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NC Letter Long After DDay

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TimeToManUp posted 9/9/2013 13:54 PM

Hello, all. I know this is a topic that has been discussed many times, but I wish to revisit it if that is OK.

NC was established in May of 2012. From Feb. 2012 until then, any and all contact was strictly business, and even then avoided to the highest degree possible. One time in that period COW e-mailed me to tell me that "I was making its life miserable and this NC wasn't going to work."

I responded that "I made a terrible choice and that I was going to do whatever is necessary to save my family, and all contact will remain work related."

Once I switched groups in May 2012 to get away from COW, there was no longer any need for any communication whatsoever between it and myself. And that was how it has been until today.

BW doesn't believe that I closed the door solidly enough behind me, and that COW still may think the door is open for another opportunity. She would like another NC letter sent, one that fully describes that the feelings were not real, that I am with my family because I love them and want to be with them... Not out of a moral obligation. She also wishes to let the COW know it is in need of counseling itself, before it destroys another family.

I feel like we should consider ourselves lucky that COW has stayed away. There has been no fishing attempts. Very few times have I even seen it. I take great pains to avoid it. I feel like sending a letter now would do more harm than good. Obviously, that is for BW to decide, not me. I just don't want to give it reason to seek me out for any reason, and let sleeping dogs lie. Who knows what can of worms might be opened if this letter were sent? Yes, it could be seen as an opportunity to present a unified front against COW, but it could easily insert itself into my work life, if even just by being more present, without doing anything that could be formally seen as harassment.

I understand that as a WS it is my duty to make my BS feel safe, I just feel like this is not a good idea at this point. Thanks for listening, as always.

lieshurt posted 9/9/2013 14:17 PM

It isn't a good idea. Your OW isn't contacting you and this would just open the door for her to do so. I also agree that the OW could say you are harassing her and this could cause issues at work.

redrock posted 9/9/2013 14:17 PM

I find it uncomfortable that you refer to OW as 'it'. Do you do that to make your wife feel better?

As a BS, I have never understood why is it necessary to villify one participant and not the other.

There is no getting back the fact that you chose the A with the OW. I have been on the site for awhile and have seen many such letters where the WS becomes the voice piece for everything the BS wants the OW to hear.

What you describe IMO is not a NC letter.

I have mountains of empathy for what your BS has been through. But she is not going to get vindication with a letter.

The goal is indifference.

The questions that you can address are-

Why does your BS want you to say those things to the OW? How did you end the A?
How would you do it differently now?

How does your wife feel about your working in the same place of business and is it a ongoing problem for her?

TheClimb posted 9/9/2013 14:18 PM

BS here, I didn't find SI until eight months after DD1 and five months after DD2 so a no contact letter was never written. There was no further contact after DD2 and within six months Jennifer the Princess Whore was living with a new man. She no longer had a reason to contact my husband.

I understand how hard it must be for your wife to see you leave for work everyday, even if you have switched groups. As to another no contact letter, I would say if she hasn't contacted you then you should let that "dog" lie.

Please tell that darling wife of yours that "it" will never believe this to be the truth. The truth messes up her perfectly good fairy tale. She knows that you two are still together; even a dumb bitch like herself will eventually have to acknowledge that you do in fact love your wife and that is why you stayed with her.

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 14:25 PM


I have to agree with the others on this one but I reserve the right to say on top of "not now"....IF she does contact you again you need to SLAM that DOOR SHUT.....maybe explain to your BS your feelings on that it has been great that the OW hasn't contacted you again and that you are worried the re shout out, even though it is a NC letter, would out him squarely back into her mind. Tell her that you agree a NC would be helpful and you are willing to do this with your BS's help if she does contact you again.


[This message edited by TxsT at 2:26 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

Trying33 posted 9/9/2013 14:32 PM

I'm replying as an OW here. If my AP contacted me right now out of the blue, months later, it wouldn't be unnatural for me to think that he's trying to open a door again. Otherwise why would he contact me after all this time? I haven't contacted him and vice versa, if there was no need to speak and everyone knows where they stand why contact me again?

I would find it fishy and on some level would wonder why are they still talking about me.

Don't write the letter. Try to explain to your BW that this will make things worse and that it will only give the OW some satisfaction. Your BW sounds like she needs the OW to know you're with her because you CHOSE her and not the OW. She's feeling like crap and wants you to prove you don't care about the OW.

And this...

I find it uncomfortable that you refer to OW as 'it'. Do you do that to make your wife feel better?

