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Housefulloflove posted 9/8/2013 19:43 PM

I don't get it. Ok I do. But no matter how much I learn about NPD or how his F'd up FOO helped to create his F'd up disordered self..I still don't "get" it.

I found out he is STILL lying to his family about what is going on. VERY-STBX is still telling his family that *I* don't want to work things out even though he done "everything (he) could to make things better." My anger is why we are standing in front of a judge soon. He wants to save his family. He loves me and wishes things were different.

WTF EVER! I am sloooowly working my way to indifference and normally don't give a crap what nonsense he is telling himself but I still get angry when I'm told all the bullshit he is feeding people. He is even telling that nonsense to people he knows talks to me. He should know that they know he is full of shit but I guess his head is so far up his ass that he thinks he can successfully lie to them as well.

He has zero remorse. He has done ZERO..ZEEERRROOOO to "work things out". He has done NOTHING. I can't emphasize that enough. His idea of "doing something" is literally to block it out of his mind and pretend that it doesn't exist. *Poof* problem solved in his world!

Because I, like most humans, can't just snap my fingers and forget the abuse, pain, cheating, lies, TT, blameshifting etc.,*I* am the problem. He said I won't "get over it". FTG..and the disordered high-horse he rides in on! He has given me no reason whatsoever to think that maybe we can work it out.

Apparently a lobotomy is the ONLY way we could work it out.

2 weeks and counting!...

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 7:46 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

PurpleBirch posted 9/8/2013 19:56 PM

What a coincidence! It's my fault too!

1) If I hadn't gotten the keys to my new apartment so quickly, we could be working it out right now!

2) I also won't get over it, so it's definitely my fault that we haven't got a perfect life.

3) I shouldn't have taken him seriously when he said he regretted/hated everything about our life together. He didn't mean it!

4) it's my fault he's regressing back to childhood because I am taking all the art from the walls (framed posters of lighthouses). When he complained about the soon-to-be bare walls, I suggested he put up some of his posters, he said "And now my regression to childhood is complete". Okaaaaay. I guess they're from when he was a kid, but how was I supposed to know?

I too am counting down. One week til I move to the new place! Hopefully I'll get an apointment with the lawyer this week as well.

Hang in there.

kecampbe posted 9/8/2013 20:55 PM

All my fault too. He went as far to call me a b**** today. Yeah, I'm the B because...
I stuck around through not one but two affairs
I paid off the furniture that he wouldn't let me take when I moved
I let him keep my car
I moved out, letting him stay in the house
I left the lawntractor that I paid for
I'm paying for all of our daughter's daycare and expenses
The list could go on and on but the best one is I'm the B because I left him when I caught him coming out of a hotel room (when i was on my way to work) w the AP after he said it was over, he went as far to say they didnt sleep together.

I don't get it either!!!!!!

How has the divorce process gone for you?? I'm thinking I will start that soon. Any words of advise??? I'm treading in very unfamiliar waters.

Housefulloflove posted 9/8/2013 22:20 PM

How has the divorce process gone for you?

Smooth and quick so far. We live in a state that makes an agreed divorce super quick and easy. In my case, ex was terrified of having to go to trial and that has been very beneficial. He also wants to hurry up and divorce because I am the cause of all of his problems in life and as soon as we are divorced all of his self-created problems and giant piles of recently acquired debts will fly away on the back of a unicorn.

Apparently not at all typical for someone like him but Ex is a covert narc with a desperate need to be seen as a good guy. He won't do a thing that doesn't benefit him but I have been blessed that he thinks that everything has been to his benefit so far. His deep, deep denial about some things has been heaven sent. I'm sure if the process was longer (only 90 days here) or if all of this wasn't happening so soon after we physically separated, this wouldn't have gone nearly as smoothly.

stronger08 posted 9/9/2013 03:28 AM

Its par for the course. In their warped minds image means everything. So if lies must be told to make them feel better about themselves lies will be told. I could probably fill an entire book with the lies my XWW has told in all the years since our S and subsequent D. I've had very limited physical contact with my XWW. I don't really speak to her either. So I don't know where she came up with some of her stories. She had a falling out a few years ago with my XSIL. Naturally the falling out was over some of the whoppers my XWW tells. XSIL called her out on them and my XWW started a big fight insisting what she says is true. What she forgot is that XSIL and I were on civil terms. XSIL called me up one night and started to ask some questions. It was then that I found out some of the weird and odd lies she told. Along with some unflattering stories about me I might add. I answered her question as best I could just to set the record straight. It was then that my XSIL confirmed to me of other affairs I had suspicions of but could not confirm. But by then I was immune so it did not effect me too much.

