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starmoonchild posted 9/9/2013 16:13 PM

Quite often, usually at night after we go to bed, I think of all kinds of questions to ask my FWS about the A. I have been asking these for the last 6 months or more, but I always come up with one I haven't thought of, and it always leads to long discussions. These questions quite often make him upset and then he doesn't sleep well, sometimes hardly at all, and he has a high pressure job. The next day I feel so guilty for doing it, but can't seem to stop. Should I feel guilty?

introspect posted 9/9/2013 16:19 PM

Maybe it would be easier to set a time each week to discuss your questions? You're not wrong to ask them at all, but the late night no sleep aspect can be really tough. Having a designated checkin time has been really valuable for our R -- we just have a time each week to talk, see how we're feeling, and it's a place where we were both prepared to discuss lingering questions.

SmallButStrong posted 9/9/2013 16:23 PM

I did this for a long time, although I would text my WH the questions at work as they popped into my head. He has a high-pressure job that involves being "on the floor" and dealing with clients all day, so for him to get these texts with random questions like, "Did she use our bathroom when she was at our house?" was not received well by him.

Our MC told me that I should still feel OK about asking the questions, but maybe to write them down or put them into an email instead of just blurt them out as they come. Then I can send/give them to him and he can address them at a better time.

If they come up at night for you, could you write them down and then read them to him the next day when you have time to discuss? Or better yet, hand him your list of questions before he goes to work so he can review them during the day before coming home to you?

I found that as I did this, some of the questions wouldn't even be important to me the next day and I wouldn't even ask them. It saved us several arguments, I'm sure!

You shouldn't feel guilty for asking questions, though.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/9/2013 16:29 PM

I am all for asking anywhere and any time a question comes up. I was not going to be the only one tortured with racing thoughts.

If making a list and asking them at when it us convenient for both of you works for you, then it sound like a good idea.

The questions will slow over time when it all starts making sense to you. It is all part of processing what happened. You should not feel any guilt for having to process his actions.

sisoon posted 9/9/2013 16:49 PM

No.

That's because I imagine long discussions = necessary communication, so it sounds to me like your questions are right on.

You don't actually expect your H to feel good about answering, do you?

Is there something you could do to ask the Qs earlier in the evening or in the AM?

Daisy312 posted 9/9/2013 21:09 PM

I did this too nd after awhile you run out of questions. I often felt like I had to ask and I wanted his first reaction or answer. I didn't want him to have a ll day to think about the answer, wanted the raw answers. IMHO you need to do what you feel you need to do in order to heal. If he doesn't like it then that proves how committed he is to fixing the two of you.

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 21:18 PM

Nighttime, bedtime....yep, that was my time to ask questions.

Don't feel guilty. For what it is worth, this is how I processed through a lot of this.....stuff.

1 year out for me tomorrow.....my questions have greatly reduced in number, our nightly conversations greatly reduced in duration regarding the A.

The suggestion to define your time for asking questions....a start and stop time...was something we initiated to help control some conversation creep...had a bad time of starting on one line of thought and moving through MANY. Soon I would not even know what I was searching for.
Be patient with yourself.

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:20 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

Lucky posted 9/9/2013 21:21 PM

Like others I was a late night questioner ... I think it was because that was the time I had just too much time to think?

Sometimes setting aside certain times and days for "affair talk" is a really good idea. You both have time to think about it, you can plan your questions, he can talk, you can listen...

Hopefully that works. I really do get that late night "hey.. did you/she..??"

brknwmn posted 9/9/2013 21:26 PM

starmoonchild. I'm in the same boat...I want to ask as many questions as possible & then feel like a jerk bcuz he I don't want to hurt his feelings...(working on not enabling him to feel sorry for himself. He's the one who screwed up) but I'm going to take the advice of setting a time...

I've also thought about keeping a journal together where I can write down my q's and he can answer and write down any q's he has for me.

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 21:29 PM

Hubby didn't mind answering questions at night because he knew I needed to rest my mind before I would sleep at all. For the first 2 months I was lucky to get about 3 hours a night. He wanted to give my ailing heart a break. After a heart attack you need sleep in a big way!!! So he always answered.

Thankfully now I don't need to ask so many questions and I do so over dinner or early evening now when we are both more relaxed. For the bigger tougher issues we set time aside so we both feel we can devote the attention these sorts of issues need. Slowly we are learning to appreciate the value of respecting each other and making the most of our communication together

T

learningtofeel posted 9/10/2013 10:50 AM

I try to keep the questions and difficult thoughts to times when we are together but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. So if I have to email him during the day, I put some sort of alert at the top so that he can choose to read it when he has some mental space on his end - and not in a public place at work.

We often end up talking about tough stuff right at bedtime and I think that's because that's when I'm starting to process the day, release other stresses, and really reconnect with him.

I have also found that I had lots and lots of questions in the first couple of months, then felt I had heard all I needed to, but in the past week it has really picked up again. I was surprised about that, but I think what happened was I kind of finished processing the first big whopping bunch of new information and now I'm ready for other stuff. Things that I know others on SI have talked about asking that I didn't consider (or couldn't yet handle) back in the beginning but now I want to know (like, ring off or on during sex with OW? Sex with both of us on the same day?)

I also feel guilty because he is doing such good work and it doesn't seem quite "fair" to go back to things that are now over and in the past. But I also know that I have every right to ask and that it is not entirely in the past for me - still new information. It's part of my present even if the As are over. My fWS agrees and fully supports my questions and tries to answer as completely as possible. He also acknowledges that he would rather minimize and would rather not have to think about it all too closely, because he is now out of the fog and feels so bad about his choices back then. But still he dives in and we get through it together.

I also realize that I will never know it all and it will always be something I'm a little left out of. Eventually I will have to let that be and think of the much longer arc of our relationship both before and since the As. What will matter is the two of us and not him and her, not him and her without me, or any other pairing besides the two of us.

starmoonchild posted 9/10/2013 22:00 PM

Thanks so much, everyone, and you're all right...I shouldn't ask him late at night, but it's true, I do think of questions then because my day is done and I'm more able to really think. He does answer me, but I can tell that he's tired and that I will once again disrupt his sleep. I will try to write down questions from now on.

rachelc posted 9/10/2013 22:16 PM

You know I'm a fWW, I would expect questions any time. Nothing is more important than helping my BS heal - my sleep, mt job- nothing. I just don't get this.
I didn't wait til an appropriate time to engage with my AP, when i was in an affair, why should I put any ANY perimeters on what my BS needs for healing...
Good grief. Off soapbox now....

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:18 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Painfuljourney posted 9/11/2013 08:28 AM

No you aren't wrong. I'm going through the same thing right now. I have decided that once a week I will allow myself to ask as many questions as I want. I write them down during the week, actually have a WORD document where I add them. Then 1 time a week I indulge myself. I decided to do this because it's super draining each time I do this. He gets super upset and cries uncontrollably. It's draining for both of us. I just know he needs to answer my questions and him crying and being upset is probably therapeutic for him as well. But I don't want to do that to him everyday or every 2 days. His job is dangerous if he doesn't get his rest.