Gently....you are pretty close to your DD....looks like about 4 months out. That is not any time at all.
I think, by what you describe, your fWH is right on schedule with his dialogue.
By this I mean slow to initiate any conversation about it, SAYS he is remorseful and will never do it again (if words were enough, your vows would have prevented him from committing adultery in the first place), views SI as a place to come bash WS, minimizing what he did compared to other WS, reluctant to see any value in sharing what you desire to share about the trauma you just experienced, and....this is a big one...failing to understand that what has happened to you is real trauma.
It is not just uncomfortable, not just shock, not just pain....it is TRAUMA.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I don't think many WS can really grasp this. Maybe it is their coping mechanisms that have kept them from really bonding with anyone that gets in their way of really understanding the pain and hurt that is felt by BS?
Maybe this is the human way of protecting oneself from the reality of how cruel we can all be?
I have lived this nightmare for 1 year tomorrow...I really cant explain why many WS cant accept that what they did was as traumatizing as it was.
You may consider IC for a bit....don't even do MC.
Several mistakes I made was to try to help my fWW....shared Christian emails, suggested books, talked about SI with her, jumped into MC right away (falsely thinking my wife and I were in this together from the beginning)....all efforts where wasted. Have totally learned that the only person that can change you is.....you.
At 3 months I was still getting lied to...trickle truthed. My wife was indifferent to me at best...still morning the loss of her AP....she was actually mad at ME for causing this wonderful relationship to end.
At 6 months real rage....rage like I didn't think I was capable of producing, and had a hard time facing and processing. At 12 months my good days are just okay.
I love my wife. I suspect you love your husband. What they have demonstrated was a strong ability to invite another person to come squarely between us.
That is on them...and is proving to be a very difficult fact for my wife to deal with. Thus, very few conversations started by her.
I am hopeful your husband has refrained thus far from putting any justifications to his adultery (ie. your hair is too long, too short. Sex wasn't often enough. He never felt feelings with you that he did with his AP...and the list can be as long as they need it to be).
Longish post I know.
I really understand where you are at.
What has helped me was my relationship with God, a very close friend who lives in another state, and IC....counseling has stopped for me for the moment. I am on a good rail right now and think my old counselor has served her purpose. I think it is highly likely I will find another counselor in the future though.
My goal is to NORMALIZE my experience, not MINIMIZE it. Reading lots of books and SI have helped a great deal. As you will learn what we all are going through is, sadly, NOT unique to us. I find both comfort and sadness in this.
I have two single digit aged daughters....I cant help but to think about them. I pray every day they NEVER experience the pain that adultery is. It is among the worst I believe another human can do to another human. I have read case studies of people that survived concentration camps only to have adultery enter their marriage. They report the internal pain and suffering was far worse from their spouse committing adultery then their time spent in concentration camps.
I mention that to point out that what you are experiencing is something to really face and grieve over. Your marriage as you both knew it is over....their is a grieving period for that fact. The rage came to me when I fully realized my wife jumped in with both feet to kill our marriage...not me, not our kids, nothing was able to persuade her to do otherwise.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]