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Separated for 1 month and I am destroyed

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IslandGirl18 posted 9/9/2013 14:07 PM

I left him on August 12. He said he felt no romantic love for me and couldn't touch me. After everything...that was it. We met 5 days later and he said the stress of my overcoming his affair and the stress from my cancer was too much for him. He couldn't take the roller coaster anymore. He needed time.

I went to the house the 30th and found that he had been actively using his viagra the whole time we were apart. My suspicions that our R was false were confirmed. All this time....during our reconciliation, my cancer, my radiation, all the promises....I am so sick over this. The lies.

And I keep hoping that it's not real. That I will wake up and the man I married will be there with that smile of his that I loved.

I hired movers and took my things from the house and put them in storage. I am sleeping at my friend's house.

He won't talk to me. He sent me an email telling me he didn't know what to say or where to start and that he was sorry for his infidelity,sorry he broke my heart more than once, sorry he was/is so terrible, sorry it's so hard for him to talk. He said he does love me and care about me.

I responded that his silence, actions and other words speak louder. I wrote that he was disgusting and I know he never ended his relationship with her.

He said he was going to have the house appraised and get it ready to possibly sell. I feel like this was his plan all along.

I feel like this betrayal just never ends.

And then I wonder what is wrong with me that I really want to be married and I want this to work?

But he is a terrible person. I just wish I can stop crying.

It makes me sick that I am sleeping at my friend's house and he is meeting her.

It makes me sick that I would forgive this....I need to get past this and just focus on me. I need to forget him.

I don't have that anxiety anymore. The one I always felt with him - that "wondering" feeling if he's telling the truth. I am so incredibly sad though. This is like nothing I have ever experienced.

I pray I feel better soon. I pray I can laugh again. My family and friends say I am wasting away. I wish things were different.

I think about the person he really is. Someone who could do this to his wife, then the lies, the depth of the destruction to a human being, then not talk to me. He has completely disregarded me.

I know I can never be with him again. I have to come to terms with it.

How can a person be so cruel?

DeadMumWalking posted 9/9/2013 14:42 PM


I'm so sorry, sending you lots of strength and healing thoughts.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Breathe, drink water, eat something healthy even if it's just a snack. Try to walk outside a little bit.

And don't be afraid to cry it out. This shit is HARD.


StillLivin posted 9/9/2013 14:55 PM

Oh IslandGirl, my heart breaks for you.
We have ALL walked in your shoes.
It DOES get better, but sorry, it takes a while.
Right now, cry, cray as often as you need to. Let the waves of hurt leave you with each tear.
As soon as you can stand on your feet, get moving. Do something, anything, get out. Go bikeriding, hiking, kickboxing, whatever.
The physical activity will help.
Please read everything you can in The Healing Library. There are so many books.
And most of all, remember, he is the one with the problem, he is broken somewhere. A broken heart will mend.
Good luck.

suckstobeme posted 9/9/2013 16:06 PM

It takes a long while for your heart to catch up with your head. That's all.

Your mind knows and is just realizing the depth of his cruelty and deception. That part of you is right to want nothing to do with a person like that.

Your heart is a different story. Your heart doesn't yet realize who he is and right now just wants to remember him as the man you married. Your heart will get it as you process all of this. A month unfortunately isn't a long time even though I know it probably already feels like an eternity to you.

You will get through it. You will see that you are worthy of real love and that he couldn't give it.

As far as how a person can be so cruel, I wish I had that answer. I wish I knew why people choose to hurt and betray others who only want their love and support. I wish I knew why they are unable to talk first instead of making that the last step in the process. I wish I knew why they feel the need to toss us away like garbage.

My only answer is that there is something very, very wrong with them. Normal people don't go around destroying their families. Normal people don't lie, cheat, steal, and take full advantage of their spouse's love and faith. It's mind boggling and unfortunately there is no one universal answer.

While I can't tell you the exact what, I can sure tell you what it's not - it's not you. It has nothing to do with you. Believe that.

Skan posted 9/9/2013 18:35 PM

Before he lists the house, please make sure that you have seen and retained a lawyer so that you know what your rights are. You know that your WH doesn't care less about being fair to you protect yourself. (((hugs)))

hardtimesinlife posted 9/9/2013 20:49 PM

My heart is breaking for you. I do believe you are and will be much better off without that negativity in your life but I'm sad that you have to experience this loss. Time and love from family, friends, SI...that will help you move forward. I know it's tempting to check up on his activities (viagra count, etc.) but it only makes this process take longer. If you can do it, make yourself look away from him and what you 'don't' have and focus in another direction. I know it's hard to do but trust me, you will move forward so much faster. I'll be thinking of you.

