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Tempted to Contact OM

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IAteTheApple posted 9/8/2013 11:36 AM

I'm on another forum (just a general social forum) and today someone posted a thread that majorly triggered my biggest fear about staying with BH. He has an addiction (well, several, but most link back to one in particular) that has almost been a dealbreaker. He has been clean since before D-Day, but I have this fear that we will go through everything and R and have a baby and then one day he'll backslide. Last night we were out and he disappeared for a little while and I was so panicky about what he was doing.

If I mention my fears to BH he immediately reverts to "we need to split up, I can't ruin your life, I am the one that drove you to have an A" and then I have to ignore my own feelings to reassure him. (And I have told him and will continue to tell him that nothing he's ever done will excuse my A and that it is all on me.) My BFF is a BW and can't handle supporting me right now. I'm fearful of laying it all out here.

So, I want to contact OM. I was seconds away earlier, but decided to write here. The urge is more manageable now. Maybe this will be the first time I'm successful at stopping myself?

grains posted 9/8/2013 12:08 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is important to always be able to talk to someone about our burdens and feel safe and free. This is what SI provides in a way. The experience of talking and interacting directly with another in that way is more compelling. We have to choose who we go to. Will they help us see clearly? I think you chose well in maintaining NC with the OM. It will be a daily struggle. Please consider joining a 12 step program where you can find a sponsor that you can call when you feel that you will act on an unhealthy urge . I recommend CODA - CoDependents Anonymous. Good luck in your struggle.

IAteTheApple posted 9/8/2013 12:22 PM

I'm having a surge of... something. Anger? BH's addiction will be a forever process. But then, my affair is a forever stain on my marriage. It all feels so heavy right now.

[This message edited by IAteTheApple at 7:17 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 9/8/2013 14:38 PM

I do remember that feeling. It's all such a big hairy tangle it seems like it can never get sorted out. But it can.

At this point, you're in withdrawal from the "good" feelings. You associate them with the AP. Your brain is wired up to try to get them back. Your BS is probably not a source of good feelings for you right now, in fact it's probably the opposite. So you have an urge to break NC.

Two things can happen here. You can give in to the urge and reinforce the association of the AP and the "good" feelings, or you can not give in and incrementally break the association. One neuron at a time. Many repetitions.

I felt a lot like you in the early days. I was ambivalent. I thought AP was a good guy and my focus was whether or not I wanted to try to make it work with BS. My first try at NC was telling the AP that I would not be in contact with him at all for at least six months, and that if I decided to try to make it work with BS it would become permanent NC. It felt like a dramatic parting of star-crossed lovers. (Notice my focus was not at all on what BS might want or need. I had no clue at that point what I had actually done to him.)

The next day I discovered SI. Reality check began. Much research and IC followed and it still took me 9 months to send an official NC "this is done forever" letter.

Today I can still remember the "good" feelings I had during the affair but I see the AP clearly for what he was. Not a good person. Not someone who loved me or even really cared about me as a person. He was just another person with bad reality testing, like I was. Someone who was willing to hurt someone else to get his needs own needs met. Someone who treats people not as people, but as sources of feelings. Getting to that conclusion took a lot of brain rewiring. One neuron at a time. Not possible to even begin without solid NC. I think the longer you're NC, the clearer that'll become.

You can do it!

JustDesserts posted 9/8/2013 18:58 PM

Nice post, evolving.

And iatetheapple:

Is it possible what you call fear of the future sobriety of your BH...

...is really just your "unhealthy affair addicted self" seeking a "valid" reason to break NC?

Projecting into the future is a defense mechanism I've used...to help me not focus on making good choices in the NOW.

Your BH needs to make changes. And right now, so do you. The only one who can make your changes is you. Is breaking NC a good, healthy choice? A good change? Deep down you know the answer.

Clarrissa posted 9/8/2013 19:39 PM

I think there's one very good reason to keep NC - you're better than that. You don't need your AP any more than any of us "needed" ours.

I know it's hard finding someone IRL to turn to for support - I myself have no one - but at least you have SI where you know you're understood. Granted, it's not immediate, right *now* support but it helps just knowing there are others out there who understand. And sometimes it helps just to write it out.

It sounds like you've owned your choices which is an important first step. Another thing is, if your H does "backslide" into his addiction, that's on him. You have no control over it. Zero. Sometimes accepting you have no control is a difficult thing to do but it's so true that the only thing you can truly control is yourself. You make your choice and let go of the outcome. You need to do this and so does your H.

