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Myname posted 9/8/2013 16:09 PM

I feel like I'm at the top of a very long downward spiral out of control. It's typical for this time of year. It's the start of a lot of trigger dates and they go on every month from now through March. Work will be winding down soon so I won't have that as a distraction.

I haven't worked out in the last 2 weeks. I didn't go to church this morning either. I'm just very unmotivated for everything and anything.

I've been really depressed. I almost cut last night but I didn't because I fell asleep. Sleeping didn't make the urge go away and to be perfectly honest, I don't care about stopping anymore. It helps me get through.

I just feel like isolating but when I do SO takes it personally. I don't think I will be seeing her until Thanksgiving (we are a LDR). I just came back from seeing her last weekend and the 2 weekends she is around in October are trigger dates for me so I don't think I'm going to go see her then.

I feel like such a failure sometimes.

I don't know what I'm looking for here I guess just to say what's on my mind.

Williesmom posted 9/8/2013 16:33 PM

((Myname))

I'm sorry that you're heading into a hard time. I am also.

Keep busy, and make this time of year something that you want it to be.

Jen posted 9/8/2013 16:37 PM

It's ok myname. You knew you would have times you struggle. It is ok and it is normal.

You also know that these upcoming months are trigger times for you, specially when your job slows down and you excess idle time.

Plan for these times, ahead of time. Have a plan in place to go to. I still think you need another job when the lawn stuff slows down. AND I still really think you need a dog.

This thing with SO is still pretty new. It is LDR. And I think you said you both are BS's so an LDR is going to create some trust issues, especially depending on the circumstances of her relationship or marriage broke up. If it involved any type of travel or distance it may be why she is struggling.

We(SI) love you myname. We believe in you. We are here for you,no matter what. Keep it at your pace.

Amazonia posted 9/8/2013 16:41 PM

Out of curiousity, why wouldn't you see SO during the trigger weekends in Oct? Wouldn't it be easier with her there to distract you?

Myname posted 9/8/2013 18:19 PM

Yes BB, SO takes it personally when I isolate because of her past relationship. It's not that she doesn't trust me it's that in her head she jumps immediately to "he doesn't want to be with me anymore"

Out of curiosity, why wouldn't you see SO during the trigger weekends in Oct? Wouldn't it be easier with her there to distract you?

I deal with things by isolating. I can't isolate with her around not to mention I usually spend time with her parents and I want to be on my "A game" when I'm around them. Although at this point if I had an off weekend around her parents I would totally get a pass. They really like me.

gahurts posted 9/8/2013 18:57 PM

I deal with things by isolating.

Very gently, you also resort to cutting when things get you down. Neither is healthy for you. Maybe you should consider spending the trigger times with your SO and talk out your feelings with her. Let her know in advance what you will be going through and how you want to get through it with her at your side.

There are a lot of us pulling for you Myname. I know the me t few months are rough but try to hang in there. We are here for you if you need to vent or cry or just talk.

Myname posted 9/8/2013 19:20 PM

GA, the isolation leads to the cutting. It's always in that order. So the isolation is bad but what it ultimately leads to is worse.

I've thought of spending the weekend with her during that time but I think that my wanting to isolate would just lead to me hurting her feelings. The distance between us requires a plane flight and a hotel. So it's an expensive trip to be just sitting in a hotel room not wanting to talk or go out.

Jen posted 9/8/2013 19:39 PM

Yes BB, SO takes it personally when I isolate because of her past relationship. It's not that she doesn't trust me it's that in her head she jumps immediately to "he doesn't want to be with me anymore"

So you have somewhere to start. You guys no know the root. Now make a plan, a way to help you both out, and to feel comfortable with the distance.

Are you still seeing your therapist ?

How about the friend from the group you were going to, he seemed like a nice guy, and like he liked you ?

Only you know how to make a plan to help yourself and what may or may not work to help Lean on the people in your life to get their input, after all they know pretty well also. We are always here to bounce ideas off of and support you.

