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kroma posted 9/8/2013 08:00 AM

Yesterday was a bad roller coaster of emotions for me. My children had spent the night at my apt and my daughter had gymnastics practice early yesterday so my wife was coming to pick her up. I hadn't seen her since I moved out a week ago. Well needless to say that as soon as I saw her walking to the door my heart jumped out of my chest with happiness to see her. She was great and actually showed interest in looking around the apt. I don't think she noticed a picture I had of her but maybe next time. She came and went and I was off to football practice with my son. Later that morning by chance I had to pick her up to get my daughter and we spent about an hour together just being friendly. It felt right. It felt normal. No talk of us or the situation or the future. Just talking. It was great. For me anyway. After I dropped them off I went to the movies with my son and took him home. That's when it went down hill.
I pulled into the driveway of my old house and saw that her best friend and husband was there. I saw them hanging out by the pool. I immediately got upset. This was my house. This was my pool. All summer the 4 of us hung out there. Now I was out of the loop and felt like a stranger in my own house. On a side note I was also picking up a breakfast table for my apt so to make things worse I was loading my truck while they were hanging out. The husband (who is a good friend of mine) came over to help but it was awkward. I wasn't overly friendly and the fact that my wife didn't even acknowledge my presence really threw me. I left after getting the table very angry. Mostly angry with myself for putting me in this situation to begin with.
My buddy called me to say that my actions wasn't cool. My reaction was you have no idea what I'm going through so please cut me some slack. I sent my wife a text apologizing for the way I acted and she responded saying what I did wasn't cool either. I told her the same thing I told him. I was upset bc people weren't seeing my point of view. That I'm allowed to be upset. Her response was "then you shouldn't have brought her here to the house". That pissed me off. She didn't have to say that. And I told her that.
She did apologize but what bothered me was we had a good day. Up until that point. Where I let my emotions get the best of me.
For those that want to say it's your bed. You made it. Live with it. I guess you'd need to know the back story. The A was a year ago. We were R for 10 months until she couldn't handle what I did. I've done a 180 through IC and others but it doesn't matter. I'm frustrated bc I feel like I'm still being punished. Feel like I will always be punished.
It's just hard. I miss my wife terribly and I'm afraid she doesn't miss me.

gonogo1 posted 9/8/2013 08:09 AM

Well tell her that , allow here to be angry with you and accept it .Listen listen and listen and accept you screwed up , be humble , seek to understand her view , turn toward her not away .Don't give mixed messages . You did cause this .

devasted30 posted 9/8/2013 10:01 AM

Hi - sorry but you need to understand that you are completely 100% in the wrong here. Maybe you had problems in your marriage, but your wife didn't deserve you going behind her back and cheating and lying to her.
Unfortunately, this will go on for years just as you fear. I guess you need to decide if you love your BS enough to stick it out and if you don't then move on.
There is no time line here - she's right, you should have thought about the consequences before you cheated.
The jail sentence isn't for one year - two years, three years etc. You'll never ever get a "Free" out of jail pass.
You will always be on parole.
Can you live with that?

kroma posted 9/8/2013 10:32 AM

I have always owned my mistakes. I've taken responsibility for what I did. I own what I did. It's my fault no excuses. My wife has acknowledged how remorseful I am and the steps I've taken up to this point. I've been in IC since DDay. I fully expect to continue IC and continue working on myself.
I am in this for the long haul. I have committed myself since day 1 that I will work my ass off not only to save my marriage but to build a future for us. I am prepared to do what it takes no matter how long. I also know that my A is forever. It never goes away.
Yesterday I screwed up and went backwards. I know this. I'm angry with myself Believe me.
This morning I picked up my son to take him to his travel game. I saw my wife and had a nice talk. I tol her I was sorry for yesterday That I didn't handle it well. She was thankful and she also apologized. We hugged and now we're both sitting watching our son play.
This is a process and I am in it for the long haul. I refuse to give up and I am dealing everyday trying to do the right thing. I love Kate and will never give up.

tired girl posted 9/8/2013 10:47 AM

I'm frustrated bc I feel like I'm still being punished. Feel like I will always be punished

This right here is not owning it. Yes, she is going to remember what you did for the rest of her life. It isn't going to go away just because you have behaved for a few months. Did you expect it to ?

Understand the enormity of what you have done, then maybe you can begin to quit expecting her to do anything in regards to this R or your M. She gave you ten months of trying, some spouses don't even do that. It took my H 5 months to decide if he could even try with me.

We blew up our M's. Why should we expect anything from our BS's?

