going into massive details, my bff just doesn't want to hear my pain, yet I am a great friend when she needs one, often.
As an example, trying to share with her my heartache over my DS's recent relapse, she was less than understanding about the nature of addiction and the powerlessness. "Your love will get him through." When I said that one simply couldn't"love"away addiction she got angry and dismissive and returned the discussion to her problems.
I come to SI for real support.

Stillstings posted 9/7/2013 23:29 PM

Do people completely lack social cues these days? No means NO. You did nothing wrong here, you politely declined. People opt out of weddings all the time for various reasons.

Harassing or emotionally blackmailing people into attending is just rude and tacky.

Dreamland posted 9/8/2013 00:45 AM

Well almost 1 yr after DDay I went to my co workers wedding.. I felt we needed to go.. We were showing solidarity and No one knew except a close friend who works with me because when I found out about the A my husband called work to say I was sick.....but the girl getting married didn't know a thing... I didn't want to be sour on marriage.. unfortunately at the bachelorette party two nights before, her and another coworker thought I was having an affair... I had been losing weight and running and dressing nicer... I kind of blew Up not upset more angry that i could or would do I told them not me but my H.
Anyway the wedding wasn't too bad and Yes I felt like a fraud. More like frozen. I was happy for them but no tears like normally I would have. The A has made me sour about Marriage but I kept it to myself. If 50% of marriage have infidelity then I was in good company.. I often look around now at couples and wonder who has been betrayed. We really aren't alone but too embarrassed to open up.
Anyway speaking of BFF.. We go back to before I knew my husband 1983.. And I was there when she found out about her WH. It was hard for me to understand. I supported her and did try to make sure D was the right thing. It's hard to see your BEst friend fall apart. And I loved them both. I had gotten married my then and my H was good friends with her H. So it was tough. She stopped hanging out with us. I think because we were happily married with a little one.
And way fast forward to my WH and his affair. She was in shock. And she has remarried since with her second little one. I have reached out so many times but honestly I think that my H affair scared her... She really thought he would never ever.. I think it reopened her insecurities. .Well first she was like don't forgive him and talked to a lawyer. Maybe she is right but I am trying to get through it and forgive.
So maybe listen to your BFF and maybe try to go to the wedding if you value her friendship. It might not be as bad as you think.
Good luck and smile remember you are better than 50% of the cheaters around us..

gma56 posted 9/8/2013 01:14 AM

I don't hate weddings, I really do pray they can achieve what my marriage didn't come close to having.

About the BFF. Her lack of empathy would make me pull back from her. I don't expect someone to understand the deep pain that happens after infidelity if they never have experienced it but not having empathy is a dealbreaker for me. And to call you out !?!? Hell no !
Hugs, what we always say around here, when they show you who they are, believe them.

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