I was cleaning/purging items from my closet. I found all the old bday, anniversary, mother day cards from STBXH. Tossed in trash. I did cry.
I also found the "box" these are of pre marriage items during our dating time (5 years). I had my journal in there. Even before I had looked at this stuff I remembered we broke up once because he didn't want to "lead me on" He was not going to get serious and he felt he should tell me. At that time I was like ok, no problem. I had forgotten that he did it again about 1 year later. That time I was very upset. I completely did the 180(didn't know it at the time) and tried to move on. Now know that I was a divorced woman with 3 kids, owned my own home and had a great job with $ and travel. And he was younger.
Anyway the 2nd time we broke up I went to my therapist. I will never forget one of her comments. He wants the instant family without the work. He finally begged is way back in after a few months. Everything was fine, we ended up living together and then marrying.
Several things scream out to me. 1) I wished I had understood red flags, and that perhaps he couldn't commit and didn't know how to deal with issues. 2) The things I wrote in my journal are the same things I am saying now. I want a partner that can take the good and the bad. Not just the good 3)When I met him he owned/had nothing, made minimum wage as an office clerk. He worked really hard to move into a job that paid $ to support us also. I saw some issues with his self esteem even then.
I never forced him into the relationship when we were dating or when we got married. I was like ok, moving on. Did he force himself because he wanted the perfect family (I have since learned his family life was anything but perfect, lots of FOO issues)
I look at my thoughts, and I wonder if he ever loved me? Or just wanted the instant family.
Good thing I have counseling this week. I need to really think about what I have seen in my past journal.
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen