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Shouldn't it be getting better, not worse?

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SmallButStrong posted 9/9/2013 14:04 PM

I'm a few weeks from our 1-year D-Day anniversary. I'm angry, depressed, and can't stop thinking of the affair. It's in the forefront of my mind 24/7.

I look back at the past year and don't understand how we went on vacations, events and made such great happy memories because we were in a good place. Although I was closer to disclosure back then, I seemed to have had a better attitude and was moving forward and falling back in love with my H.

Today I'm acting like it was just weeks ago, and I can't even think of muttering the words, "I love you". Nothing has changed that much to make me feel this way. H is still remorseful and trying to help me heal. So why am I getting worse, not better?

I feel like there is something wrong with me!

kansas1968 posted 9/9/2013 14:10 PM

There is not a thing wrong with you. One year antiversaries are tough. I thought, surely in a year, this will mostly be behind me. The pain, the anger, the sorrow, the rage...but it isn't and it is so depressing that it isn't. The general wisdom on this site is that it takes three to five years to really feel better and I believe it.
We are coming up to our third antiversary and it is FINALLY much, much, better.

As long as your FWS is doing all that he can, you are talking, working together, then it will get better. Don't be afraid to tell him you are having a bad time and try and explain why.
Hopefully you have been reading the healing library articles and have some good books to help you get through some of the rough times. Hugs. Hang in there. It DOES get better.

SpiderGrl posted 9/9/2013 14:13 PM

This whole process is one giant hilly, poop filled terrain. One minute it's all green grass and clover and the next you step in a giant pile of poo. I'm only 2 months out from wh's EA dday and I can see this is going to be full of nasty surprises. Coming up on the dday this year and maybe every year will be a struggle. I already consider summer ruined for a long, long time. It taints all kinds of things. Including Mother's Day, etc, etc just because I knew he was giving her MY attention and I was stick with the crappy leftovers. It will get better! There will be storms but you can totally do this because you know you aren't alone! And when you forget come and read all the encouragement here!

SmallButStrong posted 9/9/2013 15:04 PM

Thank you both! I read a ton of books in the beginning and this summer I put them all away because I thought I was done with all "the help". How foolish I was! Now I'm buying books again!!

More than anything I just wonder how I can feel worse now than I did even in the first six months. Why was it easier then?

At what point are you hanging on to the anger because it feels safe?

[This message edited by SmallButStrong at 3:06 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

JalenB521 posted 9/9/2013 16:22 PM

Perhaps you feel worse now than you did in the early months because of expectations. Maybe things were on the right track for R and moving at a good pace back then; maybe you're expecting that things should continually get better as more time passes? I'm only 3 months out but these are the issues that I'm dealing with. Progress was great early on and now I'm frustrated because things are now stagnant.

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