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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: One last trigger, what should I do?
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So things are going very well. I have been focusing on us, the future and the man he is now. I am taking back control of my life.

Well here is the problem. The one time that he brought her to our house he picked her up in his truck. She gave him a BJ on their way to our house while he "played around with her". I can not sit in his truck. I will not go anywhere near it. Just walking into the garage and seeing it sitting there is a huge trigger. So, we have been taking my car everywhere. There will come a time, probably really soon, that I will have to go in his truck. Winter is coming, we live in the snow belt on top of a hill. It will either be go in his truck or be stuck at home for who knows how long.

I really want him to sell it and buy something else. However, it is paid off but he bought it in 2001 brand new and it is now only worth between $5,000 and $6,000. He needs something reliable to get to work. My daughter will be going to college next year and he makes to much money for her to get a grant. She is applying for scholarships but we will still have a huge college expense as most scholarships are based on financial need. Then 3 yrs after she goes my youngest will go to college. We really can't afford another car payment on top of college expenses, we are still paying for mine.

So do I ask him to sell his truck and buy a used one for whatever he gets out of his. Or do I just go buy some seat covers and scrub the damn thing down with bleach and lysol and try to deal with it?
I made him get rid of our bed and buy me a new one and he has agreed to sell our home, that we both love(d), when the kids all go to college. Is asking him to sell his truck asking to much?

I haven't mentioned it to him, so I am not sure how he will respond. But so far he has been willing to do anything I need without hesitation.

[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 11:48 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
SpiderGrl
♀ 40157
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, 5,000 to 6,000 could buy a good, reliable truck. There is no way in hell I would ever sit in that truck again. Hell, my WH had an EA and met his ... OW at 2 restaurants. I will never set foot in them again. I'm still on the fence about going to the ones in our town that they did not go to.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
Patchy
♀ 39228
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SELL THE TRUCK!!!

I don't think it's asking too much at all. Get a used one for whatever you sell his for.

I would LOVE to get rid of my husband's truck, but I don't have nearly as legitimate an excuse as you do. She was only in it once, in the back seat, with other people in the truck, way before they ever started their A.

The main reason I hate it is it just reminds me of him sneaking off in it to go see her. He says she was never in it during the A, she never walked him to it and kissed him goodbye or anything. But still I look forward to the day it is gone.

However, had he done in it what your husband did . . it would so be gone like yesterday.

It's not asking too much. Get rid of it.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd get rid of the truck and pick up a different one as well. Hell, I sold MY truck for the same reason, and they used the AP's truck. I couldn't stand mine anymore (same brand as the AP's). I had that truck for 11 years, and there was nothing wrong with it other than I pretty much triggered every time I drove it. Now I have a utility trailer. You can get a pretty decent used 4X4 for $5k - $6k.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Dec 2011
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sell it...

I wouldn't sit in his SUV either, because they made out in it. It took him 5 months and one day to sell it.
One day I was riding my triathlon bike and I took a spill and needed to go to the ER. I called him to let him know but I refused to ride his car. I drove my bike another 5 miles because this. Am I stubborn - probably. Did he underestimate the trigger - yes.
Had I been the WS in this situation I would have sold that car the first day FOR A LOSS. Some people just don't get it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would sell it. The OW was in my SUV twice that I knew about because they were "just friends". I later found out they held hands in the car. That alone made me want to sell it. If you can get rid of it.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
sad81712
♀ 37418
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have one last trigger too. Unfortunately, it happens to be a certain area in our town. It's a "party area", a place where my H would go play poker, and where the OW lives. I have to drive past this area all the time. Since I can't move I decided I need to create different memories in that area to replace what triggers me. This has got to be mind over matter for me...I tell myself ...."this it MY town...Our town!!!"

It's been a year since my Dday so time is also helping heal.

Yes, go buy seat covers (ones you want...don't let him pick them out!) Scrub it with bleach....spray your perfume....fill it with the things you love: flowers, pictures, your magazines, your favorite snacks....make it yours again!! That truck IS YOURS! You drive it!! Do not let the OW have that power over you or "take" your things!
It sucks and it's hard but it has got to get better....for both of us.


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2012
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sell the frigger. I know exactly how you feel. My darling WH had 2 of them in the house - one in my bedroom (new bed since)but she used my ensuite, kitchen etc. I hate this house so much. And yes, we are selling. I'm afraid to ask him about his car. If any action happened in there, I think I would torch it.
I hate that he has done this to me. I hate that I feel this way. I hate who I am - who I have become because of his selfishness.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1377 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Fire96
♂ 34131
Member # 34131
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's willing to make the marriage an investment, then he needs to make an investment in a new truck.

Just my opinion, but if he accepts responsibility for the affair, and for you healing, then he has many options.

1) Buy a new/used vehicle
2) Carpool with someone
3) Hitch Hike
4) Ride the bus
5) Take a cab
6) Walk or crawl to work.

