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Newest Member: chinaandback (61844)

User Topic: bff doesnt get it cont.
♀ 17090
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.I haven't posted in ages but I had to thread jerk this. I am 6 years out from dday #1 and 3 years out from dday #2. R is going as well as it possibly could.

Time and time again, I find myself mourning the loss of my BFF as well as a couple of other friends. The first dday, I told friends freely what was going on. The second time, I drew inward, and processed my pain here and in therapy. My BFF was livid I was not talking about my life with her, though I made a huge effort to stay in touch, ask about her life and show genuine interest. I made a point of talking to her about work, kids, clothes, hobbies, etc. to stay engaged. It broke my heart when she dumped my ass but I had to stay true to myself. I felt that if I told her I would have to support her afterwards, endure her judgment, listen to her tell me to dump my H. I didn't have the energy and I didn't want to feel judged. Plus, she lives far away and it's hard to process this on the phone or via email.
Something similar happened with my neighbor, who kept wanting to get together while we were doing an in house separation. I didn't know how to explain there was no way in hell we were going to do anything social as a couple for a good long time. I tried to compensate by finding other things to do, but they dumped our asses too.
Finally, there was one local friend I felt safe sharing both ddays with but it turned out it was too much for her. She stopped calling me after 18 yewrs of friendship. I think she thinks my husband is a scary freak, that she is afraid or in denial that an A could happen to her. Who know the real story?
It's hard enough that my heart was broken by WH As and trickle truth, gaslighting, etc. I never expected to lose good friends over WHs shit.
I know it's probably all meant to o be, that true friends would understand, that the door is open for truer friends noe, but I never expected to be 52 with so much insecurity about my M and friends. I will never blindly trust either again. But I won't wreck my life by being bitter either. I think I was too naive and trusting with EVERYONE.

[This message edited by dayatatime at 8:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]

BS 56
WH 59
son 17
EA 2007, S.A. recovery since 2011

Posts: 855 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry your friends are not being supportive. Infidelity is not contagious. True friends wouldn't disappear. Please know we are here for you. Lean on us.

Posts: 50938 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dayatatime)))) That's a lot of loss, through no fault of your own. Honor what you are feeling and allow yourself to hurt for it. I'm so sorry they were not the type of friends you deserve to have.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40250 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 40169
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at it this way if you can support them in everything they do and they can't be supportive in you trying to save your marriage they aren't your real friends my friend doesn't like the fact that mine does what he does but she is still there for me but I'm there for her as well when she needs support hang in there she might need time to process the whole thing

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 4

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