Yes, she was having a good time without you. Was that the thing that really bothered you? The idea that she could be ok without you?

kroma posted 9/8/2013 10:58 AM

I said I was frustrated. I do own what I did. I know I caused this and it all falls on me. I'm frustrated bc I miss Kate.
Am I upset that she was having fun? Yeah. I was. Not bc she doesn't deserve to have fun but that I should be there with her and our friends. If it wasn't for me and my choices. I know it's her choice now. I will always live with the consequences. I know this. I am learning everyday how to deal. As I know she is too.

devasted30 posted 9/8/2013 10:59 AM

That's more like it.
Keep a copy of the post you sent me and keep re-reading it everytime you get down.
If you two really love each other, I believe that you will make it through.
Never think you know what is going through someone else's mind. Your wife is suffering BIG TIME - I know, I'm there too. Let her have any moments in the sun that come her way. I bet half of what you saw was really happening and the other half was her putting on a good show for everyone else's benefit.
Good Luck

tired girl posted 9/8/2013 11:36 AM

but that I should be there with her and our friends


This kind of attitude is what your W saw. You still think that you have rights here and you don't. You blew that up.

I get that it is difficult, beyond difficult to see our BS's go on without us, and that triggered you yesterday. Look at that. Look at what is behind that.

Do I believe that just because you and your W love each other that you will make it through this? No. Sometimes the damage we have inflicted on another person is to great. You have to be willing to be honest with yourself at all times with this.

At some point you need to be ok with wanting her to be happy, not just be with you.

kroma posted 9/8/2013 11:45 AM

Like I said this is a process that I'm trying to figure out as I go. I have heard all the advice from IC friends family and you guys and its all the same. It's what I need to do. I know this.

tired girl posted 9/8/2013 11:51 AM

I understand that you have been told this. I was told things as well early on in the process.

It was when I started breaking down why I reacted certain ways in certain situations that I started getting down to the real behaviors and why I do things. This is why I said to look at why this triggered you so much and look at how you reacted. Get underneath there and see what is going on with you. Dig for the answers, this is where the work is done.

kroma posted 9/8/2013 11:52 AM

I know I lost my rights. That doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be upset especially with myself. I do need to do a better job of handling and I will.
I want my wife to be happy. I wish it would be with me. But if not I will have to learn to handle that.

uncertainone posted 9/8/2013 12:10 PM

You didn't lose your rights and you do have every right to be upset. It's your house too and "visiting" my house I helped buy and am paying for as well as being frozen out is more than just a tad upsetting.

You apologized for your actions. You understand why you're here.

Your friend is feeling betrayed as well so that's a relationship that will need to be repaired and restored.

You were caught off guard by this. Now you know what happens when you see this and can work with your thought processes to deal with this more gracefully in the future.

You have to grieve what you lost too. While it was your choices that created the situation it doesn't change the fact you lost parts of yourself, or at least who you thought you were. Grieving isn't wallowing or self pity.

You also have to keep the focus of your healing as a beacon. It's not to get back into your home. It's not to get your wife back. It's to be a healthy safe person for yourself and whoever is in your life...friends, spouse, kids, co-workers.

If you keep that focus and disregard the extraneous "noise" you'll find the transition far smoother. You're taking action and working toward something huge and let me tell you, it's so so worth it.

kroma posted 9/8/2013 12:38 PM

Thanks for that. Surprisingly I'm doing ok. I miss Kate unbelievably but I'm managing. I can imagine she's having a hard time too. But she needs this. My wife was unhappy and angry. And I hate that. I hate that I caused that. I truly believe we have a shot at full R but I have to have my shit squared away. I am taking care of me while I wait for her. I will stay positive and work through this process no matter how long it takes.

1DumbHusband posted 9/8/2013 22:55 PM


I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find R in your future. I fear I may be heading down the same path as you currently find yourself. The thought of it is scaring the crap outta me beyond comprehension but if it's what my BS needs to heal and move forward, I've committed to doing whatever she needs whether that's S/D or whatever I can do. I read your posts as a foreshadowing of my eventual path. Hopefully to learn how to cope as my story takes a similar turn. Best wishes!

scream posted 9/9/2013 16:24 PM

As a WS I understand your emotions. I know its hard to seperate the anger for your actions and what they have caused with feeling like your BS maybe not showing you what you think you should see. She may just not be ready. Maybe someday you'll be at a place you both can start a new foundation for your future. Being angry is ok. Being upset is ok. They are normal feelings. And if you don't accept them then you may put yourself in further harm. Don't deny any feelings. Just be willing to express them in a constructive manner and always be willing to listen to hers as well. All the best.

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