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brknwmn posted 9/9/2013 18:39 PM

I'm making myself sick. I had 2 panic attacks today. Yesterday I had a sit down with my husband and told him that I love him and want to work things out but I have fallen out of love with him. He's been shut down since that conversation feeling sorry for himself (instead of stepping it up like I asked him too). Needless to say things are awkward only compounded by the fact that we work with the same company & are both directors there. Ugh...

I woke up fine. He slept in the spare bedroom but when I saw him this morning I could feel myself tense up so I went and took a shower. Felt better. Then we got ready for work and once we got in the car I couldn't catch my breath. (We downsized to 1 car in Jan. DDay was March). I dropped him off first before I took baby boy to daycare. I sat in the car for 10 minutes silently crying bcuz I didn't want my son to hear me sobbing and trying to get myself together to walk into the daycare building.

I pulled myself together, went into work where he was already starting his list of things to do...and I put on my happy face.

I was good bcuz I got to leave to go to one of our business partners and teach classes there for 4 hours. As soon as I got back to work I tried to prepare for my last class. I saw him and felt sick immediately. I made it 30 minutes into teaching my last class of the day and then had to call a coworker over so I could run to the bathroom and throw up...they were nice enough to take the rest of the class for me.

I don't know if I am really sick (I work with kids so they bring lots of germs & some flu bug is going around already) or if it's just panic...I feel fine when I'm distracted...but then I think about us and him and can't breath.

This is so not fair to baby boy. I don't care if I'm hurting but he deserves a mom that can function to take care of him...HELP PLEASE

bionicgal posted 9/9/2013 19:19 PM

You are the BS, correct? And your DDay is fairly recent?

This is an aside, but I don't put a lot of credence into the whole "in love/out of love" thing. Those are feelings that can come and go, and often the feeling of not being "in love" is what waywards use to excuse cheating. So, I think you should give that one some time before you declare it as gospel. If you didn't feel out of love at some points with a philanderer, then there'd be something wrong with you.

Panic attacks, if they go on a bit, can be treated fairly quickly with CBT. But, hang in there a bit and see if you are just having a natural reaction to a traumatic situation. They can't hurt you, so just look at them as some kind of brain cramp or something. (I know they are scary. . but they aren't hurtful.)

Hang in there. Are you in MC?

brknwmn posted 9/9/2013 20:25 PM

Yeah i'm the BS.

The most recent DDay was March 2013. He's a SA that has given me an STD twice and lied until I told him I'm not stupid and I wasn't messing around so there's only one explanation.

I feel anger when I look at him. I'm at the point where I feel like it would be easier to just get divorced but I want to give him one last chance...I feel lost, and hurt, and angry, and sick, and a million other things all at once.

We went to one MC session and he lied about the affair being a PA. He told the therapist that it was just text messages (I knew in my gut he was lying) & then I got a call from my doc a week later that I had an STD. He finally decided that he would own up and has done SA meetings.

We can't really afford MC sessions and our insurance doesn't cover it so yeah...that's that. But I know we need them and I'm looking hard for health insurance that will cover counseling. do you know any good ones?

storm77 posted 9/10/2013 11:36 AM

brknwmn,
I am sorry you are here. I am pretty much in a similar position as you. Our insurance does not cover MC. Our pastor is providing MC free of charge. You could look into something similar. I cry in the car alone, bathroom, porch, anywhere I can be alone. I started writing my feeling down just so I could express how I feel somewhere in my life. I also have a great friend who just listens without any judgement. D-Day was a little over a month ago and I still have moments where I can not breath. My regular doctor has been in touch and wanted me to check in just in case I needed something to help with the attacks. So far I do not but I know I can get some help from her if I need it to function. You may want to check in with your regular doctor and do other things to take care of yourself. Go for a walk,see a funny movie, or take a long bath. Just something that takes care of you. Sending you a big hug!

Simple posted 9/10/2013 18:48 PM

I've had these before as well when I was taking drugs for depression because of the A. I stopped taking the drug.

MC/IC is very important. Your church may provide some of that or honestly, may be worth it for you both to save for it. Look at it as an investment to your M. Hopefully you find a good one who is also willing to be paid monthly installments, that type of thing.

Hugs your way.

brknwmn posted 9/10/2013 20:49 PM

I also have a great friend who just listens without any judgement

I have an amazing best friend but I can't bring myself to tell her he messed up again. She knows about the first time and supported me in my decision to work things out. She was my MOH in my wedding and I just know that she would hop on a plane and show up on my door with a shotgun. Things are already awkward when they are around each other and she's my son's godmother so that would just add to the drama & stress.

I will try talking to my SIL (she's married to my WH's brother) and he recently cheated on her as well. They seem to be doing ok but I hate being a burden on people.

I've had a better day today and I read the 180 and feel a lot better. I've made an appointment to get my hair done, mani pedi etc...

And I've also picked up my paint brushes again... I appreciate the support. I really needed it.