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CanadianMom posted 9/8/2013 21:54 PM

1st post so forgive the erratic & confusing info.

Where to start?

History 1st.
2.5 years ago WH work went on strike for 6 months (union pay of only 250$ per week, less than 1/2 of his regular pay), we struggled financially & emotionally, our relationship was rocky. When he returned to worked he got "promoted" to manager of his department (no training or support from his superiors). His stress levels were through the roof.

At some point during that time (can`t remember exactly when) a "friend" of mine & her daughter moved in with us while they got back on their feet after she left her "abusive" bf.

To cope with all the stress WH turned to alcohol (he even drank at work) & other things (I knew things weren't right but ignored my instincts because when he was drinking he became his old self again, the man I fell in love with).

Present.
2-3 months ago WH came to me & told me all about the things that happened 2 years ago (the drinking, the other things & the reckless behavior) & about the A he had with my "friend", that only lasted a few days.

She was the end of his downwards spiral, once he realized WTH he was doing & that he could loose DS & me. He broke it off, made her move out. He started working on our relationship, quit his manager position, stopped drinking & everything else.

He tried to buy her silence by putting her electric bill for her new appt in his name (gave me another reason of course)& giving her money a few times, but other than that NC.

Abt 6 months after he broke it off she messaged him that she needed a few things that she had left in our shed & could he drop them off because she was too pregnant to be carrying heavy things. She then proceeded to convince him that he was the father, he told her that he didn't want anything to do with her anymore & that he didn't believe it was his.

That was then end of it until abt 6 months ago when she messaged him saying that she was going to take him to court for CS, she figured he would cough up cash to keep her quiet again, well he did for abt 3 months then he finally cracked & told me everything.

I told him he had to get counseling & get a paternity test done, he agreed & has already made the necessary steps. After he booked the appt to get the pat test done he messaged her & told her that he wanted a pat test done & gave her the info to call & make her appt. She responded saying that she was going to do this her way not ours, said she had an appt with a lawyer (Aug 30th) & would be sending him papers (it didn't take her long to figure out that if he was asking for a test he had told me everything & she knows that I am not the type of woman to let him just pay her off, she knows if the kid is his I will push for custody).

So now we have to wait to see if he gets papers from her lawyer & if he doesn't we are going to be hiring our own lawyer & sending her papers. I am not letting her drag this out & run things anymore. She knows that if we go after her for custody we will win. She has many complaints with child services, can't keep an appt, has 4-5 possible fathers for her 2nd (the one that could be WH), no source of income we know of, is a pathological liar & all around is just a horrible mother.

And in all that I have to sort my feelings out! We talked abt it & I don't want to throw our family away over something that in a way has already been "fixed" (even though I didn't know it). The hard part is that he has already had time to deal with all his emotions somewhat (I think he just kind of buried everything)& his scars aren't fresh any more. But mine are! I am doing the roller coaster of emotions & trying to heal. But he doesn't really want to talk abt it because it gets him all upset.

So I hope you guys will be able to help me sort out some of my mess of emotions & help me heal.

Thanks for reading & sorry for the confusing novel.

emotionalgirl posted 9/8/2013 22:00 PM

(((((CanadianMom)))))

heartache101 posted 9/9/2013 00:06 AM

Tough cookies for him. He made the mess. He should help you.
Get him on here. He needs to read and help you heal..

soconfusednow posted 9/9/2013 01:57 AM

Look in Wayward side for Things that every WS needs to know I printed it & gave it to my WH. Then he started to understand my needs better. It told him all the things I had a hard time expressing.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 1:58 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

CanadianMom posted 9/9/2013 06:13 AM

I will print out or make a document for him to read, but I don't think I want him on here just yet. I need to know that this is my sanctuary for now at least, if he needs to talk he can talk in IC or with me.

Thanks for the suggestion of the read I found it & copied it into a doc for him to read. If you guys have any other suggested reads for him feel free to pass them along I will make sure he reads them.

I am sure this will be a great help to my healing process. Thanks to you all.

LAFA posted 9/9/2013 10:20 AM

I Believe "Joseph's Letter" is an excellent item to print out for a WS. Sending you thoughts and prayers.

soconfusednow posted 9/9/2013 11:34 AM

but I don't think I want him on here just yet.

