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Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

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Merlin posted 9/8/2013 10:19 AM

WW and I split 5 years back. Ugly, long, disastrous, expensive divorce. Several issues still being dragged into court.

My business is all but collapsed as trying to be a full-time Dad, housekeeper, family financial manager and consultant is overwhelming.

I am in IC and taking an AD (Celexa).
But I am still a mess. I remain in the 'plain of lethal flatness' and cannot shake myself out of it. Is this just wallowing in self-pity?

Has anyone else stayed this dysfunctional for this long? What do you do to get your life going again?

Pippy posted 9/8/2013 11:06 AM

Merlin after a long M I feel it takes longer to heal and having kids that you have to share with her, keeps the wound open. It took me 8 years to finally accept that he wasn't coming back and it was really over. M 30 years.

But FINALLY I did come to the surface. I now look at it as having 30 happy years, because I was happy. The bad years after D-Day were because of my reaction and depression over it. He moved away and I never saw him again. So he wasn't contributing to my unhappiness.

Maybe when you retire, you can physically move to a new area where you won't have to deal with her. Meet new friends and maybe even a new love. Are you getting out and having a social life? That is key to healing.

Just know that the way you are feeling now will not last forever. When you least expect it, you will wake up one day and feel that she just doesn't matter any more. Then the whole thing will be in the past and you will be ready to move on.

nowiknow23 posted 9/8/2013 11:21 AM

((((Merlin)))) It's more than a divorce you're dealing with - your whole life has been shaken to the roots. It's not wallowing, and it certainly doesn't sound like self-pity. It sounds like someone dealing with their life turning upside down and then some. The continuing court issues are likely keeping you stuck to an extent as well.

Do you feel like you are making progress with your IC? Are you challenged, or reworking the same things over and over again? Have you set therapy goals with IC? Are you meeting any of them? If you aren't progressing, it may be time to shop for a new IC.

I highly recommend reading and posting in New Beginnings. Although there is a fair amount of dating talk, New Beginnings is FAR more than that. It's about rebuilding yourself and your life after the D. Taking inventory, determining where your focus and energy should be, and taking positive steps to move yourself forward.

You can do this. There's sunshine out there, Merlin. Let us help you find it.

Merlin posted 9/8/2013 13:08 PM

Pippi and NIK,

Thanks for your insights. Lord knows I don't want her back. She turned into someone I do not want to know and would never choose to meet now.

I do wish that she was gone from my life. But I live (and got divorced) in a pernanent alimony state so she will be attached to me (more like my bank accounts) forever.

And, after my kids are more on their way (our daughter is a high school sophomore), I will leave here to start over, probably alone so it will be a new start.... At 65 or so.

Socially, I do get out some. But many of my friendships and business acquaintances began to fade as the divorce unfolded and the realities of being a single parent, solo consultant, housekeeper and continuing court events took their toll.

Progress with the IC? We are still coping with depression and working just to keep me from falling further in. But there are little goals I pursue and strategies I use that do help me cope. Progress though is elusive.

It's good to hear that this does end. I am a man with doubts now and getting through this would be among my lifes's greater blessings.

Thanks for reading and more importantly, writing back. Please continue. It helps.

heartache101 posted 9/8/2013 13:23 PM

I raise my hands me! I was blah for 5 years. It is like being stuck in a tunnel with no hope to get out. Then if I saw the light I dont think I would of left the tunnel. Isnt that sad!

I knew his issues were not about me. I wasnt mourning that. I was mourning all of it. The loss of my love for him the loss of my dreams of that fairy tale marriage the fairytale family. I strived for perfection. I to own my own business. It to has stalled out. I lost my drive.
It has been 5 years and I am learning a new profession. Will keep 1st business till I get 2nd business going.
Could not take all the negative people in 1st biz.
I look fine on the outside but boy what a mess I had made of finances.
I started digging out about 4 years ago. But the final diggout comes to selling biz 1!!! I see the light just gotta get a driving!!!
I believe my digging out comes from a great counselor and Paxil.
I believe you have to fake it till you make it!
Smile when you dont feel like.
If I am gaving a bad day I like to go too the grocery store. I make myself smile at each person and say hello.
If it is possible I will say What a beautiful day it is today! It helps me and it makes others smile too!
Find the one thing you enjoy and treat yourself!

nowiknow23 posted 9/8/2013 13:26 PM

Socially, I do get out some. But many of my friendships and business acquaintances began to fade as the divorce unfolded and the realities of being a single parent, solo consultant, housekeeper and continuing court events took their toll.
You know, I think these are some of the biggest losses in a divorce. Our social net changes for many reasons, but it can be really difficult to nurture those relationships and navigate the changes to them.

I see you've posted before in the betrayed men thread in the I Can Relate forum, although not for quite a while. You may want to consider touching base with the menz again. Good guys there with great advice and perspective. And some well-needed laughs to boot.

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