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Terrible Twos?!?! What do you call 14?

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tushnurse posted 9/9/2013 11:55 AM

Holy Hell - Some alien life form has taken over my sweet baby girl. She is 14, and up until very recently was a joy every day. She pretty much lives her life in a musical, singing and happy.
Now she reminds me of Linda Blair in the exorcist.

Not one nice word for anyone that lives in our house. Snotty answers to everything. She only tells me her life is miserable when she is actually in trouble for the disrespect.
Then every thing is wrong. Too Fat, Too dumb, Too this, Too That. I seriously don't know what to do.

It kills me that she would even feel this way. This is the kid that has NEVER cared what others thought. I am sure some of it is hormones, some of it stress (a Freshman in all honors classes, and in the highest choir) some of it seems to be a very deep seated anger. I remember hating my dad, but I sure don't remember hating the world.

Lord give me strength, and knowledge to help this strong, brilliant, beautiful, girl become the amazing woman she will be.

I need a drink!!!!

woundedwidow posted 9/9/2013 12:34 PM

It's called "becoming a teenager". Sorry - you only have about 4-5 years to go!

yewtree posted 9/9/2013 12:45 PM

2X7=14

Sorry Momma, she will out grow it, an maybe you will out live it.

(((tushnurse)))

Phoenix1 posted 9/9/2013 13:11 PM

You've just hit the Holy Grail of girl teen attitude, unfortunately. Keep your fingers crossed that it only lasts a few years. In the meantime, let most of what she says roll off your shoulders unless it crosses the line of disrespect (which it definitely will) and just keep talking up the positives in her life (and yes, she will have a negative comeback for everything you say). Teen angst is almost a ritual of passage, but that too shall pass. Just don't sweat the small stuff.

My DD22 was a horrible alien creature at that age too. Her mouth got her in more trouble than I can count because she didn't know when to simply keep it shut (and I told her this repeatedly, but it did not good). Bad attitude about everything, but had all the answers. Oy! It is enough to make a parent drink to excess to avoid taking a 2x4 to them in an attempt to bring them back to earth.

I got lucky and my DD reached the end by 18 (I know others in her peer group that still struggle with it). I knew it was over when she came to me on her own, apologized for being so horrible for the last several years, and thanked me for everything I did in spite of how hard it was on me. I was speechless, but profoundly grateful. We now joke about it, and constantly use it to DD16 to learn from her sister's mistakes (since she watched the fireworks as a bystander) and don't repeat them (especially the part about keeping her mouth shut). DD16 has her moments, but she is nowhere near as bad as her sister was (thank God!), and for that I am profoundly thankful.

My DS20 just shook is head at all of it and always asked, "What is her problem, anyway?" He didn't get it either and did his best to simply stay out of line of fire (just like their dad)...

Teenagers will test the strength of Job, but hang in there as it will pass. Just keep being the terrific mom that you are and she will shed her alien form eventually!

tushnurse posted 9/9/2013 13:31 PM

Thank you all for your words of support.
DS was a challenge as a youngster, but for the most part has settled into his own and is a decent person. THANK GOD!!!!
But this one. WOW. I try to let most of it roll, but she is disrespectful to me any time she opens her mouth. The part that bothers me is she seems genuinely unhappy a lot of the time. And Phoenix, you are so right. She knows absolutely everything about anything!!!!!
My H has been attempting to coach her for golf, as she is playing for the HS this year. He took her to play 9 holes Saturday, and to the driving range on Sunday, when they walked in on Sunday, he said that is it I am done. Her answer for everything that I tried to help her with is "I KNOW".
Of course Dad wouldn't have any tips for you he plays just below the real competitor out there, I'm sure he has absolutely nothing to offer you......

Sweet Jiminy I hope this doesn't last 4 years, cause she will be living at boarding school at this rate!!!

lieshurt posted 9/9/2013 13:32 PM

I'll take the terrible twos anytime. I have a 16 year old son. His moodiness started at 15 and I swear I wasn't sure he'd live to see 16. He's gotten better now, but sometimes I still see Mr. Hyde starting to peek through.

Phoenix1 posted 9/9/2013 14:22 PM

My DD16 does the "I know!" to both her older sister and me on a regular basis. We just roll our eyes. Saying anything in response is pointless and a waste of your breath because you will never convince her otherwise. I usually just ignore it and change the subject.

The disrespectful comments earned my daughter the loss of cell phone (I wouldn't physically take it, I would just have service temporarily suspended and she would find out the hard way after being warned), being pulled from a sports team, loss of school dance privileges, loss of her laptop (she had to use the school library to do school work), and more. Basically I just rotated things I knew she really cared about. After a while the level of disrespect tapered off Had no effect on overall bad attitude, but she began to choose her words a little more carefully.

