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How do I fall in love again

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brknwmn posted 9/8/2013 19:54 PM

Today was a really crappy day. Things had been going down hill all week. It just finally came to a head I guess. Background...I found out in April that he cheated on me during his bday weekend while on a work trip. (I was supposed to go but the baby got sick so we stayed home). I confronted him after I got tired of feeling like a crazy person for being suspicious in the first place. (This isn't the 1st time he's cheated). Anyways...He's been saying all the right things, he's taken all the passwords off of his phone, email, etc. But something made me snap today. It's like we're just room mates. In April I was also diagnosed with endometriosis and its gotten really bad to the point where my doctor said if I want another child I better get on it. Obviously he doesn't know my marital situation (correction he knows that I contracted an STD thanks to my husband's PA)but needless to say a baby isn't happening any time soon.

The point to all of this is that I do love my husband. If I didn't I wouldn't even entertain the idea of trying to work things out...BUT I am so angry about everything that has happened that I have fallen out of love with him. I told him this today and he shut down. This is his chance...I'm willing to start all over but he has to step it up. There's a saying "never stop dating your wife and never stop flirting with your husband". I need him to date me again.

I get that what I said is hurtful but seriously light a fire under your ass and let me know if I should even risk falling in love again?

Me: wife 26
Him: husband 29
2 kids (one is my bonus baby (his son) and we have one together
married 4 years
together 8 years

everyone my age is still dating...and i have this crap

[This message edited by brknwmn at 10:05 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 9/8/2013 20:10 PM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry for what brought you here. But you have found a great place to find the help you need.

Your H needs to make himself loveable and safe to be with.

You need to take care of yourself first and let him prove to you that he is loveable and safe.

There are some great posts in the Just Found Out forum:
Before you Say Reconcile
Boundaries and Consequences 101
Tactical Primer
A Great Post for Newbies
They might be a couple pages back but full of great info.

Another place to check out is the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box on the upper left side if the screen. There are articles and FAQ that are quite helpful.

Try to sleep right and eat right. Drink plenty of water and try to get some exercise. Take care of yourself.

Keep reading and posting here. Let us help you. You can survive this.

[This message edited by Chicho at 8:12 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

tired girl posted 9/8/2013 20:21 PM

This happened with my husband and I. I told him that after what had happened I no longer felt anything.

It was a lot for him to try to deal with and he kind of spiraled down. After a few weeks of it and seeing some old behaviors, I basically told him he needed to get fear out of the drivers seat and get his ass back in.

My H also realized that he was the problem in what happened, is your H there yet? Is he going to IC, does he get the fact that he is the problem here and not the M?

brknwmn posted 9/8/2013 20:34 PM

thanks chicho & tired girl yes he acknowledges what he did. he's taken full responsibility for it. he started SA but ran into a client there and apparently that was really awkward. (i can only imagine) but he has an SA sponsor that he can call and he does his daily stuff.

I know what I said hurt him bcuz who wouldn't that hurt. but I also think it caught him off guard.

both our parents have dealt with infidelity (like a family tradition) but in his family his mother never addressed it they just stayed unhappily his brother has done it to my sister in law (multiple times) and he has followed in his father and brother's footsteps.

For me I'm pretty much over even trying because I've forgiven in the past and I feel like it's gotten me no where.

The first time he cheated I got chlamydia (gross)and the 2nd & 3rd time I found out in April. The 2nd time was way back in 2009 (and I don't even call that a cheat bcuz I had given him my engagement ring back and told him to leave) but what hurt about that one was that it was someone we both called a friend and turned out he got her pregnant (she had an abortion & then had the nerve to come to our wedding and visit after we moved out of state...I told her to go jump off a bridge)but like I said everything came out in April...It's just overwhelming. I just re-read everything I typed and it sounds like a bad fiction novel.

I hate what he's done bcuz it's broken me to the point that I don't recognize myself anymore...I'm constantly picking at my appearance and comparing myself to the other women and I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind. I'm having to figure out how to love myself again before I can even think about loving him.

I'm happy to hear from anyone who may be/have been in his shoes since he's gone mute...

AFrayedKnot posted 9/8/2013 20:49 PM

There is a thread in I Can Relate that is dedicated to Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts.

My fWS is an addict. My main requirement to consider R is active 12 step work in 12 step fellowship. Trust has been so hard to rebuild. Watching her work and witnessing her growth has been the only thing to give me back hope and faith.

I believe there is a fellowship for family members of sex addicts called SANON. You might want to see if they have any meetings local to you.

There is nothing about you or that you did to cause this. There is nothing wrong with you. Please take it easy on yourself.

brknwmn posted 9/8/2013 20:58 PM

I'll do my best. But you can only break & super glue a vase so many times before the pieces get to small to fix.

brknwmn posted 9/8/2013 20:58 PM

But thank you I will check out that forum

tired girl posted 9/8/2013 20:59 PM


I'm constantly picking at my appearance and comparing myself to the other women and I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind. I'm having to figure out how to love myself again before I can even think about loving him.

I did this as well, and I think it is good that you recognize that you need to deal with you first. I felt the same way, I knew I had to deal with the hit to my self esteem, there was nothing he could do about it. Even though he provided the hit to it.

So I went about figuring that out. And you need to do that as well, every person's road is different. I felt before I could start to love him again, I had to learn to love me again. Your H needs to pick himself up, he needs to show you that he can do that.

1DumbHusband posted 9/8/2013 23:17 PM

I'm happy to hear from anyone who may be/have been in his shoes since he's gone mute...

Well I cannot speak for your BS but only offer my own experience as a WS to help you possibly connect with his issues.

1). You should not feel bad in the least for what you said. As part of moving forward after such traumatic events (as DDay), you both have to honest and upfront with your feelings and thoughts. You are doing the right thing by being honest with him. Now, is he being honest with you? I have been guilty of shutting down before in my M. During that time, I was in denial over my actions, I was also gas lighting by making my spouse feel it was her issue and I TT'd for a long time (6 years...essentially our whole Relationship).

2) if your H is to earn another chance, he must do whatever it takes. He's started on the right path by giving you full access. He also needs to learn to open up. Without the communication, you can't be sure this won't happen again. If he's truly remorseful, he'll start opening up.

3) he's got to prove he's willing to go out of his comfort zone to make you feel safe and to reassure you of his feelings. I have tried looking for new ways to show my BS I truly am remorseful. One way involved going on a roller coaster which I've never been a fan of. But it showed my BS I was willing to do anything.

Everyone's situation is different. In spite of all I've done, the damage I've cause my wonderful BS may just be too great for her to bear and I may never reach R. You have to determine what YOU need to feel safe or to feel desired. Hopefully your WS will be willing to do what it takes for you.

brknwmn posted 9/9/2013 10:28 AM

thank you 1dumbhusband. I'm hoping he'll step it up. I've told him what I need. Gave him my conditions. And I think it's pretty simple.

Treat my like you did when you first met me. When you would take me out on silly dates and flirt with me and I knew that no matter what beautiful girl walked by your eyes were locked on me.

Sounds simple enough. I just want him to show me he loves me and that I'm enough for him.

Lethealbegin posted 9/9/2013 18:24 PM

I am in the same boat! I wish I had the answer for you. My MC say's that he needs to figure out what type of man he wants to be. (((Hugs)))

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