"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ExpatSouth posted 9/8/2013 12:30 PM

I found out a week ago that my wife of nearly two decades had been unfaithful for how long, I don't know.

The most hurtful thing about this is that she went about her life in deceit, making a very good actress in tenderness, holding me close. On the day I confronted her, three hours after we woke, and cuddled in the dark hours, she told me she was moving out.

This guy(older fellow) was supposed to be a "good friend". But the dominoes kept falling over the past few weeks as she spent more and more time with him while I was at work.

When I confronted her about it, she tried to shift the blame to me, that I hadn't been jealous enough. I am not a normally jealous person, putting my trust in someone I love, in the faith that they will remain faithful.

Is this typical passive aggressive behavior from the cheating spouse? Trying to shift the blame in their transgressions.

She's still seeing this guy, and I have proof, just waiting to see if she's going to lie again when we see each other soon.

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 12:34 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

jjct posted 9/8/2013 12:36 PM

ExpatSouth))) Welcome here, to the carnival ride you never bought a ticket for -

Check out the Healing Library at the left.

We're here for you man.

Her behaviors are very typical, no doubt about that.
Tell us more (keep posting) - it's a little slow on wknds.

You say; "...when we see each other soon."
Are you S? (Separated)

ExpatSouth posted 9/8/2013 12:40 PM

Yes, separated. Supposed to "talk" soon. But I don't know what that means since any chance at reconciliation begins with contrition, admission of guilt, and promise to end the illicit affair.

I have heard none of that.

Broken6 posted 9/8/2013 13:04 PM

Welcome, and I am sorry. In my own instance, yes - at first he did blame me for his entering into the A. I had abandoned him, I did not meet his needs as a wife, he gave me long list of reasons, which I wrote down so I wouldn't forget. Now I want to forget them. I realize that he also abandoned me, and our family. He certainly didn't meet my needs while he was pursuing the OW. He spent alot of time and energy into making his new relationship work, all the peril of ours. I found so much helpful reading material on this site, and after reading it, I became stronger. I went back to him, and was able to say that I took responsibility for what was going on in M before the A, but he got 100% of the blame for the A. This took him aback. He now owns up to it, and we are trying to R. He has owned up to alot of his failures as an honest and good human being. I used to describe him to people as good, honest as the day is long, and intelligent. I can't really use those adjectives anymore - I came up with new ones, not really fit for public. Stay strong, and don't let them transfer blame to you. You are a good person, not the cheater. I think they do it to assuage their guilt. Hugs.

jjct posted 9/8/2013 13:13 PM

I'm sorry she has no remorse.
You can't put it there, or "nice her" back.
Do not accept her attempts to blameshift.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER AFFAIR
It was her choice, and her choice only - it has nothing to do with you.

Read the 180 and implement:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

I will also bump some threads for you to read - look for the "target" icons.
Stay strong brother.

ExpatSouth posted 9/8/2013 13:33 PM

Thanks for the advice on The 180.

I probably broke several of these rules in the first hours and days after the affair was exposed. But after the initial shock, no more. I have been pulling back and avoiding contact with her.

It's funny. When she comes by the house for things, there is this unhappy look on her face, and I just lay on the calm voice and even tone. I think the guilt is eating her up.

She came by this week when I was home sick (from lack of sleep)...and proceeded to tell me every detail of her weekend, where she would be. I looked at her and didn't say a word. I think she knew I was saying, "What good is this word salad? I can't believe anything you are saying at this point."

I stayed busy this weekend, and last week, attending two events in town with really awesome people.

It's just the late nights that the darkness comes back, and the loneliness, pain, agony. Not much to do at that point but just "enjoy" the ride, and hope it's going to get better soon.

stronger08 posted 9/8/2013 19:18 PM

I'm sorry this has happened to you. But I'm glad you found us. Your in good company here. Its a safe place for advice, support, hugs and a kick in the ass when you need it. Bro, there are many of us guys here who have walked in your shoes. It sucks and there is not much you can do about the situation. Yet the only shining ray of light is that you are very much in control of your destiny. I'd suggest seeking help if needed. There is nothing wrong in seeing a pro if this starts to get you to some bad places. And in most cases it does just that. Its best to be proactive rather than reactive when dealing with a WS. Sitting there waiting for her to lob another grenade in your foxhole wont help things. In fact allowing a WS to call the shots is probably the worst thing you can do. While its very natural for a person in your position to just want to wallow in self pity its best to start thinking about what your going to do down the line. Fighting back the depression and sadness can be a unimaginable task. But if you start to takes baby steps in healing yourself now things get better much quicker. As for your WW, she has made her decision and you need to accept that. But that does not mean you have to lay down as she walks all over you.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and they feed off your misery. I have found its better to starve that that fucker to death. Expose the A for what it is. Don't allow her to see you hurting. Even if your dying inside don't give her the satisfaction. You must allow her to live with the consequences of her actions. And if that means to be shamed for being a cheat, so be it. Inform all that need to know. Let people know the truth before she goes out and tells a different story. And trust me at the least she will say that you grew apart and she was not happy for years blah, blah, blah. No mention of her whoring around will be mouthed from her. But if she goes the usual path she is going to make you the bad guy. She will lie and demonize you to no end. And don't think she is beyond making up some rather reputation destroying bullshit to tell the public. Its just it goes with a WS. As I mentioned prior be proactive. See an attorney and get a game plan together. Expose her and her OM for what they really are. Don't take any shit from her either. Be careful when around her. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. She will just emotionally destroy you if you do. Seek real life help as needed and most of all take care of your health.