I also am not ready for my spouse to come on this site.

I'm hoping one day, I'll be able to share this with my H, but right now it's my safe place.

I made sure the printer settings didn't print anything in the header/footer areas. I cut the top off the page, so the SurvivingInfidelity.com logo was gone & I used a fat permanent marker to black out any references to the site.

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 11:59 AM

Way to take control over the potential OC. Do not be blackmailed or bullied.

With regard to your H. He doesn't get to "not" talk about it. You need to talk about it to heal. You have to or your mind and emotions will take over and you will never get off the emotional roller coaster.

I suggest IC for you both and then perhaps MC down the road.

There is no reason to cheat ever. To lie. To cover up.

Your H has to come to terms with his behavior and his choices and then do a deep dive to make certain he does WHATEVER it is you need to heal.

It is a long hard process. Even though it happened sometime ago, it is still new to you.

You have been dealt a great shock and you will need many questions answered and reassurance through actions that he understands the magnitude of the hurt he's inflicted on you and your family.

Stay strong and fight for you, your kids and your marriage. Your husband has to be right there along the way.

Sweeping this under the rug will help no one.

Good luck. Keep us posted. We are rooting for you.

CanadianMom posted 9/9/2013 13:13 PM

Things are kind of all over the place right at the moment. DS has just started K & WH has just started a new job.

So right now I am concentrating on getting used to the new schedule of school & new job (shift work on rotation (day, afternoon & evening) plus all the over time he wants). The new job is temporary (4-6 weeks) so he is going to do all the over time he can to build up our savings account in case he doesn't get an other job soon after this one is over & we have to go on unemployment (likely for the winter).

So right now it's hard to find time to ourselves, he's working 8hrs reg shift or 12hrs with over time. And with the rotating shifts often when he is home he has to sleep, so we don't end up having much time to talk especially with the kids (we prioritize the kids having time with WH).

Once we get this whole shift work thing figured out we will start scheduling therapy both IC & MC. But for now we are just going to deal with things as best we can on our own.

One good thing that has helped over the last month or so is that we have one of WH's cousins staying with us (he knows nothing about the A) & he has been helping out with all the things that need doing around the house, etc. Plus he is a clown so he helps cheer me up when I feel down & he plays with the kids when I need a few minutes alone.

[This message edited by CanadianMom at 5:21 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

CanadianMom posted 9/10/2013 20:01 PM

WH will be on days next week starting on Monday, so starting this weekend we will be able to spend a bit of 1 on 1 time together again.

Is it weird that even though he betrayed me I still trust him to be out of my sight? I still check up on him though (when I take an insecurity fit) but mostly I trust him.

When he made the appt for the pat test he insisted on a separate appt for her (even though it was an extra 50$) because he didn't want to even see her there.

Thinking back on it now, she always was a little too friendly with WH. Always finding a reason for needing his help, etc. Even before she moved in with us & after that things only got worse. It didn't take her long to sneak her way closer to him, taking every opportunity to drive another wedge between us, all the while pretending to be my friend!

CanadianMom posted 9/16/2013 21:18 PM

Going to do something just for myself this week. I'm going to go through all of DS'S toys & minimize his toys so that they all fit in his room & get the toy box out of the living room. I'm going to put my sewing machine there so that I can do more of what I love to do.

Gemini71 posted 9/16/2013 21:39 PM

Excellent idea, doing something for you and your DS. I've always found that my kids enjoy their toys so much more when they have an organized space to play in.

My STBXWH didn't want to talk about his As either, but for different reasons. I found that it helped me to write down questions and concerns so the when we did talk, I could have my thoughts organized. But then, I'm not a very good example, as we are getting D.

Basically I just wanted to send you ((hugs)) and let you know that I admire your determination to do what it right for the OC while still dealing with the fresh emotional wounds of D-Day. That takes an enormous amount of strength, especially with the double betrayal of your 'so called' friend.

Stay strong, and keep posting.

CanadianMom posted 9/17/2013 09:40 AM

Yeah if OC is his I refuse to have that sorry excuse for a human being raise her. I am guessing in the beginning we would get joint custody (no judge would automatically give us full custody, they still favor the mother). But I will keep track of all her screw ups until we have enough to have her rights terminated.