Her father used to ask ME all the time what her problem was. My response, time and again, "she's 14 (15, 16...), she's female, hormones are raging, and she has typical teen attitude!" Yet for some reason he kept asking, like the problem was going to change. He began to do the same thing with DD16 when she had her moments. I rolled my eyes at him and asked if he was kidding. He wasn't, and I began to repeat my same response (until he left and it became a moot point). He always tended to take it personally and I always had to explain it had nothing to do with him personally. They hate the world and know everything. You simply cannot reason with that logic and time is the only answer (and lots of patience and possibly alcohol...or boarding school... )

lynnm1947 posted 9/9/2013 14:53 PM

I've heard of teenager problems, but.....and you are going to hate me.....neither my son nor my daughter went through too much angst. Occasionally my daughter rolled her eyes a bit (still does at 35 this Friday!)but that was pretty much it. Having heard my friends' tales of woe, I do realize how fortunate I was!

Maybe it WAS the boarding school!

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:55 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 9/9/2013 15:12 PM

Pheonix, Thanks for the laughs.

Lynm - You are fortunate!

My boy was a crab from 13-16, but really seems to have had some maturing occur in the past few months, and is quite a nice guy with a good sense of humor. And he would pretty much stay in his room, and not talk..That I can deal with.

aLadypilot posted 9/9/2013 15:25 PM

I have a 14 year old daughter and so far, so good... (cross my fingers)

BUT I remember being 14 and I was perpetually angry at everyone! I hated everyone and my life was a miserable disaster. (Actually, I had a great upbringing and no problems, really. It seriously was just the hormones.) My poor parents! They had done nothing to deserve the viper that I had become. I outgrew it, thank God!

lynnm1947 posted 9/9/2013 15:27 PM

Oh, I recall what a total bitch I was, too. That's another reason I know I am fortunate!

Phoenix1 posted 9/9/2013 16:19 PM

Oh, I forgot to mention the perpetual teen angst comment: "I hate my life!" If I had a dime every time I have heard THAT one I would be wealthy...

Dreamboat posted 9/9/2013 16:42 PM

Basically I just rotated things I knew she really cared about.

This is really the best thing to do for disrespect. My DD knows that if I give her a warning that she is being disrespectful then she better stop. Otherwise her meals are on her own (her big thing is she wants me to make her meals -- disrespect = buying school lunch and scrounging for dinner from crap in the fridge and freezer).

Not much can be done for the "I hate my life, everybody sucks, I'm gonna eat some worms" phase. I just agree with her in a sympathetic manner. I don't try to fix, I just let her know she has been heard.

HTH

k94ever posted 9/9/2013 16:50 PM

14 is called "The Gates of Hell".

16 is called "Hell".

k9

Rebreather posted 9/9/2013 17:04 PM

OMG! The "I know!" Well, if ya know, then freaking do it!! My now 17 yo went through that phase, and my 14 yo is there now. Classic.

I have to say that I have lucked out in the teen daughter department. She's a really good girl. She loves me and isn't afraid to show it. She does, however, mock me mercilessly. Then again, it is kind of our love language.

The jury is out on the 14 year old son right now.

inconnu posted 9/9/2013 18:25 PM

When my younger son was 14, I just kept telling myself that I got through 14 without killing his older brother, I could get through 14 with this one, too.

14 is a god-awful age, imo.

Nature_Girl posted 9/9/2013 18:52 PM

I call that Happy Hour!

tushnurse posted 9/10/2013 07:41 AM

Thank you all for your support....
Last night, it was like someone had flipped the kookoo switch, she was back to her sweet charming self.
WTF?!?!

Lord give me pateince and strength to get through this....

millienotboo posted 9/10/2013 22:57 PM

Oh my, I had two girls, twenty months apart. With my oldest I was certain that we would wind up hating each other by the time that she was grown. She was a horrible person from about 12 to 18. Until then, she had always been a precious, sweet loving little girl. I was hurt, confused, shocked and stunned every day. It was horrible. I really imagined that we would cease to have any type of relationship once she was grown.
You'll be happy to hear that she is now 29 and we are the best of friends. She grew into a wonderful, responsible woman and I like her more than anyone else that I know.

Darkness Falls posted 9/11/2013 09:46 AM

I went through this as well as a teenager. My poor mother went through hell. Our relationship is somewhat strained now as a result (I'm 32) because she has a lot of bad memories and resentments from my teen years. She had a great relationship with her mom (deceased before I was born) all through her life, so I think she was unprepared for my personality when the Teenage Tornado hit.

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