Member # 40312
| Posted: 9:23 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013|
I need some feedback!!. Today IC in our third session with a therapist who specializes in infidelity. The therapist suggested that I should be ready to let go off 90% of my emotions surrounding his EA start working on the 10%.So we can move forward.. I stood up for myself. I felt like this was a little premature. It has been less the 3 month since my WH sent a video to the OW asking her to take a leap off faith and move to our state to start a life with him. Not to mention I discovered that he maintained an EA with her the whole time we have been together . It only stopped after Dday. He has given me access to everything. So I am 99% sure he has no contact. The therapist back down but cautioned me to be careful. Because I could become a bitter woman if I cannot move forward . So here is what I need help with. I am doing my work: keeping my journal, I am down to checking his email/phone to once a week. I went three weeks until I was triggered so hard I brought her up anger . Am I crazy ??? I thought I was making ok progress . Should I be ready to put 90% behind me? Is there a timeline ? I left feeling pretty hopless and like I just don't have it in me to heal myself and this relationship . Which I shared with both therapist and WH. Am i stuck or just the norm ?Any advice out there would be helpful ??
Dday June 20/23 2013
Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Tinker01
Member # 39169
| Posted: 9:28 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013|
Say what???? Let go of 90% after 3 mos??? This sounds like a counselor who got her certification from an ad in the back of a magazine and threw out a shingle. I don't think you will find anyone on SI backing her statement. 2-5 years is more the norm. Time for a new therapist.
40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.
Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38044
| Posted: 9:34 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013|
At 3 months out my wife was still very much in a fog...and I had not processed 10% of what the hell was going on.
We are all different, so I don't know your coping skills...could be much better than mine.
Perhaps the therapist was just fishing to see where you are at?
I have a personal goal of NOT becoming a bitter person after processing this....I wanted to get through this as fast as I could....but it does look like the 2-5 year timeframe mentioned on here and in numerous infidelity books seems to be a pretty good guide. So 90 days is not reasonable to be 90% processed....IMO.
God be with you.
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 40312
| Posted: 11:11 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013|
Thank you both for your validation .. I really needed it.
Dday June 20/23 2013
Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Tinker01
Member # 40166
| Posted: 12:23 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013|
My dd was early June and I am definitely not 90% over it! I'm just getting over the disbelief basically. I wish I was on the 90 day plan but me thinks it's more like the 900 day plan!
Maybe look for a new MC. Our first one sucked.
And good for you for sticking up for yourself, that's not easy to do!
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.
Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 40475
| Posted: 2:25 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013|
Less, than 3 months? 90% ? Absurd.
There are stages for this, as there are in the stages of grief.
I could see he prompting you to talk about what positives things have happened with your WH doing most of the heavy lifting and you perhaps showing him your approval for that.
But, a short enforced timeline seems silly. There are so many factors and no real deadline that i have experienced or read about. I felt like it took me about 2 years to feel secure that we were both on the same page again after the first time 16 years ago. I have also read that approximate length of time from a few sources, but no one has ever said 'You should be here by this time, or there by that time, no one, that I have ever heard about.
You will know when you don't need to check so often and you will know if you are maybe obsessing or maybe have gotten into the habit of it, rather than the need. There are days when i tell myself I am not going on SI today, or maybe I will but once, later in the day, so i don't get too wound up in it, which I can. A lot of it makes me sad for the people that are struggling much more than I feel I am now.
Sometimes to me it sounds like therapists set deadlines so they can tell themselves they are being effective.
[This message edited by PamJ at 2:26 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]
Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.
Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40133
| Posted: 5:03 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013|
Tinker, it seems that we are very close (only off by a few days!) in terms of DDay. I can tell you that I have definitely NOT let go of even 50% of my emotions surrounding any of this mess! The roller coaster is in full motion...we have good days, and we have really, REALLY bad days.
I've read here on SI that it can take upwards of TWO YEARS OR LONGER to really process the emotions of the WS's A. So, no...I do not think you are crazy!
Me (BW): 34
SAFWH (1DumbHusband): 37
Married 7 years with 2 beautiful kiddos
BIG D-Day: June 17th, 2013
Too many freaking TTs that nearly cost us our marriage; currently in reconciliation.
"Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision."
Posts: 323 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 38139
| Posted: 5:19 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013|
After only 3 sessions with you, and 3 months after dday, this IC says you should be ready to let go????? Sorry, but WTF...no, seriously, WTF??? Of course you feel hopeless...this IC is making you feel hopeless by rushing/pressuring you into moving faster than you are ready to. I am 8 1/2 mos in and i am just now starting to feel like i am processing, wrapping my head around stuff and seeing flickers of hope. Its a process that takes as long as it takes for YOU. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and dont let anyone put a time limit on you. do what feels right to you. Take your time, and work thru your emotions at your pace.
This sounds like a counselor who got her certification from an ad in the back of a magazine
^^^ this times a million. Time for new IC.
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"
Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 34319
| Posted: 5:31 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013|
I would step away from that counselor. Is this your IC? Because it also sounded like a MC? If it is your IC, I am out. I would walk and find a new IC. If it is an MC, I might also walk. But I would address it again in session to try to figure out what therapist meant by letting go of the 90%? Maybe that is clear to you but not to me from the post. I would give therapist one more chance to clarify.
But no, I don't think you would be able to let go of 90% of that after 3 months. He could be jumping through all kinds of hoops and I still wouldn't be comfortable. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself.
D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 34689
| Posted: 3:05 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
There is nothing more to be said.
You have an incompetent counselor.
This is completely absurd, and I'm coming at this from a medical background. If one of my patients was told something like that, by any counselor for any reason, I'd tell them not to see the counselor again and help them find someone else.
BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.
Posts: 1151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 39439
| Posted: 3:53 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Get another counsellor. Obviously, this one is not very experienced with marital problems and infidelity.
And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
|Topic Posts: 11|