What I did find strange was some of the unusual shit she was saying. Naturally she had told some lies about me personally that I did not like. But I kind of expected those. It was some other lies that made me realize just how sick she really is. Stuff that really had no relevance in our D. Like she had told people our D was finalized much sooner than it really was. Like a year sooner. She would lie about how great her career was going when in fact she was unemployed for years living off what she got from me and the government. Small nonsensical like that. The D one was odd as my XSIL said no one asked her about it. She just blurted out one day that her D was final and she was free. When in fact she was holding out for a better deal. My guess in all of it is that they want attention. And if they have nothing factual to say to bring that attention they make some shit up. I gave up trying to understand it long ago. Trying to figure out how a WS thinks is like solving Chinese math. I just don't get it and never will. Besides it makes my head hurt trying to understand them.

SBB posted 9/9/2013 05:49 AM

What a coincidence! It's my fault too!

This tickled my funny bone tonight.

Ditto. Nasty wife - why shouldn't he have his cake and eat it too? Lets not forget no cake for her either.

brokenandconfuse posted 9/9/2013 09:14 AM

It is my fault too.

*H has done everything to change himself and try harder than any man to reconcile, but I am not.

*H is changing everything about himself, but I won't give him a second chance.

*I am uncooperative and an evil B, because I won't let my kids go with him when he is drunk

* I am adding fuel to a fire because I won't talk to him and break the protection order

Slowly, it is starting to have less affect on me.

Titanium posted 9/9/2013 17:28 PM

Ahhhhh the lies of an NPD.....I have one of those to...
All my fault i finally asked him to leave after ZERO remorse

Having to sell our home before the bank took it and he only going to work when he felt like it faking severe headaches that have miraculously now disappered.

Calling me a c@nt numerous times and the start of physical abuse.

Me finding her phone number hidden in his work shed on too many ocassions but if i wasnt snooping i wouldnt have found them.

Me not "getting over it" because he was trying.

No birthday, christmas or mothers day gifts.

2 x broke NC

Hiding photos of OW

List goes on and ALL my fault.

I had had enough and knew 2 things for certain. I would never trust him again and can never forgive him for what he has done.

Now i get boohoo texts saying he has done nothing wrong and i kicked him out for no reason. Looked up OW 1 wk after and they now hanging out together. Flaunt it on FB for our son to see and our son wants nothing to do with him......my fault....yeah right.

We r treating HIM like shit so he says and tells me that he would still b at home if i didnt boot his arse. I ask so why did u look her up.....reply.....he is in love with her......DELUDED!

He cant b alone. Crying now he is broke but secretly got a $21000 payout for an injury. Gave me not a cent. Kept this secret but i found out. Gives us no money and he has done nothing wrong........

Still lying. Definitely an idiot and they cant see past their own lies.

Doesnt even attempt to contact his son regardless. All texts are all about HIM.....poor baby.....POS!!!!!!!!!

Whats so comical is that they truly believe their own shit and that they expect us to as well.

Who needs to watch a comedy dvd when we have them to entertain us?

Hang in there everyone and dont forget to breathe.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))

They r a real class act.

trebleclef posted 9/10/2013 01:07 AM

HFOL - Is your STBX by any chance a bigamist? Because I think we are/were married to the same man lol

Housefulloflove posted 9/10/2013 02:16 AM

treble- he wanted to be. I guess if you ask him (and could get anything close to the truth), my anger got in the way of his plan. Before DDay he started reading pro-polygamy books. Obviously I'm like "WTF!!" but he assured me over and over that it was just "interesting" and not a reflection of his beliefs. But at the same time he was encouraging me to read them to to "learn the truth about marriage" and our evil society corrupting it with expectations of monogamy. Dummy-me desperately clung to his words and ignored everything else. In reality he was looking for a good way to convince himself that he wasn't doing anything wrong because at that point he was already having a secret EA.