If he really loves you and wants it to work for the long run, he will find a way to ease your triggers, and prove to everyone that he's committed to you and the marriage.


Me, BS-55
WW-50
DD, 1/9/2011
Filed for divorce 6/14

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. OW and H had sex in his truck 3 times. Lovely, right? To make matters worse, it was my DAD's truck, that had sentimental value to me. Ick.

But, I don't know. I tend to like to face these things head on. I feel like, this is my truck. My dad's truck, and I'll let go of it when I damn well want to. H has been suggesting we sell it, because it does trigger me sometimes, but most of the time I am ok with it.

I don't like feeling like the A wins, KWIM? Am I the only one?


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he actually need a truck? Cars can be a lot cheaper to buy and drive. I'm not thinking Yugo here, but a Toyota Yaris/Hyundai Accent/Nissan Versa type of car can be cheap and reliable. They'd even be more useful in a car pool than a truck.

Just a thought - I don't know if it would function well in your sitch, but most of the trucks I see around here are never used for the things they were designed to do.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! He is working his last night tonight then he will be off until next Tuesday. So I will be bringing this up to him in the next day or two.

I have used different ways to deal with different triggers. They use to meet up on one of the trails in a public nature reserve in the summer, Classy right! I spent every day walking those trails until it no longer bothered me. I'm not sure if I could go there with him yet. But maybe one day. I can however drive past the entrance without breaking down now. Her house, their main meeting spot is on my way to the gym, I forced myself to drive past it instead of taking another route. I can now drive past it without looking to see if she is outside. I made myself go bowling where they use to bowl together.
My bed, my house, my toilet in our master bath (which thankfully broke today and we are replacing tomorrow)and his truck are all things that I just can't get over. The bed has been replaced, the house we will be selling in a few years but in the meantime I am redecorating everything. But just the sight of his truck makes me sick to my stomach! It had some pretty good memories attached to it. We took his truck on our honeymoon and to races, we took the kids camping and to the beach in that truck. But every memory I have in that truck is tainted now.

He does need a truck. He uses it to haul all kinds of stuff. Firewood, band equipment, motorcycles etc.
I think I'll go look around and see what kind of trucks are for sale around here! That way I can give him some options. Maybe I will do it like I did when I decided I needed a new car. I went and picked it out,brought it home and took a pic of it in the garage and sent it to him. He replied " Um? Something I should know? The next day he went to look at it and we picked it up the day after that. He didn't have much choice. But honestly, when I explain to him why I want him to get rid of it I really think he will understand and the for sale sign will go in it immediately.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sell the truck. One of the biggest triggers I had was fWH's truck. fWH would pick the OW up in his truck for their lunchtime trysts and she gave him several BJ's in the truck. I actually figured out that OW had been in the truck more often that I had. I refused to sit in the truck and the actual sight of the truck would make me physically ill. For me, the emotional toll of seeing the truck outweighed any monetary loss that occurred when we traded in the truck.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal,

I KWYM, and I am really tired of feeling like his A and the skanky whore are controlling my life. With most things I have been able to face it and move on. But things like sitting where her naked skanky ass sat and laying in the same spot that he fucked her... yeah those things I just don't think I can let them go. Plus that fact that we run into her every where and I know her...I know how she thinks. When she sees him still driving that truck she is thinking that he hasn't told me everything so that he can keep it, to keep a memory of her. That is the way skanky whore thinks.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! I am sitting here in tears! I love my husband SO much!

I couldn't stand it any longer. I sent him an email explaining how I feel about his truck. He just emailed me back with a truck that he found for sale.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to hear he's pro-active. That's very comforting. You've removed a trigger before re: hiking trail, you could do it again. Sometimes we have to remember that it isn't about the AP or where. They could have been anyone. And there's something inside the WS that is so broken that the who, what, where is not the answer.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he got home from work this morning he parked his truck outside where I would not have to look at it in the garage. He has found a couple trucks to go look at and taken pictures of his to list it for sale.

I might have been able to get over this trigger. But, why should I have to? He fucked up. Not me! So he gets to forfeit his truck. And the trucks he is looking at are ones I like and completely different than what he has now.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
still2suspicious
♀ 31722
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**clapping for SH7's hubby**

kudos to you for letting him know, calmly ,(I am sooo not like that) and he had the absolutely correct response!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Simple
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job SH7's hubby!

BTW, we sold the car he drove an OW in. We also sold his old motorcycle that he went to see OW in. We MOVED out of the area where OW are and we NEVER went to places where his OW are. Hard because he had multiples. I loose track of where is what half the time. I swear if an OW come to apologize to me or bitch to me, I would have to ask which one is she.

So yea sell the truck.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so happy for you!!

OW gave H oral sex in his car (while he was driving!!) and I HATE going near it. Luckily I don't ever have to drive the thing. I think I'd have an anxiety attack. I want him to get rid of it because I don't want HIM to remember it either but unfortunately our finances won't allow it right now.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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