Your just starting this wild ride. Its gonna get worse before it gets better. You have to realize that your fighting for your life and well being now. You must act accordingly. Infidelity and its subsequent course must be treated like war. Take no prisoners, show no quarter. Empower yourself by taking control back. When you feel there is not fight left dig down deep. Everyone of us has that last few ounces of reserve strength and energy for a final push. Use it wisely and you will come out of this OK. Welcome brother, please keep posting and reading.

jjct posted 9/8/2013 20:49 PM

What good is this word salad?

That's a good one!

Another one that's good, especially for deflecting blameshifting (& other salad ingredients) is:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Then just exit.

Don't beat yourself up for "breaking the rules" - most of us struggle at first.
The key is getting back up on the 180 horse. Ride that sucker to Healedville.

[This message edited by jjct at 8:50 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

happyman64 posted 9/8/2013 21:06 PM

ExpatSouth

Supposed to "talk" soon. But I don't know what that means since any chance at reconciliation begins with contrition, admission of guilt, and promise to end the illicit affair.
I have heard none of that.

Judge her by her actions not on her words. She is full of crap as you can plainly see.

Stronger is right. Expose the Affair to family and friends.

One other thing she will not expect. File for Divorce. Show her that you are strong, have no desire to be with a liar and cheater but most importantly show her that you are separating your life from her infidelity.

Shock her. If she becomes remorseful which I doubt you can always stop the Divorce.

A good friend of mine took all of his wifes clothes, stuffed them in black garbage bags and dumped them at OM's place where she was living.

He left a note "I took out the trash, she all yours now!"

Be strong, life will get better with her or without her.

HM

ExpatSouth posted 9/9/2013 01:33 AM

I am going to aim to take the high road with her, and show her respect where she shows me none right now. Well, I will attempt to until/if I have to play hard ball. Not going to let her run over me, but will attempt to use the 180's advice to show that I am moving on.

In my state, there is a "cooling off" period after the divorce is filed, wherein both parties have ample time to figure out if they want to go thru with it.

It's been a tough weekend, and I am fortunate to have this forum to vent. In a much better place this morning(1:30AM here) than I was yesterday. But I know the peaks and valleys are sure to lie ahead.

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 1:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

7yrsflushed posted 9/9/2013 08:33 AM

You already received some great advice.

One other thing she will not expect. File for Divorce. Show her that you are strong, have no desire to be with a liar and cheater but most importantly show her that you are separating your life from her infidelity.

^^^This though is a crucial piece of advice that you should really consider. Your Wayward wife is still knee deep in the Affair. Even if you don't file immediately you should meet with a lawyer, or several to see which one you like, to figure out your rights. If you have joint accounts, she is using those funds to supoprt her A, if you have children you need to figure out custody issues, what about the deed to your home if you own, 401k/pension, all things that you will need to discuss at some point down the line. Make a list of questions and take them to a L to discuss your rights.

You can always stop a Divorce but your best chance of coming out of this whole is right now in the beginning when you have her off guard. The longer you wait to file the more comfortable she will be with the staus quo and the bolder she will become. Pack her shit up and put it in a spare bedroom. File and take back control of your life. A side effect of filing may be that she wakes up but she still has shitload of work to do on herself before she is even remotely safe for you again. She hasn't even gone NC with the OM yet. Sending you strength my friend. This shit sucks but you will get through it. One last thing NOTHING YOU DID CAUSED HER TO HAVE AN A. That is 100% on her.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

ExpatSouth posted 9/9/2013 08:49 AM

If reconciliation isn't in teh picture, will probably try to mediate, and keep things from getting mean-spirited. If she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I should feel the same.

The initial sting and shock of this is wearing off, and reading the 180 helped greatly. I have followed the advice of the 180 and from friends who've been thru this...to stay busy, get out of the house, especially when the bad memories come back.

