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catlover50 posted 9/9/2013 06:11 AM

First, some history.

We are approaching our 1 year antiversary. Our second d-day was complicated. The LTA had been over for 18 months, but I was struggling mightily all that summer with my H's attachment to a new woman, an employee, I'll call JK. They also would train together sometimes (triathlons). I felt he was too close to her, in fact some of his employees thought they were having an affair. Since he had promised me the world after Dday 1 (which at the time I only thought was an EA) I was so hurt that he wouldn't curtail this relationship. I was seriously considering divorce and we were starting MC. Last year at this time we all did a local triathlon and I was uncomfortable with the amount of attention my H paid to JK (her husband was competing too). He seemed focused on her, was smiling and laughing with her, and would hang out near her more than me, IMO. It really added to my concern.

DDay #2 I received an anonymous letter stating that the EA had been a PA (and longer than I had known) and that my H was having an affair with JK. So I had to process both of these things at once. My most immediate concern was JK, because that would have been a dealbreaker for me. From talking to her and a polygraph and PI, I was comfortable that it was not a PA and went on to deal with the LTA. I still needed my H to curtail the relationship with JK, which he did, but believe it or not he still dug in his heels over how inappropriate it was. It wasn't until he saw the new phone records that he could see the pattern developing of calls and texts that he had been in with his LTA. My theory is that since he wasn't having sex with her he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong and let his control issues and stubbornness cloud his judgement. And since he had lied to me and his IC after the first Dday, he hadn't dealt with any of his issues and still felt the need for external validation.

Fast forward a year. JK still works for him (which I had veto power on and decided I was okay with) and she and her husband still compete in tris. We had our big local tri weekend this weekend. What a difference! My H was focused on me all weekend. He did ask at one point if it was okay if we went and said hi to them, which was okay with me, but he was holding my hand, touching me, following where I would go.

We both did the sprint tri on Saturday and he followed it with the half-iron Sunday, so I was able to take care of him, since he was wiped. He really appreciated my care and told me so repeatedly. I thanked him, but replied that I had always done so but that he hadn't appreciated it before. He admitted that, and looked sad. I told him I wasn't trying to make him sad, that I was just very happy that he had changed.

The thing about this weekend was that there were some learned behaviors (asking me first) but mostly I noticed just a real inner change in him. I told him that I was emotionally so much happier this year and he said that he was too. Well last year at this time nothing had come out. But he realizes that the way he was living before was unhealthy and toxic and he he enjoys now so much more, even though he has had to deal with the Dday fallout.

I really think this change may last and am feeling very hopeful today!

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 07:49 AM

I think he finally gets it. My H's old behaviour of getting too close to people when he talks with them has stopped. He is afraid to even be with a woman alone now.....what ever works for him.

We also had a chat about EA's and how to spot one. He didn't know what they were but I basically told him that when you have someone around you that starts telling you personal things and they are the opposite sex that's the time to move away. If you let it go too long you are in trouble. I think the chat helped.....he said when asked if this was ever going to happen again...not on your life. The hurt and pain I put us both through isn't worth ANYTHING.

T

LosferWords posted 9/9/2013 08:17 AM

That does sound like a great weekend. It's the inner change that tends to "stick" the most. Great to hear.

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 08:37 AM

Wonderful Catlover50! Your husband is getting it...and you have changed as well...kudos to you both!

My 1 year antiversary is tomorrow. Not really at the same spot as you guys are, but that is why I follow your thread.

Kind of like having a running partner that has a slightly better pace then you....by running with them you will improve your pace.

I am planning on walking my girls to school tomorrow....kinda thinking this is going to be a solo walk for me (no wife involved). Am thinking it is just better that way...remove expectations on anyone but myself this way. To be sure my wife has offered to walk with me...but our ideas of spousal support differ slightly. Probably could work it out but energies on both sides are low...rather not spend them on this task. Plus, that inner change Losferwords speaks of is taking place in me....so I got this!

Keep posting...my pace still needs work!

God is with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:42 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

catlover50 posted 9/9/2013 10:13 AM

Sorry you are struggling a bit blakesteele; I follow you as well. It seems that you are getting stronger and that can only be for the best.

I wish you well.

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 12:09 PM

Thanks catlover50. Just to clarify we are doing better....just not as well as you two. I have hope and faith.

Your progress is good for me, and others, to witness.

God be with us all.

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 13:43 PM

Smiling at Blake!!!! You'll get there now that you have made a choice buddy.

T

bionicgal posted 9/9/2013 18:41 PM

Blakesteele - Did I read that correctly? You are walking your daughters to school tomorrow? On your anti-versary? My heart swells.

My thoughts will be with you.

hopeful18 posted 9/9/2013 22:18 PM

I am glad it was such a positive weekend for you.

On another note my wh developed an ea while training for ironman. The long hours of training with his team led to an ea with a team mate! We went to watch our local tri this weekend. His first as a spectator. He is getting the training bug back. This time it will have to be different. We will have to discuss. Triathlons have become a big trigger for me unfortunately.

catlover50 posted 9/10/2013 04:51 AM

Sorry hopeful.

We do our training together, so it is bonding for us. He no longer trains with anyone else.

I could see how that would be a trigger.