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Talking is a pity party from WH

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Teardrop29 posted 9/9/2013 02:10 AM

WH says he's very remorseful and will never do it again... He said he has a hard time opening up and when I mention that he hasn't really initiated any open conversation he says he's not used to that. It's been 3 months and I'm always the one initiating our conversations which only eventually lead to argument because he says I attack him with my words.

Also, he says that when he does open up, I use it and throw it back in his face all the time. I know I tend to do that, just like when he said he felt I was unapproachable during the time he was down, hence he coped with affair. I questioned his reasoning re: A, as even though I'm pregnant, I was making an effort to please him, but he was the one refusing me. I suggested counselling many times, but he's never believed in it. Recent example, we were at a wedding and when I asked about commitment and marriage, he made a point to tell me someone was checking him out and he's not going to hook up with her because he's married, hence a changed man. I got upset about his response and that's when he said that that was the problem with me. He was being open and I get upset, hence "unapproachable."

I was upset and said to him I'm writing on SI and he says I'm looking for a pity party or lets-hate-WH name- party whenever I open up to someone about my feelings. Be it here on SI or to my best friend or sister. He thinks I speak ill of him all the time, and get so paranoid about me telling everyone about what he's done. I don't speak about him actually... Talking to my friends is my only escape from my reality so I don't even bring it up nor do I tell everyone.

I directed him here for some insight and reading, but it feels like he doesn't get the pain an A can cause. I feel like he's just fascinated with the different stories as he's made comments before that what he's done is nothing compared to what other WS's have done.

Maybe I do attack him, but it's coming from a place of hurt. its bad I'm justifying my bad behavior with the pain. But I just can't help it. I don't know how to handle his honesty. And why does he make me feel like its wrong to vent when he sometimes supports me and most times he just snaps or maybe I really am unapproachable? Who do I turn to? Am I suppose to keep everything to myself? I feel like I'm going to blow up! Do I really throw his openness and honesty back to his face? How about my feelings of hurt, how come he can't accept them either when I open up? Or maybe I do sound like I'm attacking? I'm soooo confused!

gonogo1 posted 9/9/2013 04:15 AM

Big Big Hugs. Come on SI anytime and vent, you need to for yourself . Let FWH know what you need to R . Find someone in Real life to talk with ,C if you can .FWH also needs C .
Just found out forum would be a great place for you to vent , I was in no state to make nice to my WH at the 3 mo mark I was too angry and you have to get that out or you will turn it inwards on yourself .The A is not your fault . Your FWS has a lot of work to do on himself not your work to fix. Him . Your question is will you stay with him if he is not trying to do his part .

[This message edited by gonogo1 at 4:24 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 05:30 AM are pretty close to your DD....looks like about 4 months out. That is not any time at all.

I think, by what you describe, your fWH is right on schedule with his dialogue.

By this I mean slow to initiate any conversation about it, SAYS he is remorseful and will never do it again (if words were enough, your vows would have prevented him from committing adultery in the first place), views SI as a place to come bash WS, minimizing what he did compared to other WS, reluctant to see any value in sharing what you desire to share about the trauma you just experienced, and....this is a big one...failing to understand that what has happened to you is real trauma.

It is not just uncomfortable, not just shock, not just is TRAUMA.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I don't think many WS can really grasp this. Maybe it is their coping mechanisms that have kept them from really bonding with anyone that gets in their way of really understanding the pain and hurt that is felt by BS?

Maybe this is the human way of protecting oneself from the reality of how cruel we can all be?

I have lived this nightmare for 1 year tomorrow...I really cant explain why many WS cant accept that what they did was as traumatizing as it was.

You may consider IC for a bit....don't even do MC.

Several mistakes I made was to try to help my fWW....shared Christian emails, suggested books, talked about SI with her, jumped into MC right away (falsely thinking my wife and I were in this together from the beginning)....all efforts where wasted. Have totally learned that the only person that can change you

At 3 months I was still getting lied to...trickle truthed. My wife was indifferent to me at best...still morning the loss of her AP....she was actually mad at ME for causing this wonderful relationship to end.

At 6 months real rage....rage like I didn't think I was capable of producing, and had a hard time facing and processing. At 12 months my good days are just okay.

I love my wife. I suspect you love your husband. What they have demonstrated was a strong ability to invite another person to come squarely between us.

That is on them...and is proving to be a very difficult fact for my wife to deal with. Thus, very few conversations started by her.

I am hopeful your husband has refrained thus far from putting any justifications to his adultery (ie. your hair is too long, too short. Sex wasn't often enough. He never felt feelings with you that he did with his AP...and the list can be as long as they need it to be).

Longish post I know.

I really understand where you are at.