SandAway posted 9/9/2013 07:20 AM

He has been clean since before D-Day, but I have this fear that we will go through everything and R and have a baby and then one day he'll backslide.

Don't you think that your BH feels the same about you? Have YOU been 'clean' since DDay??? I think I saw a post where you contacted him a few days ago.

I commend you for posting here instead of contacting your AP, but you do still have him on the back burner.

You need to take a real hard look in the mirror and see if it is yourself you don't trust. Your heart isn't into R yet, and until it is, talking about the future & babies really gives you an excuse to blame your BH if things don't work out.

2married2quit posted 9/9/2013 10:09 AM

I hope I'm allowed to respond here being that I am a BS. I don't understand how you feel, but all I can say is that my FWW went through the same thing. So tempted to break the NC. Sometimes she wanted to call him cause she missed him, other times she wanted to call to apologize, and other times it was just to get the high back. After the last NC was broken she persevered and is glad she did. Now she sees me in a new light.

IAteTheApple posted 9/9/2013 10:11 AM

Is it possible what you call fear of the future sobriety of your BH...

...is really just your "unhealthy affair addicted self" seeking a "valid" reason to break NC?

No. I have spent countless days fearing my BH's death by overdose. Or trying to forget the things he's said to me in a rage. Or praying that he doesn't ruin his life and career for a high. I don't want to assume anything, but my guess is you've never lived with an addict or you wouldn't minimize it that way.

IAteTheApple posted 9/9/2013 10:31 AM

I'm doing better.I'm anxious for the time when this isn't an every day struggle.

JustDesserts posted 9/9/2013 11:24 AM

I wrote:

Is it possible what you call fear of the future sobriety of your BH...

...is really just your "unhealthy affair addicted self" seeking a "valid" reason to break NC?

You wrote:

No. I have spent countless days fearing my BH's death by overdose. Or trying to forget the things he's said to me in a rage. Or praying that he doesn't ruin his life and career for a high. I don't want to assume anything, but my guess is you've never lived with an addict or you wouldn't minimize it that way.

IAteTheApple:

I wasn't minimizing anything. And I have "walked a thousand miles" in your BH's shoes. I am an alcoholic/addict with nearly 19 years in recovery.

I understand your fears. And asked my question of you due to your acute temptations to break NC.

JD

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 13:27 PM

BS here...

I know stress and anxiety can cause us all to react in various ways, however, I am curious as to what you were seeking or hoping would occur by contacting the OM?

Is it like a security blanket?

How long has it been since NC?

I am not sure if you and your H are in IC or not but I would strongly suggest it.

Yes, you both have issues (we all do) but you can't work on rebuilding if you are constantly walking on eggshells around each other.

He needs to be honest with you and you need to feel safe in being honest with him. You both need healing.

Regardless of the OM, you need to decide if you want to stay married to your husband. If so, you need to do the work to make that happen (as does your husband).

Good luck. Prayers for clarity and healing for you.

IAteTheApple posted 9/9/2013 16:23 PM

I understand your fears. And asked my question of you due to your acute temptations to break NC.

Sorry I reacted so poorly. I think what triggered me was that it seemed to me your phrasing implied the fear of my BH's future sobriety doesn't exist. I think it was just a misunderstanding.

Broken1Again posted 9/9/2013 18:13 PM

I can see what Justdesserts meant by the line of questioning. It is the same line of questioning that your spouse must ask himself when he's seeking his next high. I'm a BS here but as a BS not in your situation it can be easier to see. It seems both you and your BS are addicts. Your drug of choice just happens to be an AP. what would contacting your AP accomplish other then giving you a "high"? I think you know in your mind it would not work with you and the AP. He is just a drug because the fantasy feels so good.

Hang in there and don't contact the OM. You can do it. Sort this relationship out first.

JustDesserts posted 9/9/2013 19:49 PM

@IAte:

No need to apologize. I hope you find the strength you need to stay NC, and the help you need to "withdraw" from xAP. It is not easy. You're in the right place, and a safe place...here on SI.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 7:50 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 9/9/2013 23:24 PM

Apple - What does your H need to do to break free of his addiction?

silverhopes posted 9/10/2013 00:46 AM

Good for you for recognizing your urge, maintaining NC anyway, and coming here for support.

What kinds of tools can you use that are healthy when you are dealing with fears about your H's addiction?

JKL Vikings posted 9/10/2013 12:27 PM

Glad you resisted the urge. Contacting OM again would be, in your H's eyes, equal to f--ing him again. Stay strong.Avoid OM like the plague.
You got this

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