"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

nekorb posted 9/8/2013 21:58 PM

I don't know what to expect. My husband is SO angry about certain things in our marriage before he cheated.

I mean sooooo angry.

I'm just afraid tomorrow is going to be a "shit on nekorb" hour....outlining all of my faults and mistakes in as much detail as time will allow...

I'm just really afraid about what is going to happen. I want my marriage so badly....despite his affair....my fear is that he is so angry he won't be able to get past it.

I guess that's just where I have to trust the therapist, right?

Plus, we haven't met this person before, so I'm a tote nervous about that....

Idk, there has just been so much anticipation about this appointment tomorrow - have been waiting for three weeks.

Please send good thoughts and prayers our way for tomorrow evening.

Thanks.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/8/2013 22:13 PM

I was soooo nervous on the day of my first MC appt. totally normal. Sending hugs and support your way!! good luck tomorrow!!

womaninflux posted 9/8/2013 22:36 PM

I am almost 6 months into MC and I still get a feeling of impending doom before I go. In general, I feel better after...like "that wasn't so bad." But it's hard to put it all out there and be challenged by MC and hear defensive stuff from your spouse and get defensive about what your spouse says. We're really learning to communicate for the first time since we dated and it's hard to form new, healthy behaviors when the old ones are so ingrained.

We're on our 2nd counselor...we switched after about 8 wks to a different one because we both agreed we weren't getting anywhere with the first.

I think the main thing to keep in mind is that things don't change quickly. It takes time to work through long established issues. The first session is all about assessment and determining what the goal is. Also, you will have to figure out if both of you are committed to MC. You can't reconcile if both of you don't have that goal.

TxsT posted 9/8/2013 23:25 PM

I look at MC as a way that I finally get to have a voice. I have never been nervous nor have I ever regretted a session. I speak loudly, I don't do the good wife crap anymore and I will always voice my opinions from now on, no matter what it is I need to say.

Learn to communicate! It is the only way this is going to work. It is the number 1 reason besides sagging sexual relations in so many A's.

T

nekorb posted 9/9/2013 10:23 AM

...and the MC has strep throat and has called off today and we can't get to any of the openings he created to try and accomodate everyone that they are cancelling today. :(

SO - now it's next Monday.

I'm so disappointed.

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 13:58 PM

Nekrob...sorry it was delayed but now you can use this time wisely and maybe think up a point blank bullet list of topics you think you would like to talk about. If the MC doesn't start with making WS give somewhat of a description of what went down, ask for one. This is your place to feel safe and ask ANY question you want. Let your WS open up. The MC gets where you are (hell) but needs to understand where WS is. Has the A stopped, when did it start, was in physical or just and EA, was there other circumstances. I let my WS talk a lot in the first MC.

T

sisoon posted 9/9/2013 17:31 PM

I guess that's just where I have to trust the therapist, right?

the MC needs to earn your trust - be ready to trust him, but only if he's trustworthy.

One thing he can and should do is short-circuit the 'shit on nekorb' stuff. He needs to acknowledge it and accept it, but he needs to confront your H on things like 1) nekorb was in the same M, and she didn't cheat; 2) if your H had problems with the M, t was his responsibility to raise the issues so the 2 of you could resolve them; and 3) your H's anger is his problem, and he probably should seek IC if he needs help in dealing with it (and it sounds like he does).

If the MC doesn't call your H on his crap, if the MC doesn't give you a lot of protection, if the MC doesn't treat the A as a giant bear that needs at least to be tamed enough to get into a cage, don't give this MC your trust.

If the MC doesn't protect you, you need to protect yourself - repeating points 1-3 above in the session could be a good a start.

I can't help mentioning that if your H is using anger as a way to shift blame and avoid responsibility, he doesn't sound like a candidate for R at this point. I know you've got extra stress right now, but detaching from your H may be the best way you've got to reduce stress.