What has helped me was my relationship with God, a very close friend who lives in another state, and IC....counseling has stopped for me for the moment. I am on a good rail right now and think my old counselor has served her purpose. I think it is highly likely I will find another counselor in the future though.

My goal is to NORMALIZE my experience, not MINIMIZE it. Reading lots of books and SI have helped a great deal. As you will learn what we all are going through is, sadly, NOT unique to us. I find both comfort and sadness in this.

I have two single digit aged daughters....I cant help but to think about them. I pray every day they NEVER experience the pain that adultery is. It is among the worst I believe another human can do to another human. I have read case studies of people that survived concentration camps only to have adultery enter their marriage. They report the internal pain and suffering was far worse from their spouse committing adultery then their time spent in concentration camps.

I mention that to point out that what you are experiencing is something to really face and grieve over. Your marriage as you both knew it is over....their is a grieving period for that fact. The rage came to me when I fully realized my wife jumped in with both feet to kill our marriage...not me, not our kids, nothing was able to persuade her to do otherwise.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 05:38 AM

Just a week ago I realized I had forgiven my wife. I pushed and worked forgiving her almost since the beginning.

The funny thing about this is that forgiveness just kind of appeared out of a was NOT the result of a definitive choice. I had decided I desired to forgive my wife, so in that regards it was a choice....but the actual act of forgiving was not nearly as cut and dried.

In fact, I sat on this act for 2 weeks just to make sure it was what I suspected it was before I shared it with my wife.

So don't push yourself to forgive your husband. Sometime in the future you will have to decide if you want to forgive him. And if you do, and I think you do, realize it is a process.

God be with you both.

Teardrop29 posted 9/9/2013 23:33 PM

Gonogo1, thanks for the support. I have already asked myself that question... Unfortunately I don't know the answer.

Factors are:
1. I still love him
2. Separation would be traumatizing to my young children (or maybe I refuse to raise my children in a broken home because I came from one)

I want him sooo badly to take initiative! I pray to god that he would because I really don't want to throw away what we have, but seeing that he's hurting from causing this pain to me (as selfish as it sounds) will really help me feel assured that he wouldn't want to hurt me again.

blakesteele, thank you for responding. I am so happy for you that you are able to find forgiveness for your wife. I hope to be in that place too someday. I am trying 180 right now. Day 1 yesterday. It actually felt good that I stopped talking about the affair. I didn't stop thinking about it, but knowing 180 is all about my healing makes me feel somewhat empowered. That's not to say I'm still praying to god that my husband show genuine remorse, but this is a long Process for him and I as far as I understand.

I am in IC right now. Had my first session last week actually. Fwh is starting his this week. We tried MC, but epic fail as I had too much anger and hurt. I will admit that I purposely refuse to see his pain from my shortcomings in our marriage because I see his action to cope as inhuman. No way he's getting comfort from me for his pain was what I used to say. I still say that now, but with a lot less passion. :-).

I commend you for forgiving your wife. My father was a WS hence the broken family background on my end. I can't imagine the pain you wet through. I can't minimize my WH's actions as an affair is an affair regardless, except his was purely sexual and no emotional connection. I don't know where I'd be if it was more than physical. In a loonie bin for sure!

Thanks for suggesting prayer... I have been doing that. I will include you in my prayers. Lets keep faith that God has better plans for us that's why he gave us such a challenge. They do say, "He won't give you what you can't bear."

Skan posted 9/10/2013 19:52 PM

That's Mother Theresa's prayer, which I have in my office: I know that God won't give me more than I can bear, but sometimes I wish that he didn't trust me so much. (((hugs)))

sisoon posted 9/10/2013 21:47 PM

It's possible your H is still trying to avoid responsibility for cheating by accusing you of being, well, vengeful. If that's the case, he isn't a good candidate for R right now.

OTOH, it's possible that you could express your anger in a way that's safer for him - for example, by saying things like 'I'm furious that you ....' That's a whole lot different from 'You SOB! How could you do this to me!?!'

Since your conversations are problematic for you, I suggest telling your IC that you'd like to have better conversations with your H.

If you come up with observable requirements for R, it's easy to determine how he's doing. Have you developed requirements for R for your H?

A lot of BSes want their WSes to initiate conversations about the A. Very few WSes seem to do that, which makes sense to me. My W does it only very rarely, and when she does, it's about something very specific.

Here's the thing, though. As the BS, I'm responsible for my own healing (and I think that's true for all of us). That means to me that I ought to lead the conversation into the areas I'm interested in. My W is responsible for her healing, so when she initiates a talk, it's mainly for her healing, which may or may not help me.

Several months into an R that looked good, we helped each other, but for the first several months, really, I used my energy to heal myself - I drove the conversation in the directions I wanted to go, and I think that worked well for me and for us. YMMV.

Note: I focused on myself primarily to help me and 2ndarily to help our M, not to hurt my W.

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