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scream posted 9/9/2013 07:52 AM

Having trouble understanding what defines a trigger? Teach and I saw a band the other night who had a female singer that reminded her of a woman I wnet out 20 years ago. Now to put in perspective. I did break up with teach then to do so. (We were much younger then, at least I was). I think it caught me off gaurd as to what a trigger might be? All BS responses welcome. Need as much help in this as I can get. I guess a general answer would be "what ever she thinks is a trigger", just wasn't thinking that far back. Teach and I have a long history. I have know and had feelings for her since we were teenagers

Sadwife222 posted 9/9/2013 08:19 AM

Fords, name of her city, her name, women that remind me of her, birthdays (he first fucked her on her birthday), Christmas (he bought her a Christmas present and not one for me), camping (he went with her), our boat, our bed (he fucked her in it), our house, our bedroom, his car, texts and phone calls from him (he had secret phone for her), movies, books, woman with really fat calves, women who are sloppily dressed, green eyes...and so much more. I never know what will make me trigger. I guess it's simply a broken heart.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 8:20 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 08:23 AM

My H and I also have a very long history that goes back to when we were both much younger. There were some very unhealthy issues, even from back then. Just because it was so far in the past, if you two did it together it can trigger her. Some of our deepest rooted issues stemmed back to per marriage (we lived together for almost 10 years). Be prepared to revisit stuff you might think doesn't actually does. You have rocked your BS's ENTIRE world. She will be trying to figure out if what she has gone through, what she might have given up, what she might have done if she chose not to marry you were all worth the horrible and never ending pain she is going through right now.

Once we finally talked out these long standing issues, and learned how to properly communicate effectively, we finally feel we have put ALL of the past behind.

T (BS)

[This message edited by TxsT at 8:23 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

scream posted 9/9/2013 08:37 AM

Thanks. I know most of what triggers her about my affair. And I try to avoid causing them. Some I can some I have no control over. I try to think ahead to prevent what ever I think might be one. I guess I'm wondering what the definition of a trigger is? And if a BS is always thinking about an affair is there a trigger? Or is it just a thought on top of already shitty thoughts?. Either way its awful for her and just a shitty way for her to go through her everyday. But I appriciate any and all responses.

cantaccept posted 9/9/2013 08:52 AM

I find triggers to be things that intensify the pain. The a is pretty much all the time but a trigger is a deeper pain, one that brings up intense emotion.

The hardest for me are the unexpected. Places and things are more controllable for me now because I can prepare.

It' the ones that blindside me that are the hardest and sometimes even the most seemingly innocent.

A word, a song, a conversation with a stranger.

What would help me the most from h, compassion.

I am sorry this hurt you and I know that it is because of my actions that this hurts you.

Acknowledgement, taking responsibility, remorse and physical comfort. Reassurance that you will always be there to comfort, never be so selfish and are grateful for the chance to prove yourself.

Tough morning so my list may be a little over the top.

sinsof thefather posted 9/9/2013 08:57 AM

Triggers are very personal things. Sometimes bs's themselves can't predict what what will or will not be a trigger. But hazarding a guess, using myself as an example (and generalising) I would say that anything that stirs a memory or makes teach just think about a time when she didn't come first with you will cause a trigger that can be linked to your affair. Anytime that she feels you put your wants in front of her and her feelings can lead to a trigger about the affair. Literally anything that reminds her of her coming second (or last).

So for example, I would guess that Saturday night that singer reminded teach that you broke up with her because you (at the time) preferred that other woman to her - and you hurt teach so you could have that other woman - now that may have happened years before the affair, and that woman may not have had anything to do with the affair you had years later - but seeing someone who looked like her, reminded her of you putting yourself and your wants in front of her, and that lead to her thinking of when you did that in your affair, so it brought the affair to mind and became a trigger. Or at least that's how I read it anyway.

So for me, a trigger could have been anything from the affair or before that made me feel that I came last in my husbands thoughts - and of course that linked straight into thinking about his 'affair' (The ultimate 'coming last' to a BS) and there you have it - a trigger - from something seemingly unrelated or that's how it worked for me anyway. Triggers are very unpredictable things and that's why they can hit you out of the blue. I don't think you can ever guard against them all no matter how hard you try.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:03 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 13:40 PM

My biggest triggers were:
-my husband himself. Just looking at him sometimes
-music/songs especially sad ones or ones with infidelity. COUNTRY MUSIC
-places where I knew they had gone
-any thing to do with his old Job
-memories or events that used to be positive before the A
-sometimes my my just made one up or mind movied a thought about the two of them together
-at first anything done in our bed
-all books/movies/shows with any hint of infidelity

[This message edited by TxsT at 1:41 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

silverhopes posted 9/10/2013 01:09 AM

I guess I'm wondering what the definition of a trigger is?

As sinsof thefather says, they're very personal things. They can remind you of a bad memory. Or bring up a bunch of emotions unexpectedly.

Have you and Teach ever talked about what happened 20 years ago, when you broke up with Teach to date the other woman? If not, then sometimes a trigger can be a good prompt to address it. Help her talk through her trigger. The unexpectedness of them can be scary, and it can really help to have someone acknowledge your emotions when you feel them.

Jrazz posted 9/16/2013 00:08 AM

Just tonight we were watching TV and during a commercial someone said "uh oh."

Two simple, stupid words.

Two words that were part of a song that he told COW reminded him of her.

That song is burned in my brain, and although I don't get mind movies anymore, all it takes is words from the song to trigger me at a random time.

He heard them, felt me tense, put a hand on my knee and said, "I'm sorry. Did that trigger you? I'm really sorry."

