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OW lack of apology. Fws opinions welcine

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Peanut5 posted 9/8/2013 06:39 AM

We are two years out. Healing strong Yet the OW who was very close to our entire family has never apologized. Or shown remorse towards us. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I know how I would react if I ever hurt someone. Can anyone help me with this? Honest insight please. She appears happily going on in life. She is still young ..,only 22. Is it youth? That generation? Clearly my husband was 100% at fault. I was betrayed double whammie.

Williesmom posted 9/8/2013 06:42 AM

It's selfishness and entitlement.

Stop giving her space in you head. She doesn't deserve it.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/8/2013 06:46 AM

I don't think she will ever apologize. I don't many OW ever do. They feel entitled to what they stole.

selkiescot posted 9/8/2013 06:47 AM

She hasex with a married man. At the very least it shows she has.....issues. I wouldn't expect and apology from her. It might be guilt, bad manners or just plain dumb assitude. I would move on and not worry about her. She doesn't deserve your thoughts.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 12:08 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/8/2013 06:59 AM

Without knowing exactly what happened, its hard to say. she was half his age, in many ways a,child still.

Maybe she feels like your H seduced her, so she now hates him. No apology likely. She's glad to hand him back to you.

Maybe she's immature.

Maybe she felt like she loved him and still wants him, combined with your H having told her lies about how he felt toward her. She's then lied to herself to help her rationalize and justify her behavior. Her lies have convinced her she did nothing wrong. Why apologize when you've done nothing wrong? She might think you owe her an apology, since in her mind she thinks she never would have gotten involved with your H if you hadn't been such an insufficient wife, etc.

Maybe it was her first sexual experience, and she is traumatized?

What were the circumstances behind your H deciding to have sex with a 19 year old?

Peanut5 posted 9/8/2013 07:16 AM

Well..she had been a part of the family for 4 years before A. Loads of flirting. Her dad was nonexistent. My H felt like a KISA. Our marriage was rocky. He was angry for years. Issues he finally dealt with after discovery. I think the age was a boost. He says that after the first time he lost all respect for her. When I look back, he was a shell of a man. He knew when this came out, it would end out marriage. When I didn't kick him out, he did some serious inner work. He is no where near the man I married. Nor am I the same. We both needed work. I am still shocked by his methods. But I 100% know the man beside me now would never make the same choices. The age was an ego boost And she gave it easily. She was witness to our marriage struggles and I truly believe she thought our marriage would end and she would have someone to take care of her. I know my H is deeply deeply ashamed and horrified with his behavior

Peanut5 posted 9/8/2013 07:19 AM

And it wasn't her first. I don't believe she was traumatized. I look back at myself at that age. I was still wise enough to make better choices. But I do remember also being selfish and lacking the experience of empathy.

heartache101 posted 9/8/2013 07:22 AM


Maybe in years to come she will mature intona responsible adult. Maybe then she will apologize?

I sincerely hope your husband digsdeep to figure out what possessed him to have intercourse with a person so young at his age.
I never can wrap my head around men in their 40s screwing young 18 19 year old girls.
She is just a child hopefully in time she will get what she was a part of.

I never got an apology from my husbands women.

[This message edited by heartache101 at 7:24 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]

Bobbi_sue posted 9/8/2013 08:09 AM

I don't think she will ever apologize. I don't many OW ever do.
I find that few people actually apologize for their selfish acts and hurting others. It is not limited to cheaters, though.

musiclovingmom posted 9/8/2013 08:10 AM

The three I knew and who knew me - OW#1 didn't tell, hasn't apologized and still fishes occasionally. OW#2 - refuses to admit she did anything wrong. Her response is always 'I was being a good friend'. OW#5 - apologized when she outed him for having to tell me this and played the pity card nicely until my H sent her an NC saying she was a mistake and he should have spent all that time and effort on me. Then she got nasty.

Also, honestly, I've decided that an apology wouldn't make it better. Sorry alone does almost nothing when my H says it and the OW aren't likely to be specific about what they are sorry for. Another broken person involved in a fantasy to cure their ails. I've taken to praying for them. Maybe someday they will heal themselves so they don't inflict this pain on another unsuspecting woman.

Kelany posted 9/8/2013 08:10 AM

My husband had four AP's. Two apologized to me. One it was an apology while she threw my husband under the bus with several lies (she even contradicted herself) and the other seemed sincere but it too was more about her.

But, what I also wonder...has your husband ever apologized to HER? For his part? Would you want him to? It doesn't matter if he wasn't her first, he was still so much older than her. She essentially was still a child. You may not think she's traumatized, but you can't know for sure. You may not think she wasn't hurt, but you don't know. You may not think he manipulated her, but you don't know.

