Topic: He asked to have the dogs overnight
Member # 3293
| Posted: 12:30 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
I know this is such a small issue compared to so, so many others. But it has me reeling in panic and anxiety.
We haven't talked yet, in person, he and I - but, he texted me a couple random things this morning, including wanting to have more visits with the dogs, and some overnights where they would go stay with him, too.
The thought alone has caused me to heave up my breakfast and cry uncontrollably.
Do I owe him that?
I don't want my doggies to go away ... right now they are my lifeline.
A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".
Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.
Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Member # 2959
| Posted: 12:35 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Sorry this is causing you to have an anxiety heaves.
I say nope, don't let them go stay over night, he might keep them plus this is what happens when we do crappy things to our loves ones, there are repercussions for our actions and his is to be away from the furbabies.
Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
Posts: 1642 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Member # 36869
| Posted: 1:06 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
You're here for the second time because of his actions. Hell NO to his having the dogs overnight. You don't "owe" him anything. It's more than sufficient (and a damned sight more than I'd do) for him to have visits with the dogs at all.
Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.
Posts: 432 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Member # 32554
| Posted: 2:29 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Oh HELL no!
I know what I'm about to say is not how we animal lovers view our furbabies, but I think it has some legal accuracy: animals are not people like children, they are things just like property. Unless you both agree, I don't think you owe him the right to come visit your property. He doesn't get visitation, you don't make a parenting plan for things. I say this not to hurt you, I know what it is to deeply love your furry family members (I wanted to give one of our daughters a middle name which was the name of my beloved cat who had passed!). I'm saying this to bolster your sense that you probably cannot be forced to work out a visitation schedule.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10311 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 34533
| Posted: 2:33 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
No way. Plus get it written in the divorce that you "own" the dogs.
Keep possession. I think he is trying to see how you will react.
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
Posts: 849 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Member # 36883
| Posted: 2:34 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
NO...and i would talk to Tesla about WS's and dogs. He stole one of her dogs out of spit just to tick her off.
I am so sorry your furbabies are in the middle of this.
Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.
1/26/15 - Started IC for me, DH won't go.
Posts: 1863 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 26928
| Posted: 2:42 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
NO...and i would talk to Tesla about WS's and dogs. He stole one of her dogs out of spit just to tick her off.
Ditto. If you agree to this, you may never see your dogs again.
Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done
XWH#1 (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
DD(21), DS(19, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids - 3 dogs, 2 cats
I edit often for clarity/typos.
Posts: 6896 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 1330
| Posted: 2:44 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
People in hell want ice water, too.
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
Posts: 29803 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 99
| Posted: 4:53 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Oh hell to the no! I agree with the others. My guess is that he would either NOT return them to you, or he's trying to use them as a way to get to YOU. And, as another poster said - he caused this mess, and now he has to live with the repercussions.
NO, NO, NO.
"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies
Posts: 2525 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Member # 6330
| Posted: 5:07 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
I concur with everyone:
Hell NO to his having the dogs overnight. You don't "owe" him anything.
Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Member # 36697
| Posted: 5:09 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Dogs are considered property, not children. Whoever has physical possession of them is likely to keep them. I still have my two today because I did not let her take them when she wanted to. Also, if you haven't filed, please make sure the fact that they are YOURS is written into the paperwork.
He abandoned them when he abandoned you. It isn't fair to you or the dogs but it certainly isn't unfair to him. It's a natural consequence of his actions.
Posts: 1923 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 39193
| Posted: 5:12 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Absolutely NOT!! He's proven to you he can't be trusted with your life, your love, your heart, your future... Why on earth does he think you should trust him - even briefly- with your most precious possessions?
When we were still finalizing things, XWH would come by the house when I was not home to pick up / drop off paperwork or other items. He had no access to the house but I went to nutty extremes closing blinds, blocking off doors etc, so that even if he circled the whole house he would be unable to even get a glimpse of my dog through the window. He will never lay eyes on my "baby" again!!
A Fierce Dog Mommy
Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
Posts: 1175 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 34697
| Posted: 5:20 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
No, no, no!!!!
They are part of the property settlement. DO NOT let him have either of them until you have something in writing. Get something in writing that they stay with you until you have a property settlement.
Get exclusive use of the house, that way, if he breaks in and steals an animal, you have recourse. Trust me on this. Not dealing with the animals in writing or having exclusive use of the house cost me a very special animal.
"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear
Posts: 4956 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 11939
| Posted: 5:31 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
I agree 100%. Do NOT let him have the dogs. My XH tried to pull this crap and I ended up taking the animals with me everywhere one day. I didn't want him to get them at all.
Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.
My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.
Posts: 40985 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada by way of Virginia
Member # 30727
| Posted: 6:21 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
Unless you are OK with possibly no longer having custody of your dogs, then by all means... otherwise hell fucking nooo!!!
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:28 PM, September 9th (Monday)]
"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."
Posts: 1433 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Member # 33806
| Posted: 7:58 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
I have to chime in and agree with everybody else..Heck no! Don't let him near your doggies without your being there! Make this legal and in writing! Otherwise he will use any access he has to your doggies as a way to get under your skin to manipulate, possibly threaten you into giving him what he wants...You will have no recourse if this happens unless or until you have everything in writing saying that the doggies and the house are exclusively yours which would make you eligible to get a restraining order if need be..
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 1526 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 37898
| Posted: 8:12 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
We have a 17 year old dog. We have had her since before we had children and she is adored. When my STBXWW left our family and our home, as far as I'm concerned she left our "other child" too. Plus she took an apartment that she knew did not permit pets.
So no. He does not get the dogs. He made a choice as did mine. Now your post is getting me angry over my situation! Oh, and for all her professed love for our dog, she rarely even asks about her. Typical.
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Posts: 1737 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 33129
| Posted: 8:38 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
no, no, NO.
He lost the privelege of taking the pups when he walked out on you (and them). You can't trust a liar, and cheaters are liars, so don't trust that he will bring them back without something legal IN WRITING saying that they are your property.
And even then, just say no. Its just safer, especially if they are your lifeline right now!
divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 16394
| Posted: 1:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013|
Are your dogs registered, and if so are they in your name or his? If yousr alone, no he doesn't get to visit the dogs let alone have them overnight. If he is the registered owner then he can press the issue, how hard depends on him. If they aren't registered, go down to the court house and register them in your name - ASAP.
[This message edited by momentintime at 1:24 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
BS-me FWS - him
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
Posts: 3052 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 38378
| Posted: 7:45 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013|
I hope there's a way out of having your dogs go with WH.
I have an old cat and had worry that Nearly Exh would try to take her away from me like he did everything and everyone else. He didn't want the care, though.
ETA that this little old cat is frequently the only other life form who is with me for days at a time...I completely understand your protectiveness...often our pets also become our friends.
There is a relative I have who had it happen where the Ex tried to take her dog away, an expensive pure bread she paid a lot of money for and then an operation for many grand as well...she had it written by the lawyers that the dog was legally hers and he had no rights to it.
He ended up stealing other things from her, belongings, but left the dog alone.
A theory was that he may have wanted to try to sell the dog to pay some of his bills, like some of the belongings he took.
We must watch our backs at all times.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:46 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Posts: 2479 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
|Topic Posts: 28|