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musiclovingmom posted 9/9/2013 13:02 PM

My H and I went to church yesterday morning. It started great. Kids in the nursery, hugs and handshakes from some cherished people, both of us singing with our amazing praise team. Then, the sermon. I lost count of the number of times the preacher mentioned the word prostitute or fornication. I almost lost it when he talked about how darkly sexual immorality marks our very soul. Then, on to Sunday school. Conversations with long-time friends. Good food and coffee. And, a lesson about temptation. My teacher actually said 'an adulteress promises pleasure for what? 15 minutes? But at what cost?' I disappeared into my chair.
Fast-forward to after lunch. We are at the mall. My H is getting a haircut and I'm pushing our boys around in a stroller in center court. I see some plus-size mannequins in a store window and that does it (OW2 lives in town and is plus size. Seeing any female with her body shape/size, including myself, sometimes makes me anxious). But this wasn't the simple paranoia of running into her that I normally feel. Oh no. I was literally paralyzed with fear. The room went blurry. I was instantly nauseous and panicky. I had to force myself to breathe normally and start walking away from center court and back to the salon. I have NEVER reacted that badly to a trigger. Especially not in public and to something as inconsequential as a mannequin.
Later, I realized that I was pushing our older son in a stroller while my H got his hair cut in that salon and OW5 sat in a hotel room a couple states away waiting for him to come back (he'd been sent home unexpectedly to do a job in between his out of state jobs). Maybe it was just everything all at once, but I'm still a little shook up over my reaction today.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/9/2013 13:05 PM

(((musiclovingmom)))

SpiderGrl posted 9/9/2013 13:11 PM

Hugs for you MLM! Triggers suck.

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 13:18 PM

So many messages that cut to the core in such a short time - no wonder you triggered.

Your body and mind can only take so much before it has a physical reaction.

You have had a lot to deal with. OW#5?

I hope you are seeking IC for yourself. It helps to get a neutral person to help you navigate the waters.

Deep breaths and good luck. I hope your H is being good to you.

musiclovingmom posted 9/9/2013 13:29 PM

1Faith - yeah. OW5. All 5 in less than a year. 2 online and 3 old girlfriends. It's been quite the mess to sort through. I'm not currently in IC. I did quite a bit of IC in my early college years and just never felt comfortable being really real with a counselor. Never found one who called me on bs-ing them and the options around here really haven't changed since then.
I journal. And, I have a couple of close friends who have experienced infidelity in their relationships.
My H was fantastic. He held me all through church and Sunday school. He immediately knew something was wrong when I got back to the salon and asked. I told him we'd discuss it later because I didn't want some random stylist in our business. HE brought it back up when we left. Apologized. Put his arm around my waist. Watched the boys while I rested for a bit when we got home. And, made sure that we had some light-hearted tv time (instead of an action or sci-fi flick) after the kids went to bed. I really count the day as a success except for that moment.

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 16:34 PM

Don't be too hard on yourself. Triggers are tricky little things.

All things considered, I am glad you made it through.

Keep seeking honesty, love and transparency.

Perhaps MC at your church or with your pastor?

God is good and He believes in the sacrament of marriage. God certainly helped get me through the darkest days.

Good luck.

Hugs