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My little girl wants the OW over me

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courageous posted 9/8/2013 20:56 PM

I picked up the kids from visitation today and my 3 year old little girl went crying back into Ex's house calling the OW's name whole she said she wanted to stay with OW and to leave with me. On the hour drive home she spent half the trip whining about wanting to go back to OW and her daddy.

I know I should be grateful that the OW treats my kids well. The A started when my little girl was 5 months old. When we got divorced last October was when the ban against OW being around the kids was lifted. It hurts to hear my little girl want someone other than me....specially the woman who had planned on taking my place as their mother. She is ALWAYS buying them gifts. Exwh and OW are ignorant when it comes to children. There is not much structure over there. I am still having a problem with the kids adjusting from their 45 day visitation with their father this summer.

All of this just breaks my heart

kecampbe posted 9/8/2013 21:04 PM

This is my worse nightmare. My heart goes out to you. My little girl is also 3 and I can't even imagine. Stay strong, she knows who mommy is and the OW will NEVER be her mommy.

Iamhappytoday posted 9/8/2013 21:05 PM


And no one, no one could ever replace you.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:06 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 9/8/2013 21:33 PM

My counselor told me that my XWH needs as many people on his "side" to validate what he's doing. Your XWH and OW are using your D. "See she loves us and wants to be with us because we are awesome Disney land parents and we never live in the real world" and on and on... My XWH is always telling me the kids want to live with him.

DUH!!! THey want to live with him because I haven't told them everything and I haven't told them he is a POS and the OW is a slut who is cheating on their dad.

So, please understand this is how it's gonna be. You be strong, centered, and know it is a game of 2 adults using this child and being overboard nice with her because they are not parenting her.

DOn't ever let her go live with them or change to give them more visitation --- many people have written on SI about how that ends disastrously as the WS and OW turn the kids against them.

If it makes you feel better, when I used to babysit the kids were the same way because I was so fun. Now that they are 30 somethings, they say they loved the time spent with me, but they know their parents are their parents and of coarse they love them.

Just pretend the OW is a great babysitter -- because that's all she is.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:34 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

newlysingle posted 9/8/2013 21:38 PM

I so feel your pain. Dd loved going to see her dad and OW. It's awful for me. Just like The other poster says, they only like them because they're not really parenting. Sure, I'm not as much fun because I'm busy keeping track of doctor/dentist appointments, activities, homework, bedtimes, etc. I don't have time to just be fun. They will know in the end though, that we were the real parents. We just have to stay focused on that.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/8/2013 21:48 PM

I just read your profile...

He couldn't win by any other means, so they are trying to go overboard with your child.

I go thru this, and I think Nature Girl does, too.

We're here for you, keep posting. You are a very strong woman/mom to NOT have given up after all you have been thru...our stories are similar (OW in our homes, etc.)


peridot posted 9/8/2013 22:00 PM

She wants to stay there because it's fucking Disneyland over there. My kids went through this when they were younger.

It won't always be like this. When she gets older she will see all this shit for what it truly is. It's not really the OW that she wants, it's all the fun. You haven't been replaced.

FieldsOfLavender posted 9/8/2013 22:41 PM

I so feel your pain. Dd loved going to see her dad and OW.

My DD is 8 and STBX says dd likes OWhore and wants to spend more time with her. Whore is pregnant and will be moving in with STBX in about 5 months after the baby is born. DD wants to choose where she lives and it is with her father.

courageous posted 9/9/2013 20:08 PM

Thanks everyone. It's hard because the OW gives them presents every time she sees them. I have to be the stable parent. They get sweets very night at exwh's house. One weekend DS came home and he hadn't. brushed his teeth the entire weekend.

I know they still love me but it just hurts so much... Why do they have to like her???

Holly-Isis posted 9/9/2013 20:51 PM

She doesn't want OW.

OW is just the toy and candy dispenser. She's nothing more than the cashier at McDonald's that will give you whatever you ask for and even suggest a hot apple pie to go with that.

