I woke up fine. He slept in the spare bedroom but when I saw him this morning I could feel myself tense up so I went and took a shower. Felt better. Then we got ready for work and once we got in the car I couldn't catch my breath. (We downsized to 1 car in Jan. DDay was March). I dropped him off first before I took baby boy to daycare. I sat in the car for 10 minutes silently crying bcuz I didn't want my son to hear me sobbing and trying to get myself together to walk into the daycare building.
I pulled myself together, went into work where he was already starting his list of things to do...and I put on my happy face.
I was good bcuz I got to leave to go to one of our business partners and teach classes there for 4 hours. As soon as I got back to work I tried to prepare for my last class. I saw him and felt sick immediately. I made it 30 minutes into teaching my last class of the day and then had to call a coworker over so I could run to the bathroom and throw up...they were nice enough to take the rest of the class for me.
I don't know if I am really sick (I work with kids so they bring lots of germs & some flu bug is going around already) or if it's just panic...I feel fine when I'm distracted...but then I think about us and him and can't breath.
This is so not fair to baby boy. I don't care if I'm hurting but he deserves a mom that can function to take care of him...HELP PLEASE
Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.
This is an aside, but I don't put a lot of credence into the whole "in love/out of love" thing. Those are feelings that can come and go, and often the feeling of not being "in love" is what waywards use to excuse cheating. So, I think you should give that one some time before you declare it as gospel. If you didn't feel out of love at some points with a philanderer, then there'd be something wrong with you.
Panic attacks, if they go on a bit, can be treated fairly quickly with CBT. But, hang in there a bit and see if you are just having a natural reaction to a traumatic situation. They can't hurt you, so just look at them as some kind of brain cramp or something. (I know they are scary. . but they aren't hurtful.)
Hang in there. Are you in MC?
The most recent DDay was March 2013. He's a SA that has given me an STD twice and lied until I told him I'm not stupid and I wasn't messing around so there's only one explanation.
I feel anger when I look at him. I'm at the point where I feel like it would be easier to just get divorced but I want to give him one last chance...I feel lost, and hurt, and angry, and sick, and a million other things all at once.
We went to one MC session and he lied about the affair being a PA. He told the therapist that it was just text messages (I knew in my gut he was lying) & then I got a call from my doc a week later that I had an STD. He finally decided that he would own up and has done SA meetings.
We can't really afford MC sessions and our insurance doesn't cover it so yeah...that's that. But I know we need them and I'm looking hard for health insurance that will cover counseling. do you know any good ones?
MC/IC is very important. Your church may provide some of that or honestly, may be worth it for you both to save for it. Look at it as an investment to your M. Hopefully you find a good one who is also willing to be paid monthly installments, that type of thing.
Hugs your way.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
I also have a great friend who just listens without any judgement
I have an amazing best friend but I can't bring myself to tell her he messed up again. She knows about the first time and supported me in my decision to work things out. She was my MOH in my wedding and I just know that she would hop on a plane and show up on my door with a shotgun. Things are already awkward when they are around each other and she's my son's godmother so that would just add to the drama & stress.
I will try talking to my SIL (she's married to my WH's brother) and he recently cheated on her as well. They seem to be doing ok but I hate being a burden on people.
I've had a better day today and I read the 180 and feel a lot better. I've made an appointment to get my hair done, mani pedi etc...
And I've also picked up my paint brushes again... I appreciate the support. I really needed it.