After he admitted to a PA with the "friend" we had been arguing about for 2 months, he thought I should have immediately accepted OW as his girlfriend/wife-thing because having sex with someone is the same as getting married and requires the man to take care of his new "wife" in addition to his first wife! At least that was what he believed in that week. That has probably changed now and he feels free to whore around without attachment...whatever gets him what he wants. He even thought it was acceptable to have sex with her before coming home from work!! He told me some of the "rules" he came up with. For instance, holidays and birthdays were " our family time" and OW knew that those days would be for us.

He also told me about his concern that I wouldn't be able to handle him dating her and he was worried that it would hurt me as they became closer. Such a good guy!

I suddenly had "sister wife" problems! 10 years of faithful marriage and suddenly my husband is coming up with solutions to handle his other woman and me! It was stupid ass statements and actions like that which helped to snap me out of the stupor I was in for about a week after he told me he cheated. It was like being in a nightmare. One day life was *normal* and the next day EVERYTHING was upside down and made no sense. I was *thiiiiss* close to a nervous breakdown because of him and he didn't give a shit and for that I don't think I can ever forgive that bastard (he hasn't sought my forgiveness anyway). I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping (for weeks at that point) and was basically a mute zombie but as he began to organize his life to include me AND her, the insanity finally woke my ass up and in the middle of the night he had to go! I couldn't take *one* more second of him. It also fueled my quest to find out what kind of mess I was dealing with because I knew "normal" human-beings didn't expect their wives to live like polygamist after 10 years of fidelity. I initially thought he was have a psychotic break. Apparently the nut I was dealing with after DDay was the real guy I spent the last decade with.

IC, books and SI are the only reasons I can function after finally getting to see what was under the good guy mask he wears. Monstrous doesn't begin to describe what I saw.

And now that I've written a novel, I'll stop here!

Ashland13 posted 9/10/2013 16:01 PM

Yes, yes, yes...all my fault, too, even when he was long gone and states away, hours away, miles away...you know, the consequences of divorce are now my fault as well?

There is theory that the history of M is changed in Perv's mind (so as not to generalize) because he has to get up every day and live with what he's done and still doing.

His actions have forever changed our lives and he cannot stand to be blamed for anything...not one little thing-unless it's good. Then no one else gets credit. This is so big in his personality that they noticed it at workplaces and called his projects "The Perv Show".

The lies have become part of his being. He told me "it got so easy!" to look me right in the face and lie his fool head off. Then he'd try it on another person and another so that now, it's just a way of life for him.

I would think it's a way of life for OW now, too?

Don't forget, family is not going away for them if they choose to keep their "original families", so it is unbearable to be the person in the wrong-so under the bus we go. No one is immune when Perv is saving face, including kids or people who have been his friend in the past-that's the shame, that no one matters in the end but the self.

Housefull, your post sounds like you wrote about Perv, but he chose people other than us and tossed us away, where 'yours' is saying he wants to fix things. Perv lies to family and friends about current things too, like words I did not say or demands I did not make. He twists things and wants me to look bad if he can fix it that way, even now.

Like you, I think, why do we need the lies anymore? he got away, lets just end the clean up in peace...but NPD isn't that way, is it?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 4:05 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 9/10/2013 18:15 PM

*waiving hand*

My fault too! Apparently because I dared to keep asking questions about the As and was unwilling to just "get over it" and "stop living in the past" that was a deal breaker for him. And, of course, me discovering his SECOND secret OC right after he made all those accusations has NOTHING to do with the D either...

I am sure POS is waiting for the D so his pile of debts will magically fly off on the same unicorn because his financial irresponsibility over the years wasn't his fault either...

Do you think they give a group discount for NPD lobotomies? Maybe we can all get our WSs discount certificates as a D gift!!