SisterMilkshake posted 9/9/2013 14:42 PM

Have to go with the majority here, Time, and agree with you that since there has been NC that a NC letter at this time might just cause some new drama.

I understand how your BW feels, though. I really wanted a NC letter sent to OW, too. But, like TheClimb we didn't find SI until 8 months out and that was the first we had heard of a NC letter. OW hadn't contacted us since d-day at that point, so like you, we

let sleeping dogs lie.

However, OW started back up with the fishing pretty soon after that. We finally sent a NC letter almost 2 years after d-day. So far so good, unless the hang up calls from the "Unknown" number is OW still at it. Yes, I did get vindication in the letter. It felt good for FWH to tell OW that he was disgusted at what he did and even moreso that he did it with OW.

I, for one, appreciate the pronoun "it" and the way you use it.

TimeToManUp posted 9/9/2013 14:43 PM

Redrock- I refer to OW as "it" because that is what my BW wishes OW to be referred to as. I am not trying to deflect any judgement from myself... It takes two to tango, and I am not delusional about my role in the A.

As far as my BW being comfortable with me still working in the same place... No, she is not. Nor am I. But the decision we have made together, as a couple and as a family, is that this is the best option... For NOW. It makes things more difficult in some regards, and easier in others. It was mutual, not unilateral. As our situation changes, we will revisit the issue and make changes as we see fit.

I wish that I had ended the A with a curse laden diatribe about what an asshole I am and how I helped OW complete its infidelity trifecta and cripple my BW physically and emotionally, but it was the usual foggy wayward bullshit. The final NC request was short and to the point, as I stated above.

redrock posted 9/9/2013 15:08 PM

it was the usual foggy wayward bullshit. The final NC request was short and to the point, as I stated above.

Perhaps as much as tattoo wants the OW to hear it, she would like you to say it... somewhere.
Say it here or to her in written form.

Do you guys have plans in place on if there is contact?

sailorgirl posted 9/9/2013 19:05 PM

Could you write the letter and keep it in case OW breaks NC?

As a BS, I empathize with your wife. On d-day, my fWH had already gone NC with OW. We decided not to send an official NC so as not to poke the beast. But, a month later, OW started a presidential level hoovering campaign, so my husband sent an NC letter that we wrote together.

I'm not a very evolved human being yet, so I still imagine OW reading that letter at least once a week. When I pass the locations of the A or trigger, I'll even recite the letter like a mantra. It is a balm for my soul to know that OW saw the truth through her AP's eyes, however briefly.

Indifference is a worthy goal, but I am not a Buddhist monk and I'm not there yet. I have to say that the NC letter was a big factor in moving me past major fury and hurt. It grounds me to know that OW read these words:


Our relationship was wrong, unhealthy and deeply damaging to sailorgirl and to my children. It cost me my integrity and I regret it completely.

I have told sailorgirl everything--there are no more secrets. I am grateful that I havenít lost the most meaningful thing in my life, and Iím fully committed to healing the damage I caused to our family.

I am ending all communication with you. Talking to you, working with you, or interacting with you in any way would only cause pain to me and to the people I love. Please respect my wish that you never contact me again.


She was a weeping, wailing, threatening hot-mess when she got it. WH blocked her everywhere and refused to speak to her during her brief stalking attempts. Maybe it's unkind or immature of me to feel satisfaction over that, but I absolutely do.

I am sure the above letter would be considered one of the

many such letters where the WS becomes the voice piece for everything the BS wants the OW to hear.
As long as the letter is true for the WS, I don't see the problem with that (unless firm NC is already in place . . . but even then, the BS's feelings/needs should outweigh a lot.)

If I were your BS, I might wonder why you are afraid of OW contacting you. Is she a bunny boiler? Wouldn't you just give her absolute crickets?

Aubrie posted 9/9/2013 19:19 PM

Speaking as someone's AP, if I got a NC letter after that amount of time, I would totally see it as a fishing attempt. If there is NC, whether there's an official letter or not, leave that thing alone. Don't tempt her.

Maybe you can write a letter together and hang onto it for if/when (heaven forbid) OW comes to call? Maybe you can write it out just so TCD can read it. Then you can shred it and burn it together?

TimeToManUp posted 9/9/2013 22:08 PM

Thank you all so very much for your replies (and yes, I would be saying that even if you said I was off my rocker).