SurelyNOT posted 9/13/2013 22:10 PM

Separated for 1 month too, he has moved in with OW, I am an emotional mess. Your story is heart-breaking, hope you find some comfort in this forum, I know I do (however fleeting)!!
Best wishes to you for the future

Iamacrab posted 9/13/2013 22:55 PM

Islandgirl...My WH is saying literally the same exact things right now, please know you're not alone.

He won't talk to me. He sent me an email telling me he didn't know what to say or where to start and that he was sorry for his infidelity,sorry he broke my heart more than once, sorry he was/is so terrible, sorry it's so hard for him to talk. He said he does love me and care about me.

Aside from my WH sending a text instead of an email, mine literally is using those exact words/phrases, said every one in the last few days.

I was in what I thought was R, or him proving he changed to me at least, for 7 months.

Now he doesn't think he can feel "that extra love" for me like he finally realized existed partially bc of her, and if he could, he would have felt it already for me. Same stuff he said for 6 months until he finally ended it w her prior to false R, therefore, I think like your WH, someone is in the picture, but I don't know and am not bothering to find out.

To me it's so sad, because we just know out marriages are special, and then they say exactly the same things, and it feels so wrong, like even the excuses should be unique at least. Yet despite the obvious cruelty we love them, because of who they were to us prior to this, and who they possibly could be if they worked at it and that just makes us people capable of love and forgiveness. There is definitely nothing wrong with being that, there is nothing wrong with you. As much as it doesn't feel like it, it is all about them, not us.

Sending you thoughts of peace, I hope you are getting rest and being kind to yourself and your needs right now, those are what must be focused on, as much as you can.

Raven96 posted 9/14/2013 09:54 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep thinking about the anxiety you don't feel anymore and the wondering you're not doing anymore. The rest of your feelings will catch up, and in the end I think you will realize how lucky you are.

Keep your family and friends close, and go no contact with him except through your lawyer. Make sure you get a copy of that appraisal, because you are entitled to $ from the sale of the house. If he decides to stay in the house, an appraisal is still needed because he needs to buy you out. He does not get out of this free and clear!!

Sending hugs your way! I am so sorry.

IslandGirl18 posted 9/15/2013 11:33 AM

As hard as it is to be on SI, it is a blessing to me. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

Amber13 posted 9/15/2013 15:40 PM

I hope things get better for you. Your nightmare will be over soon. You have truth now.

Titanium posted 9/15/2013 17:29 PM

((((Island girl)))))

My story is the same as yours but all i got was "i apologise for that". No remorse. No total recognition of what he had done to me and the hell ride he had put me through. 10 months false r, broken nc twice, discovery of ow phone number, calling me filthy names then telling me how much he loved me and wanted it to work.

Silent treatment then couldnt fo enough for mind fuck.

I told him to leave 3 months ago. All he could say and still maintains is that he did nothing wrong! WTF????

He looked her up 1 week after i left him. They are hanging out together so that just shows me how much of an idiot she is too.

It hurt like hell. I tried so hard to make my marriage work and after spending 24 years of my life with this man he just disgarded me like trash. I sent him so many angry text messages after they started flaunting pics on FB which my son saw. I then decided to go full NC.

Our house sold recently and me and my son moved before settlement which WH is unaware of.

It was the best thing i did. New energy in my new little home which i rent and i told all my friends that i do not want to know about his activities. I maintain zero contact and i have felt a real shift. Yes i am hurt and angry BUT i am relieved. No more checking phone bills, computer etc.

I am in ic which helps and my life is my life. I can do as i please and each day does get better. I am detaching and letting go of the parasite that i now know does not deserve me and probably never has.

I have a wonderful sister who went through a similar thing and she says to me that he has done me a favour. I am starting to see that slowly. I know that my heart will heal as will yours and i have stopped myself from trying to understand why he would be so so cruel to me.

This much i is him not me.....he has serious issues and probably always has, they just get worse as time rolls on, its her problem now not mine and i am FREE!

Remind yourself when u are having a shit day, of all the dirty rotten, despicable things he did to you, dont focus on what you had hoped for, these things will help you see that this deluded fucktard is not a healthy person you want in your life.

You have total control of YOU.....fuck him......

Life does get better. Each day you will heal a bit more and when you get 3 months down the track you will see what i mean. I can only imagine what 6 months and the rest will feel like because i am testament to you that its a millions time better than living a life with a selfish parasite.

Eat good foods even if its only small amounts, socialise with friends and only talk about your shit when you feel like it.

You may not see now but clarity will come soon. Go see a lawyer to protect you.

Stay strong you are worth it and he is BROKEN.


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