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Newest Member: hurtsoul2015 (47352)

User Topic: Some indignation with my Sunday brunch
stillstrong
♀ 36144
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning: language.
Thursday my car was in the shop so I texted x asking if he can pick up DS from school, he says yes. During their ride home, the mechanic calls and my car is ready. I call and ask since he's coming to my condo, can he drive me to the shop (3 miles). He goes into a way too detailed bs story about work.
X keeps talking about me being his best friend, blah blah blah. His mom told him to find a place to stay so he recently moved in with one of his girlfriends. "Our" stuff is at his mom's house and I want to go through it before he gets rid of it. His gf won't let him see me so he keeps asking what I need and he will dig it out for me. Last night in email (which is monitored by his gf) I finally told him I don't remember what's in the boxes so I need to go through them.
For those of you who remember the crazy girlfriend story a few weeks back...he broke up with her and this is one of the women he was seeing while seeing crazy.
Then he calls me from work (so the call doesn't show up on his phone) and tries to apologize, explain, ask how the kids are doing…) During the course of the conversation it comes out that yes, he was bs-ing me the other day about not being able to give me a ride. I try to tell him what a shitty thing it is to leave me hanging like that and he changes the subject.
About an hour later I called him back. I told him that after thousands of emails and texts he sent, hundreds of hours in phone and video sex, $30,000 spent on Trash (my nickname for his 1st affair), and affairs with 11 women that I know of, leaving me stranded at my condo when he was right there, because he's trying to be faithful to his new gf is not only bullshit, but totally fucked up. I don't want to even know someone who could deliberately refuse to help when he could. And I don't want to have anything to do with someone who would do something that shitty to me. I told him giving your ex wife a ride to pick up the only car she has to drive your child around is not cheating, but calling me from your work phone every Saturday night to talk to me is, so don't call me from work anymore. You don't think calling me is cheating because you get what you want, but giving me a ride is cheating because you don't get anything out of it. That's you getting what you want out of our friendship and not giving anything back.
Total silence. After maybe a minute I ask if he's there. He says, "It's ok, I'm here" but still total silence. So I say, if you have nothing to say, I'm going to hang up. He says ok, I say take care and hang up.
Note that we moved cross country for his job, I'm a SAHM, and he is my only family here. I don't go out because well, I was always home with the kids while he was out whoring around, still am because even though we are 50/50 on paper, I have 100% custody so I have acquaintances but no real friends I can call on.
He's a narcissist, fwiw.
first of all can you believe it?
second, any idea why he just sat in silence? was he stunned that I stood up for myself? Was he thinking about what I said? Was he (maybe, just maybe) feeling some shame and embarrassment? I don't see my IC for 10 days yet so I'm asking you guys.
But I find it odd that I put up with all the crap I listed above, but the thing that sends me over the edge is him not helping me out of a bind because he's "being faithful" to shiny new gf. And he's not being faithful to her. He told me he still sees other women!


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
gahurts
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any idea why he just sat in silence?

I think it's because you told the truth and he was ashamed. You hit too close to home.

It's disgusting that he left you stranded like that. You share custody of a child. GF is just going to have to learn to live with that. Tough crap for her.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3686 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently as I can, honey.

he is my only family here.
He is not your family. Your kids are. He is not.
I told him giving your ex wife a ride to pick up the only car she has to drive your child around is not cheating, but calling me from your work phone every Saturday night to talk to me is, so don't call me from work anymore.
Although I agree with you, gently, we don't get to define what cheating is or isn't in his current "relationship." That's up to him and whatsherface. And if she isn't comfortable with him doing you favors, it's up to him to decide whether that's an acceptable limit or not. YOU have no say in their relationship parameters.
first of all can you believe it?
Absolutely can believe it, although I understand where your indignation is coming from.
second, any idea why he just sat in silence?
No clue. He could have been deep thinking. He could have been considering what you said. He could have been filled with unexpressed guilt and remorse.
OR... he could have been texting on his cell phone, chasing a roach across the floor, picking wax out of his ear, or filing out his fantasy football picks online.

Honey - what he may have been thinking? Just doesn't matter. Truly. It doesn't. You will make yourself unnecessarily crazy if you try to figure that out and/or spend any of your time and energy focused on him, his complicated social life, or the inner workings of his brain.

Time to start building your own net, without him in it. You know you can't depend on him. I mean, there's a reason why he's an X, right?

Are there any connections you can build with other moms? Do you belong to a church? Are there any community groups with ride share, childcare sharing, or respite support available?


You can call me NIK

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön


Posts: 29015 | Registered: Aug 2011
stillstrong
♀ 36144
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dammit NIK, I hate it when you make perfect sense!

And if she isn't comfortable with him doing you favors, it's up to him to decide whether that's an acceptable limit or not. YOU have no say in their relationship parameters.

But, but...he told me he still dates other women. I'm pretty sure new gf doesn't want him to do that either. He's bullshitting me by telling me he's trying to be faithful. He's not. He just finds it easy to shit all over me when there's no possibility that I will feed his addiction.
Yes, I really need to cultivate some real friendships.

And thanks GaHurts. I have a feeling my kids are going to be hurt by these new gfs who don't want him seeing me at back to school nights, etc. I mentioned parents weekend a while ago, but it turned out that my DD asked me not to tell Dad about it because "if he even cared enough to come, he'd just ruin it".


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((stillstrong)))))))
But, but...he told me he still dates other women. I'm pretty sure new gf doesn't want him to do that either. He's bullshitting me by telling me he's trying to be faithful. He's not. He just finds it easy to shit all over me when there's no possibility that I will feed his addiction.
I know. Really - I do know. So don't let him bullshit you. Which, in my book, means don't ask him for anything, don't count on him for anything, and expect nothing.

It is SOOO liberating to expect nothing. Seriously - you have no idea the freedom and power that brings into your life.


You can call me NIK

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön


Posts: 29015 | Registered: Aug 2011
Housefulloflove
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's a narcissist, fwiw.

..any idea why he just sat in silence?

I believe the answer to this question is in the first statement. He didn't have a good answer that would spin things around and make it someone else's fault and until he comes up with one he has nothing to say. Or maybe his anger silenced him because how dare you (the inferior one) point out his wrong-doing again. Either way a silent narc isn't letting the words process or taking anything to heart.

Was he thinking about what I said? Was he (maybe, just maybe) feeling some shame and embarrassment?

If he is a narcissist...NO. Maybe he was briefly feeling shame and embarrassment about being called out and not being quick enough to deflect blame in that moment but that only lasts as long as it takes him to come up with any justification that takes the blame off of him.

I agree with nowiknow. There is no reason to expect him to act like a normal and decent human-being when he is not. A narc is looking out for no one. "Good", "bad", "right", "wrong", "morals", "love", "concern"..etc.. are meaningless words to a narc. They have one focus in mind and that is to get what THEY want and they will twist and warp their version of reality to excuse whatever horrible actions they have done/ are doing.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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