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bionicgal posted 9/9/2013 18:52 PM

Through a weird twist of fate, H is traveling this week and on the same exact trip geographically that he was when his initial inappropriate contact with MOW/family friend started. Same flights, mainly same hotels. It is also, exactly, 3 months since DDay, and 5 months since he sent that first email. (Which was innocuous on the surface, but was the beginning of the end.)

Anyway, he just read the book "Sexual Detours," which is a fascinating read, and centers a lot of the "why" behind affairs. My usually rational husband, who never believed that his massively dysfunctional childhood had any effect on him, is using the opportunity of this coincidence to "plumb the depths" a little of his psyche. The book invites you to tell "your story" in the hopes of finding some of the motivations for the affair. He is very intent on doing this on the trip if he can, and really wants to answer the question of "why" for me. (Which is a big change - he only wanted to pin it on marriage stuff before.)

But, I am concerned. His enthusiasm for this is touching, but I worry with the sleep deprivation, and the jet lag, and the just overall rawness of the situation, that he is overestimating his ability to cope. I don't think he'll relapse, but I am feeling so uneasy and triggery. It has been a bad day. If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have told you my H was rock solid emotionally/psychologically. Now I think we both feel way more vulnerable.

Not sure what I am looking for here -- just some support. Communication with him is difficult as we are many time zones apart, and he'll be flying for many hours. Thanks.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:57 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

learningtofeel posted 9/9/2013 19:38 PM


I wish I had words of wisdom, but I would probably be feeling just like you if my H were traveling out of easy reach. Hang in there - sounds like you won't know for a while how it will go and you're feeling anxious.

I'm trying to think of what my IC would say - probably something like, "we just don't know yet" about how this will turn out. And that living with confusion is okay.

You have my support. Take care of yourself.

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 20:29 PM

One of the most important things I have learned this year has to do with a persons strength.

I am stronger then I ever thought I could be....and that is comforting but not as surprising as my next sentence.

I am intrigued and surprised by the strength of my wife. While we are not at the level either of us would like to be, I am impressed with her new found ability to look within herself and face some issues there...deep inside her.

My point? While it is kind of you to be concerned about your husbands health, don't sell him short. I am going out on a limb here, but I bet he is stronger then you think he is.

I enjoy the fact that he is going into a similar situation that spawned adultery with a new set of tools and a new focus.

He knows better, so he is doing better.

Having said that...I would also recommend you keep your expectations of him low. If he DOES get tired and falls short of this goal...don't let it rattle you too bad. I think you have witnessed first hand that rarely do any of us get something new right the first time.

Being vulnerable is a GOOD thing.

My wifes affair happened while she thought she was invincible....or at least thought she was in complete and total control.

My own thought pre-A was that she was immune to committing adultery...I would have encouraged her to find a running partner pre-A...male or female.

The DANCE of this is to NOT hurt each other in their vulnerable spots. If either of us do that, intimacy is reduced.

I was vulnerable to my wifes actions regarding her affair. I was NOT guarded around her and I was completely exposed to her...and she choose to use my vulnerability against me. Albeit not fully intentional at first...but it still hurts like a B*^&%!

My goal is to once again show my vulnerable side to my wife....but in a healthy, new way...I do not wish to be guarded around her, and I do not wish her to be guarded around me. To do this we must find new ways to interact that provide the safety and respect needed to create and nurture a true deep intimacy.

We have never accomplished this is new.

I don't have the tools to do that now...not all the tools anyway, but I have a basic set to start the remodel project!

You guys continue to impress me with the speed in which you both are moving down your path!

Gods speed!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:32 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 20:42 PM


I think your H will do very well. He seems like he is driven right now to prove something to both you and him. I think Blake is right....his strength might really surprise you.

Expect nothing and that way everything will be a nice surprise for you


bionicgal posted 9/9/2013 20:53 PM

Oh, I hope so you guys. I need friends tonight, so thank you so much. I have triggered about something he said about the A sex (that I pressed for) and am having a hard time letting it go.

So, your kind words are so appreciated.

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 21:11 PM

....yeah....A sex. was really good for my wife. That is the truth. I see people post on here that their fWS contend sex was just okay or some even say they did it out of pity.