I fear that this situation is just going to go unresolved. TCD says she doesn't feel safe waiting for it to try and make contact before reinforcing NC. I told her that if she truly felt that it would make her feel safer that we could send a letter, but that I didn't feel like it was a good idea, and actually caused me anxiety thinking about it trying to retaliate or somehow reinsert itself into our lives. TCD said that since I felt so strongly that it was a bad idea that she didn't want to do it... So now we're left in this shitty impasse.

musiclovingmom posted 9/10/2013 09:22 AM

We did recently have broken NC by OW1 who was never given an NC letter. It had been almost two years since we heard from her. My H quickly blocked her. Then, he wrote an NC letter (he did not want to because he didn't want to invite her drama back into our lives at all). Then, he gave it to me and I had the choice to send it or not. I didn't, but there was some peace just in having him write it. Seeing in black and white, with simple clear words that he never wanted to hear from her again and was working on our marriage was comforting. Maybe write one and let TCD decide what to do with it.

lieshurt posted 9/10/2013 09:35 AM

TCD says she doesn't feel safe waiting for it to try and make contact before reinforcing NC.

The best way to reinforce NC is for you to be NC. You could send 100 NC letters and it won't matter to the OW. If she wants to contact you, she will.

FightingBack posted 9/10/2013 12:52 PM

I am glad you posted this Time.

As a BS I also want my WH to write a letter to MOW. Not so much a NC letter, but one that will dispel any lingering thoughts she has that the A was due to a "deep love that they had for one another" and that the only reason they are not still together is that they were found out and my H is "doing the honourable thing" for his family.

I personally hates that she thinks this, but after reading your post, and the replies above, it has changed my perspective. Not only do I agree with the other posters that such a letter would be inviting a response, I have changed my mind in wanting my own H to write a letter.

Must also say though, that I would love it if he wrote it and just not send it. Unless contact does occur.

bionicgal posted 9/10/2013 13:22 PM

Personally, I would love my H to take out a full page ad in the local paper, decrying his "love" for her, and letting her know all the wonderful things he tells me now, day after day.

She truly did get the worst, most broken part of him. Too bad it seemed like a prize at the time.

AML04 posted 9/10/2013 14:18 PM

This post also made me change my mind about a NC letter being sent now. The fact that I want her to know that he thinks of her as the worst mistake of his life isn't enough reason to break NC. It would only invite her back into our life and I don't think she'd believe it any way. It only matters that I believe it and I think I'm getting there.

Thank you all for the great advice.

TimeToManUp posted 9/10/2013 15:07 PM

Thank you all again for your input. In all honesty, I used to feel uncomfortable with my BW being on SI, at least as frequently as she was because I felt like it was keeping her trapped in her post DDay emotions. I have since come to appreciate the advice and support that is available here and I believe it has been a major part of us (slowly, cautiously) turning things around.

TimeToManUp posted 9/10/2013 22:51 PM

Really, we just cannot come to an armistice on this subject. I wrote the letter she wished. I also wrote an additional goofy letter that just ripped COW apart to make TCD laugh. I don't feel she will ever be OK with this being done merely as an exercise, or even to have it in our back pocket in the event COW tries to make contact. TCD believes we are just prey waiting for it to come around and pounce, that we are at a disadvantage. She feels sending a letter firmly stating that the A was all a disgusting string of shitty choices and that I am with my family not out of moral obligation, but because I WANT to be (I believe someone already assessed this to be TCD's true motivation earlier). That this information puts us at an advantage if it comes knocking. I am trying so hard to do what TCD needs to heal and feel safe, this just seems like such a risk to me... I'm at a loss. The letter is written, it is in her court what she wishes to do with it.

Kelany posted 9/11/2013 06:33 AM

I think that you did what you needed to do. Ultimately you gave the power back to TCD with the letter. She may send it, she may not. In her eyes, you let her know that what it came down to was HER needs and you MET them. Bravo. I've followed your story the entire time I've been on SI and watched you literally transform and I have to say I never ever thought a few months ago you would put her needs first and seeing you do so makes me see that you truly get it now.

I do feel that a letter this far out may not be the best idea, but I GET TCD's need for this. I truly do. She's in so much pain right now. Maybe suggest that she wait until the hard dates pass and then reassess. I mean what's another month or so you know? And if she still feels strongly, then send it.

I asked my husband last February to do a similar letter to all of his AP's (4 of them). His affairs had LONG LONG been over (though I only newly learned of two of them 7 months prior at that point). He said he would. Not because I felt he was going to become involved with the women again, not because they women were contacting him. I needed the letters for *ME*. I didn't know if I was going to send them or not, HE didn't know if I was or not, but he did it for me. I didn't send them, I kept them for ME. I just wanted him to write them as if I was going to send them so I could see him acknowledge to THEM the mistakes he'd made. Does that make sense?

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