Because she's little she sees it as the person when it's really the permission.

She'll know who is there for her, who is trying to show her love is more than giving you what you think you want. She'll get it...forget it...and get it again. Just be the constant in her life.

tesla posted 9/9/2013 21:29 PM

What Holly-Isis said.

OW is the pez dispenser of fun and what 3 year old isn't going to love that?

Carve your niche as the stable rock. You will teach your little girl all the secrets and wonders of life. That will win out over shock and awe.

On a practical note...I had trouble with Teslet at first because he could always have ice cream at daddy's anytime he wanted. I don't keep ice cream in the house. So I would tell Teslet that I thought it was wonderful that he got ice cream over at daddy's and that was a special treat. At our house we get to eat healthy food and we get to go out to the ice cream store on really, really special days. I'm well into a year and a half of this song and dance...guess what? When I take him out for ice'd think the sun stood still. Meanwhile, ex-shat has to keep upping the ante to keep his awesome status.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/10/2013 07:48 AM

45 day visitation with their father this summer.

I would like to assume that this was not straight, that you did see your DD at some point.

Little kids thrive on structure and normalcy. So for 45 days the OW was the nurtureing female role. If she is getting what she wants all the time then its going to make her want the OW over you...i mean come on, how many people want brocalli over chocolate?

The problem is that as she grows up you will provide her with the healthy influance, the love, support, and dicipline she needs. The OW will figure out quickly that sugar only gets you so far.

Hang in there. Be greatful she doesnt ignore or beat your kids, and know that you can never be replaced as mom, evar evar.

Merlin posted 9/10/2013 08:03 AM

The way that children see you and 'the other' shifts back and forth across time. It has for me at least.

Focus on being the best parent you can be and the rest will take care of itself in time. This means not 'running down' your ex and OW or even your current circumstances but raising your kids with values, standards and expectations in spite of what all of you have been through.

My goal is that when my kids are in their late 20s and look back to see who was there for them, they will know without question that I was. After all, how they see your ex and the OW is not up to you. That is between your kids and them. Focus on you and your children just as you did 'before'.

[This message edited by Merlin at 8:46 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 9/10/2013 15:41 PM

All that glitters is not gold.

I'm sorry for your pain, Courageous and I have this nightmare that when my children meet OW, similar things could happen. thing that DD has told me is that Daddy is fun but she doesn't trust him anymore. And you know what? She informed me that she trusts me!, even though I am called "rules mom", for homework, appointments, bedtime, routine...yet it also lends structure to a person's life to have routine, so that they can trust the environment they are in and that goes away with "fun dad" or "fun mom".

Perv also showers DD with outings and gifts, meals at restaurants that I can't always do, but in her every day life and for her life's issues, he's gone. When she's sick, he's gone. When she's cranky, he's gone.

All this is to say, Courageous, that I like to hope that over time and with age, your little daughter will come to understand who she can trust and things-even if she doesn't know the whole background of OW in the picture, for our daughter doesn't yet.

She misses her father and misses him coming home at night, but not the drama he brought like a thunderstorm or the unpredictability he now has.

Kids are so smart and I think their instincts help, too?

courageous posted 9/10/2013 21:09 PM

I would like to assume that this was not straight, that you did see your DD at some point.
. During the 45 day visitation I got to see them for 2 weekends during that time.

OW is just the toy and candy dispenser

I like the visual of that. It reminds me of what we say about the OW regarding our WH... That she is just a hole he used... So OW is just a dispenser my kids are using.

Carve your niche as the stable rock. You will teach your little girl all the secrets and wonders of life. That will win out over shock and awe.

Thank you tesla. I'm going to remember that. That is exactly what I want to do for her.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/12/2013 14:30 PM

During the 45 day visitation I got to see them for 2 weekends during that time.

That's not really a lot at all.

I would chaulk it up to her forming a necessary bond with the OW since you were not around. Kids need security and safety.

OW was just a warm body in other words.

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