I guess, I have a unique view on this I that my husband tried to become involved with a 19 year old last summer when he was 35. This is what ultimately led to our second epic DDay. He was her boss. (All his AP's were employees). Except this time, this young woman, did NOT accept his advances, and turned him in to HR. My husband was fired for sexual harassment. I never blamed HER but rather my husband. Because HE was the "adult" with more time under his belt. This girl had just graduated high school. It was my husband's responsibility to not go there (or after anyone).

Even if this young woman had given in to my husband, I still wouldn't have blamed her. Who is the adult so to speak?

I know my view may be harsh, but given that this girl had an absentee father, many issues of her own, goodness knows what was going through her head. It doesn't give her a pass by any means at all. However, I wouldn't expect or need an apology from her. Goodness knows how the experience messed with her head, even if you don't think it did. IIRC she was your daughter's friend. I'm sure it had to have some weird impact on her.

I know your husband has changed (as has mine). For me, the fault lies with my husband for even thinking about coming on to a 19 year old girl. I hope, in time, he somehow (through his sponsor, through me) makes amends to her.

Peanut5 posted 9/8/2013 08:22 AM

His version is that it was a mutual attraction. A sick one at that. He certainly saw his power in it. It was mutually agreed upon to be just sexual. He told her he was not leaving his marriage. He has apologized profusely to her in the past. She did harass us in many ways the last two years. Mostly aimed at myself. I still hold maternal feelings in regards to her. I did care for her and she used that to her advantage.

Peanut5 posted 9/8/2013 08:40 AM

Also porn had a lot to do with it. They sent each other a lot of sexual images. None of him. Only of her

Hrtbrken1 posted 9/8/2013 08:47 AM

Peanut, I second what Samantha said. So she was 16 when she became close to your family? Still in so many ways a child looking for a father figure. We can't predict how someone will feel in the future, maybe when she's in her 30's something life-changing will happen to her. She'll change, and try to apologize. Or not. Who knows? But it seems this girl is more to be pitied and ignored then to hope for a sudden change of heart. I never got a "real" apology from MOW (who was a friend of the family), just a lot of blameshifting.

Kelany posted 9/8/2013 08:47 AM

I think in time, and believe me I know it takes time, processing, acceptance, etc. you have to let it go.

You're likely never going to get an apology. If you were to confront (not saying you would) and force it, it would be very insincere. I thought an apology would make me feel better. It didn't. At all. It just made me feel worse.

In theory, if full responsibility were accepted it might, but I'm not counting on it. At this point, I'm just focusing on US. Not THEM. The apologies from my husband I know are sincere. That's what I need anyway in my healing.

It took me some time to get to this point though, and I fully understand that. I think it's a process.

dayatatime posted 9/8/2013 08:56 AM

I got a huge apology from OW while she was fishing and badmouthing my entire family on Facebook. So an apology was more manipulation from her and no guarantee of remorse.

overandone posted 9/8/2013 09:17 AM

An apology from OW is only worth having if it's sincere, unlike the pile of gushy,trite crap I was sent.I had a letter from OW saying "I never meant for this to happen"-yeah right,carry on a LTA with my husband, asking endless favours from him and myself, pushing her way continually into our lives, holiday plans etc (her own friends were starting to avoid her as she was such a pain in the arse to be with and stupid me actually felt slightly sorry for her)but no,never meant for it to happen...And had the gall to say how pleased she was that myself and hubby were making a go of our marriage after I'd asked for a divorce and then agreed to try once more to make it work. He had stopped the affair 5 months prior to my asking for the divorce,(I didn't have a clue about his affair then,just couldn't carry on living with him)-but she still kept on at him,even subtly in front of her BH to ask him to continue.No, never meant for any of it to happen, and pleased we were back together.... Well she got a right royal rollicking by e-mail from me for that pathetic attempt to cover her arse,think she thought if she wrote it I wouldn't cause her any trouble-wrong!!And having spoken to her BH at length after d-day,she has not shown one iota of remorse or guilt about the effects on either myself or her BH,and according to my husband,never ever showed any during the affair.
So,a sincere apology I could have accepted, but an insincere one is just like another slap in the face, and I would rather not have had it at all.Rant over, but still makes my blood boil when I remember what she wrote

Peanut5 posted 9/8/2013 09:26 AM

Thank you all. It's true. I don't think any apology would ever suffice. It's really an explanation I want. Of which I will never get. Her whys. I know his.

Kelany posted 9/8/2013 10:10 AM

One thing that hit me a couple months explanation will ever make what they did "better" though for a long time I thought it would. Like if I understood why they did it, it would some how make sense.

No explanation will ever make sense or make it "better". That's when I slowly came to a place of acceptance.

LivinginLimbo posted 9/8/2013 10:24 AM

An apology would mean admitting they did something wrong. This is a concept that extremely few OW's can grasp regardless of their age.

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