There are no child custody(thank goodness) to worry about, just checking accounts, credit cards(all are paid off monthly), 401k/IRAs, the mortgage, a car loans. Doing this as amicable as possible will prevent the scars from getting to awful.

But it remains to be seen. I will act in good faith as long as I have an understanding that we both are on the same page.

I remain sad, surprised, disappointed, but my mind is more clear than a week ago at this time.

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 9:03 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 09:08 AM

Dear Expat

Sorry you found your self here a place no one ever wanted to be.

Please know this is a safe and caring place with people from all walks of life who have dealt with infidelity.

It is a rough journey, a hard journey, a hurtful journey but you can and will come out the other side. You will. We are all here to help you along the way.

I would also suggest an IC for you. You will need help navigating the waters.

Emotions will most likely run high to low for a while (this is very normal) - you have been dealt a blow to your mind, body and soul.

Allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel.

By what little you describe it sounds as if your WW is hoping to get you to "beg" her to come back. She is seeking a response to HER choices and HER behavior.

As hard as it is, sounds as if you are doing great with the 180.

Is she still seeing the OM? Does she want to R? Or is she still hedging her bets at this point?

Keep focusing on you. You can't change her but you change take control of YOU and your life going forward.

Keep posting. Good luck. Prayers and hugs.

ExpatSouth posted 9/9/2013 09:24 AM

1Faith, she is still seeing OM as far as I can tell. Still not sure if she is interested in R.

Thanks for the kind words.

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 09:29 AM

It may be too early but some here have suggested having D papers drawn up to get her to make a decision. If you do decide to R you don't have to file but some suggest the reality of the papers drawn suddenly shine a whole new light on things.

If she choses the OM at least you can find closure vs. her treating you both like yo-yo's. (sorry, don't mean to be harsh)

Right now she is cakewalking. Wanting you and the OM. Close your bakery.

Do you want to R?

Stay strong. Hugs

jjct posted 9/9/2013 09:33 AM

Expat)))<<<those are manhugs, and I want you to know, I mean this in the kindest way,

She is lying, blameshifting, and currently involved with another partner -
is it not already mean-spirited?

Pray for sunshine, sure enough, but right now, it is raining. On you.
The 4 essential things you need for R:
- Remorse
- Transparency
- Honesty
- NC
It doesn't look like you're getting even one of them!
In reality, R isn't in the picture - it might be on the horizon,
as getting a L's advice, separating the finances fairly, and really and actively demonstrating you're moving on with your life
might
wake her up...

In the meantime, you're doing great with the 180, and you are healing.

ExpatSouth posted 9/9/2013 09:37 AM

In my heart of hearts, I believe in the marriage vows. So, yes, I would want R if it were possible.

But under these circumstances, I have some doubts about R. For one thing, contact with OM was requested, but this request was never addressed - and I pretty much know the request was denied.

A week ago, I was ready to draw up the papers, but we are only a week into this tilt-a-whirl. Don't need to make any permanent decisions yet. I do need to see an attorney just to know my state's options, waiting period, etc.

jjct: Yes, the behavior, blame-shifting is typical acting-out/passive aggressive. I just need to ignore it like you do when children act this way. Wait until she comes to her senses.

RyeBread posted 9/9/2013 09:43 AM

ExpatSouth

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I know this is a very tough time for you and you have gotten some very wise advice.

Sounds like you have embraced the 180 and that is good. Focus on yourself for now. You are priority number 1 at this point.

In regards to keeping things ammicable and keeping the drama to a minimum; you know your situation best. If you feel that is the best course of action then do it. Those of us who have or are going through the same thing want to see you protected. The advice to see a lawyer and heffty bagging her things are to protect you.

It sounds like your WW is still seeing the other man. She may or may not come around to being remorseful. Mine didn't. Just know that she will not have your best interests in mind. It's now that you need to protect yourself. It's hard to put your wife in the "enemy" catagory but she is definitely not a friend. She is selfish and only looking out for herself. Be wise to that and take the steps you need to look out for you.

Keep posting and asking questions. We are here for you.

RyeBread posted 9/9/2013 09:48 AM

I just need to ignore it like you do when children act this way.

^^^This is exactly what you are dealing with. Children don't think about consequences of how their behavior affects others. Be wise to this.

Wait until she comes to her senses.

This may not happen. Be prepared for that and stand up for yourself in every discussion or decision you have to make. She is not behaving or thinking rationally. She is in La-La land.

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 09:54 AM

Wait until she comes to her senses.

Put an X on the calendar because this may or may not happen.

I hope she does come to her senses and that she is remorseful and will work with you to build a marriage built on honesty, respect, truth and love.

Love is a decision not a feeling.

Good luck