Our MC told me that I should still feel OK about asking the questions, but maybe to write them down or put them into an email instead of just blurt them out as they come. Then I can send/give them to him and he can address them at a better time.
If they come up at night for you, could you write them down and then read them to him the next day when you have time to discuss? Or better yet, hand him your list of questions before he goes to work so he can review them during the day before coming home to you?
I found that as I did this, some of the questions wouldn't even be important to me the next day and I wouldn't even ask them. It saved us several arguments, I'm sure!
You shouldn't feel guilty for asking questions, though.
If making a list and asking them at when it us convenient for both of you works for you, then it sound like a good idea.
The questions will slow over time when it all starts making sense to you. It is all part of processing what happened. You should not feel any guilt for having to process his actions.
That's because I imagine long discussions = necessary communication, so it sounds to me like your questions are right on.
You don't actually expect your H to feel good about answering, do you?
Is there something you could do to ask the Qs earlier in the evening or in the AM?
Don't feel guilty. For what it is worth, this is how I processed through a lot of this.....stuff.
1 year out for me tomorrow.....my questions have greatly reduced in number, our nightly conversations greatly reduced in duration regarding the A.
The suggestion to define your time for asking questions....a start and stop time...was something we initiated to help control some conversation creep...had a bad time of starting on one line of thought and moving through MANY. Soon I would not even know what I was searching for.
Be patient with yourself.
Peace be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:20 PM, September 9th (Monday)]
Like others I was a late night questioner ... I think it was because that was the time I had just too much time to think?
Sometimes setting aside certain times and days for "affair talk" is a really good idea. You both have time to think about it, you can plan your questions, he can talk, you can listen...
Hopefully that works. I really do get that late night "hey.. did you/she..??"
I've also thought about keeping a journal together where I can write down my q's and he can answer and write down any q's he has for me.
Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.
Thankfully now I don't need to ask so many questions and I do so over dinner or early evening now when we are both more relaxed. For the bigger tougher issues we set time aside so we both feel we can devote the attention these sorts of issues need. Slowly we are learning to appreciate the value of respecting each other and making the most of our communication together
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
We often end up talking about tough stuff right at bedtime and I think that's because that's when I'm starting to process the day, release other stresses, and really reconnect with him.
I have also found that I had lots and lots of questions in the first couple of months, then felt I had heard all I needed to, but in the past week it has really picked up again. I was surprised about that, but I think what happened was I kind of finished processing the first big whopping bunch of new information and now I'm ready for other stuff. Things that I know others on SI have talked about asking that I didn't consider (or couldn't yet handle) back in the beginning but now I want to know (like, ring off or on during sex with OW? Sex with both of us on the same day?)
I also feel guilty because he is doing such good work and it doesn't seem quite "fair" to go back to things that are now over and in the past. But I also know that I have every right to ask and that it is not entirely in the past for me - still new information. It's part of my present even if the As are over. My fWS agrees and fully supports my questions and tries to answer as completely as possible. He also acknowledges that he would rather minimize and would rather not have to think about it all too closely, because he is now out of the fog and feels so bad about his choices back then. But still he dives in and we get through it together.
I also realize that I will never know it all and it will always be something I'm a little left out of. Eventually I will have to let that be and think of the much longer arc of our relationship both before and since the As. What will matter is the two of us and not him and her, not him and her without me, or any other pairing besides the two of us.
[This message edited by rachelc at 10:18 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj