Run far far away and never look back! It's going to hurt but he has proven that he can not be trusted! And why do you want to settle for someone that you know has a drinking problem?!
Yes, your dreams that you had with him are shattered, but you can rebuild your dreams. Whether that is by yourself, or with someone else!
You deserve SO much more!
As the saying goes, actions speak louder then words!
It is one hell of a roller coaster, no matter what the situation.
This is my WH second affair, and I am still hoping he will give me a 3rd chance when I haven't even done anything wrong! All in the name of love.
Post here often, there are lots of people with lots of support!
He is choosing to believe the words of some friend about your cheating w/ your X over your vehement denials. Your WBF has serious trust issues. YOU cannot fix this. It is most likely a deeply ingrained issue for him and it will continue to bite you in the ass if you stay with him.
You cannot save someone that doesn't want to save himself. And if you try to do that, then YOU are the one that is going to pay the price.
He is an alcoholic. He is a man that is going along with a plan for you to become pregnant without being permanently committed to each other (you aren't even living together right now).....
Who cares if he *didn't go through with it?*???? He returned to her. Things got far enough along with her that he put on a condom. Isn't that enough?
It seems that you have a pretty big time investment in this guy....but what have you gotten in return? Doesn't sound as if you've gotten too much to me.....other than a whole shit-ton of brain damage that you don't deserve....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Please don't try to have a baby with someone that you know is an alcoholic, kids don't deserve an alcoholic parent, they deserve solid and sound parents. He needs help for his drinking if he is drinking to excess
I would make him pay for the DNA testing, and I would also make him pay for both of you to take lie detector tests, this would be done at his expense, that will help clear up things
He needs counselling, no matter how much you want to "save" him, you can't he has to want it, like they say actions speak louder than words
If your sister or best friend was in a situation like yours what would you advise them to do,
There seems to be a pattern here, and the pattern is that he's somehow a victim being manipulated by all these women who think he's just so wonderful that they'll go to any lengths to get him into their lair - and they all do this by lying about YOU.
Look, NOBODY made this guy get in the car and go to this woman's house AFTER you dropped him off at 5:00 am.
He chose to do it and instead of admitting that he was doing it for the cheap thrill, he's once AGAIN trying to act as though he was 'lured' by his desire to hear 'dirt' about you.
I think it's about time he stopped dropping this crap on your front porch - always blaming his crap behavior on his desire to "find out" what YOU'VE supposedly done wrong. Man, that's just getting so old, isn't it?
And the worst part is that you love him, so you believe this excuse over and over.
He's been doing what he's doing because he WANTS to. He's been getting you to keep forgiving him by acting as though it's his great love for YOU and wanting to know the truth that makes him drop his drawers and do what he does.
Aren't you tired of hearing the same, ridiculous excuse for his behavior? He's actually got you blaming this WOMAN for his crap behavior. Your post is peppered with negative remarks about how SHE caused this situation and how SHE planned it, and on and on.
You need to put the blame where it belongs, or you're just enabling his rotten behavior to happen over and over and over.
And it's going to continue happening over and over and over.
He needs rehab and that should be a REQUIREMENT of you staying with him.
And quite honestly, the very LAST thing you should be doing with a cheating alcoholic is getting pregnant. My God, that's the last thing you should do.
He needs to start being HONEST and quit blaming his crap behavior on everyone else BUT himself. That's such typical alcoholic behavior - everything that goes wrong in his life is everyone ELSE'S fault, never his own. That's how alcoholics think.
Who the hell cares whether there's sperm in the condom or not. That's the LEAST of your issues. The LEAST.
Do yourself a favor. If you do nothing else, do this one thing for yourself: STOP letting him blame his crap behavior on his desire to prove that you're a cheater. That crap excuse allows him to put you on the defensive, so instead of calling him on his crap, it instead puts the focus on you DEFENDING yourself.
Tell him to man the hell up and own his shit. Seriously.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:05 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
I don't know how old either of you are, but I can feel from your post and the actions of your BF that he doesn't appear to take you seriously-or these other women-that's a major red flag, in my opinion. If he doesn't take you seriously and is not committed to monogamy now, what will happen later on down the road when you have committments together?
One thing that was hard for me was to realize that I didn't want to be with a man who didn't respect me or take me seriously any more. He was also bringing some seriously unsafe aspects of life into our home and child's life, including possible disease with STD's and stranger danger.
What I also had to learn that helped me was to come to the realization that even though I had love and attraction for him, we didn't want the same things in life anymore-he wants a life without boundaries, without routine and a fly by night way of living and that doesn't work for me right now. With young children that's not really something I can accept and I don't want that for them-I want someone or something in life we can count on.
I'm very glad that you posted your story and glad that it shows you're thinking...that you realize he's crossed boundaries and now it seems like it may be time to figure out how high your threshold is or what your deal breakers are.
For me, too, and a few friends who are betrayed spouses, there came a point in time when it became intolerable to keep wondering when the next discovery and hurt would come. We discovered another thing, and that was that even though it's a very lonesome road sometimes, we can control our environment and stop the hurt and games that the WH's played.
Lastly, I will share that living with someone you have no trust for can be a torturous experience...to wonder what they are doing all day and if they are doing "it" again becomes a point of very high anxiety that is often difficult to break away from.
I wish you peace in your thought process and hope you will keep safe.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:15 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Im guessing he did.
I also don't think he thinks you ever cheated on him..he is using that as an excuse to fuck around..but blame you.
The condom will come back with his DNA. And then he will tell you it was pre-cum or some other stupid story.
You don't have to believe him. Why would you?
He is not an innocent lamb,led to slaughter. He knew what he was doing.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Also, you mentioned you were trying to get pregnant? Please, re-think that for now, why would you want an alcoholic for your child's father? If he can stay sober for the next few years, then consider it.
This guy has been trying to "dig up dirt on you for THREE YEARS."
How do you have a loving and committed relationship with someone like that?
And weather he actually slept with this woman or not. It really doesn't matter. The problem is his lack of boundaries. And you can't be constantly policing him.
And planning for a baby? With an alcoholic? This is a disaster in the making.
You're going to be sitting home with the baby while he's out drinking until 5:00 am.
What is it about this guy that has you so hooked? What about him makes you think he is "the one"? You really need to reevaluate your situation and be honest with yourself before you make any long term decisions
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
i know guys i know im a hot mess ..... damn him for doing this to me!!
Take it from me. He's not worth the pain or the heartache.