We are at the point where he acknowledges that something just happened and communicates with me immediately.

The trigger was gone as fast as it came because he was right there to help me through it.

My suggestion is to go to her if something is questionable and you have a suspicion she's triggering. If she tells you she is, just take it seriously and ask what you can do. They subside with time. At 2.7 years out I can't tell you if they go away forever, though.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:09 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

Heartbroken2013 posted 9/16/2013 03:45 AM

Triggers for me are:

Looking at photos that we took (and looked happy in) while he was online with that slut! I can no longer look at these photos and feel any happiness!

The x factor!!! (TV programme here in the UK) Stupid one i know, but i remember him always being online when this was on the tv, and later he admitted to talking to her and watching her touch herself on screen while i was in the SAME ROOM as him watching the x-factor!!

Lyrics of a song

Baking cupcakes (that's my business and he once said as i was always in the kitchen baking, he got bored and used to log on to the chatrooms!!)

Stripping off to get ready for bed/to go in the shower etc. She used to strip for him, and every time i take my clothes off i think about her!

people with the same name!

Garlic ... i read a conversation of theirs when she said she loved garlic (??) i can no longer cook with garlic as it reminds me of her!

Any news that comes on the tv about the U.S (sorry guys) i always look to see if what the news is about was anywhere near to where she lived.

Films that we went to see at the cinema together, as he would rush home to log on to talk to her afterwards.

Plenty of more triggers, but they are easing 10 mths on ... and when they happen, we talk, he holds me, he apologises.

Triggers aren't very nice, but they happen and always will, its how we deal with them when they happen is what counts.

solus sto posted 9/16/2013 09:58 AM

A trigger is any stimulus that elicits a response. In the case of infidelity, it refers to a stimulus that may seem utterly irrational but somehow is inextricably tied, in the mind of the BS, to the infidelity and its aftermath and causes a strong emotional response, almost as if the infidelity is once again being first discovered. Yes, the pain is--at first--that profound, though with time and patience, triggers can be disarmed.

Our minds are really, really complicated. So we all have different triggers. For me, things like a whiff of a certain cologne, lighting, shadows, the way the clouds look in the sky, the way shadows fall, catching a measure of certain songs---those can all elicit an emotional response that seems irrational, but is not. All of the things I describe can align in a way to recreate, in my mind, the way things were on a particular day when I had a strong emotional response to trauma.

I have some predictable ones--dates and anniversaries, women who look like OW (which is probably why, now that I think of it, I have changed my hair color after being blonde my whole life---that's a revelation!), certain television shows, a certain U.S. city, certain restaurants, the hotel where we had our wedding reception (and where the last A was consummated), that sort of thing.

But some are more ephemeral and harder to describe.

(And triggers aren't always negative; all of us have tons that are positive, too. We just don't think of them in the same way because they don't elicit the exaggerated response borne of trauma.)

AML04 posted 9/16/2013 18:55 PM

I second what sinsof said. Anything that reminds me that for a long time I didn't come first for my H. At only 4 mos past dday I can tie most of mine directly to the A (and a lot are specufuc) but I can understand how that triggered your W.
I would say just watch her body language. If she stops smiling/talking, crosses her arms or pulls away from you, it's possible she is triggering.
My H has a hard time recognizing this with me but its partially my fault because I've become flippant/sarcastic about it.
Good luck to you guys!!

BeyondBreaking posted 9/16/2013 19:19 PM

A trigger is anything that I see that reminds me of the affair.

Could be one of the places the AP's met during the affair.

Could be someone who has the same name/looks like the AP.

Could be a shirt/outfit the WS was wearing during the affair.

Some triggers are reasonable and understandable (ie "You brought the OW to our home and she sat on our sofa. Now whenever I sit on the sofa, I trigger.")...some are extreme (ie "We drove by the ice cream shop and that made me think of milk and my cousin drinks milk and my cousin's name starts with A and there is an A in OW's name!").

scream posted 9/17/2013 15:55 PM

Thanks everybody. Some of her triggers I completely understand. I can sometimes even avoid a few of them for her. But others I think to myself "why?". Why is this or that a trigger? And she is open about telling me. But I still wonder why? Just wondering if any WS or BS see this.

sad34 posted 9/18/2013 23:21 PM

Scream, because you had a long term affair absolutely everything is a trigger and I mean everything. You have to be ready for any day that you guys are having fun and she is smiling and you both are laughing it can stop immediately. She can turn from all smiles to crying or just shear anger. It could be a memory from the past, all are now tainted.
The trigger she had there i can only guess is she feels she was never good enough. You kept "choosing" other woman in her eyes.
She knows she's a strong capable woman but u have made her second guess everything. Us sufferers of long term affairs really say WTF. We did everything for you and in your eyes we failed. We didn't, but in your eyes we must have for u to have lied, and manipulated us and destroyed our trust.
Because of this everything has the potential. So u always have to b prepared to be there for her. Because she is worth it. If she freaks or yells do not become defensive. Show unconditional love.
Just tonight a mutual friend of my wh and I were talking about profile picture and she brought up on of my husbands old ones. Well this picture he took of himself during the affair and I think it's one of the ones he sent ap via text. I almost broke into tears but said nothing.
I think I will get him to delete them.
Do u understand scream? We don't even know what the triggers r, so how can u? Just b there for her, whatever she needs u r her rock and b her constant. I'm sorry but u r not allowed to b angry, or defensive. only patient and understanding. U did an unforgivable thing so when we choose to "r" u thank your lucky stars!

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