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A man smiled at me today

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Nature_Girl posted 9/9/2013 18:49 PM

Let me preface by sharing that I know I am no where near ready for any relationship with a man of any kind. I know this like I know my own name. Further, I'm not yet divorced and my personal moral code does not permit me to date or even have a coffee with a man until I am divorced.

Having said that, a man smiled at me today at the grocery store. Smiled in "that way". I had my kids with me, so I certainly was not expecting any man to notice me like that. I was shocked, almost horrified, that anyone would notice me. Let alone hold my eyes long enough to smile.

I did smile back, but then immediately turned my back & finished unloading my cart onto the thingy for the checker to scan.

I am so, so, so not ready. I can't even handle a perfectly innocent smile. Makes me want to just order from Schwan's home delivery & never set foot outside again. Am I really this messed up?

Amazonia posted 9/9/2013 18:52 PM

I don't think it's messed up at all. You recognize your own emotional needs (stability, not more change), and have healthy boundaries (not dating while married). Sounds really healthy to me.

Nature_Girl posted 9/9/2013 18:56 PM

Well that's just so sensible. My mind apparently doesn't work that way.

Now I'll go cry in the laundry room for a few minutes to purge...

caregiver9000 posted 9/9/2013 19:10 PM

c'mon NG, you are sensible. Your brain will work that way when it ceases to FREAK out...

I think this is a step on the LONG path to healing. You have taken the step along that path that you are no longer oblivious to those looks. Chances are they have been there before, but you were so shut down that you missed them. Or missed the eye contact that led to this moment.

Sure you freaked out and put the walls up but quick!!! But the positive I see in this tale, is that the walls were down even the teensiest bit and the look occurred in the first place.

Baby steps are still steps.

(((NG)))

You'll bounce back and recover from this and that time table will prove healing too.

Tripletrouble posted 9/9/2013 19:11 PM

You have integrity and you know who you are. Good for you!! When the time is right it will be flattering instead of scary.
I had a guy ask me out and I freaked out. I was horrified, and I made him feel horrified. It was mortifying for all involved. So I totally understand.

cmego posted 9/9/2013 19:16 PM

Well, it wasn't a "perfectly innocent smile", was it? That is what has you flustered.

One day it will hit you that it is OK, and you will smile back without it upsetting you.

I confess, I used to wear a ring on my middle finger, that I would move to my ring finger when I was out...especially if I could feel a guy looking at me. Just a way to keep men at bay until I was ready.

Griefstricken25 posted 9/10/2013 00:16 AM

It's just where you're at. I think, when a person is truly not ready to date, these kinds of "warnings" will remind us of that. People who date prematurely probably just ignore those signals, and you are self-aware enough to recognize them.
There is nothing wrong with you.

I'd happily take a smile these days. But a couple years ago, a man did smile at me and kept eye contact for longer than second, and my immediate thought was, "Do you have a girlfriend or wife and do THEY know that you're leering at women at the store? Do they, idiot?!"

Clearly, I had a lot more healing to do. But like I said, my mind was giving me pretty clear warnings that I was NOT ready to date or even think about dating.

Nature_Girl posted 9/10/2013 01:06 AM

I'd happily take a smile these days. But a couple years ago, a man did smile at me and kept eye contact for longer than second, and my immediate thought was, "Do you have a girlfriend or wife and do THEY know that you're leering at women at the store? Do they, idiot?!"

Kajem posted 9/10/2013 04:09 AM

N_G.

Sounds like it felt nice to be noticed and acknowledged.

And it's ok to be freaked out. It's a new experience that's happened.

One more step on YOUR path to healing!

Keep smiling!
Hugs,
K

nowiknow23 posted 9/10/2013 07:44 AM

Aw, NG. There's nothing wrong with you! Normal reaction given where you are right now.

Shortly before my D was final, a guy tried to flirt with me. Took me a while to figure out what he was doing, but once I did I freaked. out.

Panicked. Even posted here about it in a tizzy because GAH! What was I supposed to do with that?

You are not messed up - you are recovering. Healing. And not ready for that kind of interaction yet. And that's ok.

Newlease posted 9/10/2013 08:42 AM

I couldn't even figure out how to flirt after my D was final! I had my married shield up for 24 years and I couldn't figure out how to lower it.

It just takes time.

NL

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