First, some history.
We are approaching our 1 year antiversary. Our second d-day was complicated. The LTA had been over for 18 months, but I was struggling mightily all that summer with my H's attachment to a new woman, an employee, I'll call JK. They also would train together sometimes (triathlons). I felt he was too close to her, in fact some of his employees thought they were having an affair. Since he had promised me the world after Dday 1 (which at the time I only thought was an EA) I was so hurt that he wouldn't curtail this relationship. I was seriously considering divorce and we were starting MC. Last year at this time we all did a local triathlon and I was uncomfortable with the amount of attention my H paid to JK (her husband was competing too). He seemed focused on her, was smiling and laughing with her, and would hang out near her more than me, IMO. It really added to my concern.
DDay #2 I received an anonymous letter stating that the EA had been a PA (and longer than I had known) and that my H was having an affair with JK. So I had to process both of these things at once. My most immediate concern was JK, because that would have been a dealbreaker for me. From talking to her and a polygraph and PI, I was comfortable that it was not a PA and went on to deal with the LTA. I still needed my H to curtail the relationship with JK, which he did, but believe it or not he still dug in his heels over how inappropriate it was. It wasn't until he saw the new phone records that he could see the pattern developing of calls and texts that he had been in with his LTA. My theory is that since he wasn't having sex with her he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong and let his control issues and stubbornness cloud his judgement. And since he had lied to me and his IC after the first Dday, he hadn't dealt with any of his issues and still felt the need for external validation.
Fast forward a year. JK still works for him (which I had veto power on and decided I was okay with) and she and her husband still compete in tris. We had our big local tri weekend this weekend. What a difference! My H was focused on me all weekend. He did ask at one point if it was okay if we went and said hi to them, which was okay with me, but he was holding my hand, touching me, following where I would go.
We both did the sprint tri on Saturday and he followed it with the half-iron Sunday, so I was able to take care of him, since he was wiped. He really appreciated my care and told me so repeatedly. I thanked him, but replied that I had always done so but that he hadn't appreciated it before. He admitted that, and looked sad. I told him I wasn't trying to make him sad, that I was just very happy that he had changed.
The thing about this weekend was that there were some learned behaviors (asking me first) but mostly I noticed just a real inner change in him. I told him that I was emotionally so much happier this year and he said that he was too. Well last year at this time nothing had come out. But he realizes that the way he was living before was unhealthy and toxic and he he enjoys now so much more, even though he has had to deal with the Dday fallout.
I really think this change may last and am feeling very hopeful today!