Plus, I too pushed for details,,,and got them. I was a BS that needed them to complete my picture...needed to have them to process in the way I do. I don't regret this action...because my mind is such that I would fill in the blanks regardless...rather have the true facts.

So, I feel your pain on this one. BUT, if I had to have the truth or a lie I will most definitely choose the truth every time. The lies told during and after the affair by my wife to me do far more harm to me then the pleasurable sex they both enjoyed with each other.

But I DO get that the actual act of sex is there it is.

Peace be with you tonight Bionicgal...and with Mr. Bionicgal.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:15 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 21:18 PM


I have been a bit upset but relieved that my H would in no way share the "sex" part with me. He says he just can't go there and I am sure he knows well enough that it would have destroyed me with whatever he said. I had a hard enough time getting beyond the flowers for her birthday when I went with nothing or the picture he hand drew to invite her up to his apartment when we were living in separate countries 2 years ago.....that one almost did kill me!

We are here to raise you up, cheer you on, inspire you and try and make you smile.


bionicgal posted 9/9/2013 21:21 PM

"But I DO get that the actual act of sex is there it is."

Blakesteele, you are a Zen master. . . I am not there yet, totally. My head says "of course it was awesome. . " but my heart still breaks. I know our sex life is better now by far, but it still hurts.

Thanks again, you two.

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 21:24 PM

Pre-A my wife and I had differing opinions of what sex in a marriage was about. Unfortunately, my definition was NOT the healthy one. I have worked to change this and feel better inside in so many ways because of this.

Perhaps this is why I APPEAR Zen on this....because I had little to be proud of as I look back on our sex life pre-A. I fully get the ENJOYABLE part of sex...the true deep intimacy is what my wife and I are attempting to bring into our marriage....neither of us are exactly sure how to do this or what it looks like. Initially, like many fWW, my wife thought what she had with her AP was that deep intimate sex. is what we all know what it is.

The A has a huge influence on our progress, or lack there of, on this do some of my pre-A habits.

I wont high jack your post...but wanted to let you in on a bit of how I got to where I am regarding my wife and sex within her affair.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:29 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 9/9/2013 21:35 PM heart still breaks too. my wife and I were first...and on track to be that sucks. But I have given up all hope for a better past! Putting my hope where God desires us to...into our futures!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:36 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

StillStanding1 posted 9/9/2013 22:05 PM


Boy, this is hard! Wishing you peace. Even when your WS is trying to do the right things, it doesn't mean that our minds don't go to deep dark places...

My H travels a little for his job, but entertains clients a lot. "Excessively" during the A, which is how he kept me completely in the dark. I go deep down the dark hole whenever he is out entertaining now. Tonight he is at a charity golf outing "mandatory" for suppliers for his top client. He gave me plenty of details to prove he is there and has been really good about this now, but I still start to panic on these types of nights. So, while he is not out of the country, I feel I can really relate to your state-of-mind right now. Wish I had some sage words of advice... I could use them myself... but just wanted you to know you are not alone. This is our special order of "crazy making"!

Try to stay positive and think of all the good things he's done and how far you've come. I sometimes read saved text messages that he's sent me that are sweet and loving to get me to a better place when we are out of contact. Old cards? Anything you can look at that might help?

(((and strength)))

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 22:09 PM

Smart move to come and find support Still.....sending positive thoughts to both you ladies tonight. All mine is doing is running at the gym.....


bionicgal posted 9/9/2013 23:17 PM

I hear you SS1. My H went though a period of heightened travel right before and during the A, which caused so much strain on our marriage. It was truly the hardest time we'd had in 20 years.

So, now we are right back in one of these crazy travel times, and it is hard to manage. I honestly feel better after posting here tonight, and sending him a long email. I am grateful that my marriage is moving in a positive direction, but the next 3 weeks are going to be tough.

TxsT posted 9/9/2013 23:26 PM

Send that letter Bionic....he needs to know how you are feeling. He might be having his own triggers come to think of it.

Reaching out in our time of need is what we all need to do, be it here or in a letter to our S.


Knowing posted 9/10/2013 02:57 AM

(((Bionic gal)))

If I were you, I'd be very sure to be clear with my WS that the work he intends to do while away should be done, no excuses. The WS has to start showing their willingness to do the hard work, no excuses. It's the only way to show commitment to this process, words are not enough, we need action.

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