Maybe make a timeline. Show how far you have come. Mark it all down, then mark it with the trigger dates in the future. You can have a visual of how far you have come, what you have accomplished and what is to come, so you can plan.

Myname posted 9/8/2013 19:56 PM

Are you still seeing your therapist ?

Yes, I go tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it but I know I have to go.

How about the friend from the group you were going to, he seemed like a nice guy, and like he liked you ?

I haven't talked to him in a while. It's been probably 3 months. I haven't been going to the group since probably April. I was thinking of going this week though, since I skipped church. I just totally shut down when I go and both before and after I have major urges to self harm.

I know I need a plan, especially for the winter, but right now I just don't care. I don't want to stop hurting myself. I know that's why I need a plan in place, for times like this.

I really don't have anyone IRL to lean on or anyone that really knows me. I know I can lean on SO and she knows me but she's so far away. My friend from that group I don't talk to much and it's so hard for me to reach out. He doesn't know about the cutting issue either.

Amazonia posted 9/8/2013 20:16 PM

I want to say this gently, but I'm not sure there is really a gentle way to say it. It kind of sounds like you're choosing to indulge your triggers over spending time with your SO.

What are you doing to proactively deal with the triggers? You know that they are coming; that doesn't mean your plan of attack needs to be sitting in the dark all alone with a box cutter. (Sorry to be blunt.)

If my SO did this to me, I would be extremely hurt by it.

Jen posted 9/8/2013 20:28 PM

I get that it is not easy to do this LDR. But making a plan asking for help leaning on someone does not have to be in person. Specially with SO distance. We have all made connections ect here and few of us have met.

The guy from your group I have a feeling will not care that you have been MIA for 3 mo. But what if, he was the one reaching out to you, because he needed help. He saw something in you that he liked and trusted and he was reaching out for your help ???

Maybe he is a cutter to ??? Not all of your scars show, maybe none of his do. Maybe it is something else and he thought you could help him.

Any way I doubt he will care, and the group will not care. This kind of thing happens. People trigger, ect and stop coming then start again. Then it clicks for them for whatever reason whenever, and they start getting help and giving. You'll get there. Don't force it, but try not to just stay idle.

Start working out again, maybe that friend would like that ? Your garage area is a pretty neutral place to hang out. He's a guy you all pee standing up, so he does not really need to go inside.

Ama is right myname. Your best defense is an offense.

Myname posted 9/8/2013 20:35 PM

Yeah Ama. It basically comes down to I'm allowing my triggers and addiction to come before SO. I don't think there is any other way to put it.

To deal with triggers I try and exercise or distract myself by staying busy somehow, like cooking/eating. These things are only somewhat helpful in the winter.

Right now I'm going to IC every 2 weeks. I'm thinking of bumping it up to 3 times a month in the winter and going to that support group every week, even if I don't talk.

Jen posted 9/8/2013 21:41 PM

Right now I'm going to IC every 2 weeks. I'm thinking of bumping it up to 3 times a month in the winter and going to that support group every week, even if I don't talk.

gogirl posted 9/9/2013 09:28 AM

Hi Myname,

I too like the idea of bumping up the IC and going back to the support group.

You CAN do this!! I know you can. I want so much for you to be better and content with life!! Thinking of you.

kwash posted 9/9/2013 10:05 AM

Sounds like you should book a trip to see SO on the first trigger weekend in October and plan to cook a nice meal for her parents!

That would give you a distraction, make you be on your A game, prove you can be around SO instead of isolating AND give you a success to reflect on to get you through the second trigger weekend!

mixedintherut posted 9/9/2013 12:36 PM

Perhaps, if your still triggering badly enough to not want to be around your SO who you are in LTR with, you may not be ready to date?

Are you in IC?

nutmegkitty posted 9/9/2013 13:08 PM

I am thinking of you, MyName. You've gotten a lot of good advi ce here. I think increasing the IC during winter months is a good idea too.

You've got a lot of us here who care about you.

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