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Really, really struggling

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InTheRabbitHole posted 9/8/2013 20:17 PM

I'm in a city that I came to with xh. It is 3000 miles away from my family. Although I've been out here any years I'm finding that I am very, very lonely.

I'm starting to get back into things that interest me. Getting back into shape, but I've to a big hole in my heart right now.

The loneliness is becoming unbearable. I've had several short term relationships, both from online and meeting in real life and they never seem to work.

I'm frustrated, scared and wonder what the whole goddamned point is anyway.

I'm not looking at hurting myself but often wish I could just not wake up.

I can't believe I'm putting this out here. I should be doing so much better and all I am is a big fraud.

So sick of crying.

kg201 posted 9/8/2013 20:20 PM

Is it possible for you to move closer to your family?


[This message edited by kg201 at 8:20 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

NaiveAgain posted 9/8/2013 20:56 PM

I'm so sorry for the loneliness you are dealing with right now. I usually have advice, but right now I am also feeling a bit depressed and full of tears so I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. This stuff is hard!

p.s. I feel like a fraud sometimes too. People think I've got it all together. Ha ha....joke's on them. Sometimes I feel all that is holding me together is a tiny little thread....

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is bound to get better!

InTheRabbitHole posted 9/8/2013 21:03 PM

Not possible to move right now. I'm stuck where I am as far as money goes.

I've never been this low. I need to talk to my therapist and doctor. All I can do is cry.

Big hugs right back at you (((NA))).

Eranda posted 9/8/2013 21:54 PM

Who says you should be doing better? Don't put pressure on yourself to do or be something you're not. Sometimes you just have to be where you are for a while.

As far as loneliness... relationships aren't the only way to cure that. Friendships work pretty well, too.

I don't know what the whole goddamned point is either, you're not alone.

persevere posted 9/8/2013 22:38 PM

p.s. I feel like a fraud sometimes too. People think I've got it all together. Ha ha....joke's on them. Sometimes I feel all that is holding me together is a tiny little thread...

I feel like this at times too - big ((Hugs)) to you NA and ITRH.

Just keep swimming my friends - I tell myself that often.

mandan66 posted 9/8/2013 23:26 PM

(((RH and others)))
I'm with you on this one---I definitely had a rough weekend. I was cleaning out old photos and photo albums yesterday, and it really hit me. Since I filed in May, not a tear has been shed on my part towards my stbxw; I had used them all up by then. My father, who is terminal now with cancer, and whom I am pretty close with, is really spiraling down. It happened really fast with him too, just in the last year. Anyway, saw some old pictures of him with me and the X and our oldest son, and wow---it just hit me. Life just really really sucks sometimes. You just can't take any damn thing for granted.
Except for Xanax, and friends on SI.

click4it posted 9/9/2013 00:25 AM


Glad you are going to talk to your therapist and doctor. That's a GREAT step in the depression department especially when you are feeling like you just don't "want to wake up".

Do you have any friends in your area at all?

Harriet posted 9/9/2013 02:19 AM

I was feeling exactly the same emotions...terrible lonliness, tired of it all, and wishing it would somehow all just end (even if it meant death). I realized I needed to be proactive about it. I started seeing a therapist again and forced myself to get outside the house. I reached out to friends even though I was afraid they would just think I should be "over it" by now. They didn't, and with time I find myself in a better place each day. I was able to tell myself that my feelings were okay to have even if they were painful, that I was too hard on myself when I felt down, and I would feel better in time. And it was true. So hang in there. I'm not in a perfect place, but the despair is gone, and the happiness is returning.

It also helps that I just learned that my ex has had a tough year (he never let it show) and he regrets the cheating and divorce. I don't know why that helps, but it does! My ultimate goal is to feel indifference. Even empathy, if I can move past all of the ways he hurt me.

damncutekitty posted 9/9/2013 08:19 AM

I should be doing so much better

I am convinced that the worst thing any of us can for for ourselves is attach the word "should" to our healing.

Mapleleaf4ever posted 9/9/2013 09:54 AM

I think that I am guilty of making that mistake. I have often thought that I "should" be much farther ahead in healing than what I am. Thanks for that.

stronger08 posted 9/9/2013 16:15 PM

DCK is sooo right. I hate the word "Should" when dealing with my life. There is no expiration date stamped on our ass as to when we will find love. Or any other life goal for that matter.

InTheRabbitHole posted 9/10/2013 09:51 AM

Much better today. However still feeling pretty shitty.

I'm trying to remember a quote I read when I fall in to that pit.

"There are far better things that lay ahead than those left behind".

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