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Newest Member: Artarmon2064 (45754)

User Topic: My Whole Marriage is a Lie
TheNothing
♀ 40616
Member # 40616
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always wanted a traditional marriage. When my husband and I got married ten years ago, I truly wanted him and only him. I thought he was a man of integrity who felt the same.

I was young and attractive, but he didn't respond to me in the bedroom. I thought he had low drive. We had relations once in a while, but it was difficult for him unless we used certain techniques. I ignored all the signs, and my own gut.

Then I discovered his other life. Apparently, he was perfectly capable of bedroom antics all those years. Just not with his wife. :/ I discovered all this at 9 months pregnant. It was like an atomic bomb went off in my backyard.

After the baby was born, I said enough. I wanted out. Then he freaked out, begging me not to leave, hyperventilating, hysterical.

We talked for days, and are still talking weeks later. I've lost 12 pounds in three weeks. Hysterical bonding to an insane degree, both not sleeping or eating, and getting sick. Neither of us can work or function properly. This is all I think about.

My husband has promised to stop all of his old behaviors. He says he was afraid to be sexual with me, and felt I would reject him. He says he wants to fix things, and he feels more in love than ever before, like we have achieved a level of intimacy we never had in all our years of marriage. The sex has been amazing, quite frankly. He says the intimacy was what he needed all those years, but was afraid.

But...he also perceives this as a mutual problem, and says I caused his behavior by not giving him enough acceptance and unconditional love early in our marriage, rejecting him like his mother, and by making him feel inferior. I have no idea why he thinks some of this. I have always told him he was great, and that I wanted him, and that I loved being with him. I was the one who spent years crying in bed alone. I just don't get it.

I am afraid that someone will end up dead, quite literally. Our conversations and arguments are terrifying, and he is becoming unglued. So am I. I can't speak about this with anyone. I feel so alone.

I am afraid that if I don't support him and swallow my rolercoaster feelings, or if I try the 180, he will have a breakdown (he has a history of this, which I also just learned). He is already in trouble at work. I am financially dependent on him, and we have no family in the country where we live. We have four kids, including a 3 week old baby. I am so scared.

I am so glad to find this site. The gaslighting, hysterical bonding, the rollercoaster ... so much fits.

So. There it is.


BS(me): 34
WH: 42
4 kids: 8,6,4, and a newborn
D-day: Aug 2013...new and raw

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
trying2bthebest
♀ 36964
Member # 36964
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't wait to read responses to this post. This is so similar to my situation.

My husband had trouble iniating intimacy and a very low-drive (so I thought). He did not like for me to "talk dirty" or be anymore than missionary. He said, "I have problems iniatiating and women have been the iniatiaters in the past." He later said, "I don't see you "that" way... you're a "good girl." I replied, "we are married, I will be whatever you want me to be in the bedroom as long as it is just me and you. Anyways, after I found out he was cheating, his sex drive and experimenting went crazy! Sex is amazing and alarming.

He also use that infereior crap too. He said I don't say enough good about him and he thinks I think he's stupid. Crazy to me, because I'm super supportive, super encouraging and a pleaser. I could not understand where he got that from.

Similar to your situation also, he has shown a lot of anger since dday and I recently found out this anger is shown at work too. He too has become hysterical (emotionally and violently) when I threaten or try to leave. I too have become violent and I have never (and he has never) been this way before and I don't want to live like this.

I thought I did everything right. I only had one boyfriend before my husband. I married my husband three years after earning my B.A. I earned my master's, we bought a house, and we were married three years before birthing our first child. I was sweet, supportive, helpful, bikini -body and I cooked and cleaned. But He cheated for years before i found out and I had no clue or suspicion prior.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Michigan
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheNothing - You are describing what life with a sex addict, can be like. I don't know enough of your story to know for sure. The things you have written are a little frightening, are you ok? Do you have any support around you? Can you share a little more of the whole story?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
TheNothing
♀ 40616
Member # 40616
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying2bthebest, your situation does sound similar. I had only 2 boyfriends before him, both long term. Same with the sex issues. My husband was raised extremely religious, and I had thought some kind of 'Madonna Whore' complex, but I don't know.

Missymomma, I am not sure what to say. I am afraid that if we go for counseling, one or both of us could be sent for further psych treatment (me for depression and him for a breakdown), and that's scary because of the kids.

My family and friends are all overseas (we immigrated 2 years ago, and have limited connections here). We live in a rural community, and I do not drive. I know...what was I thinking? But, things seemed okay before this exploded.

My husband has had two nervous breakdowns as a young man. One was when a crush did not reciprocate his feelings, so he quit his job and was depressed for 4 months. He stayed with his parents, and got back on his feet eventually. I knew about this.

The other I just learned about, and it sounds like he had a psychotic break from the story (hallucination/religious delusions in college, and had to be sent home to his parents). He never received treatment, and his family never told me. He recovered without treatment.

It's a powder keg, and I am ashamed that we created a family and never addressed this.

I deeply love this man, and I have no doubt that he loves me. I also hate him for this. I was too stupid to see it coming.

I have let my anger get the best of me and threatened to have a revenge affair (which I don't want to do...I just wanted to hurt him). I was wrong to say it, and I feel awful for even thinking it. That has really set him off. Yet I keep playing with fire.


BS(me): 34
WH: 42
4 kids: 8,6,4, and a newborn
D-day: Aug 2013...new and raw

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to cry reading this as it is so similar to what has happened to me. I had a crappy start in life and having a solid family was always my dream. The last two years I have tried initiating sex on multiple occasions - being told he was too tired or stressed and I was "pressurizing" him and should be patient! Patient!!! I find out somewhere across town his OW didn't need to be patient, the intimicay I craved he gave away freely elsewhere. He did all this while rubbing my pregnant belly and seeing me exhausted from breast feeding our child...he tried this week to say the bleak period we went to three years ago (multiple miscarriages and me pretty depressed at time) was somehow the trigger for taking up with another woman when we finally had a baby on the way. Ultimately I think they need to tell themselves things to excuse the despicable person they have been - don't buy into it...you deserved better and if he wanted kinky sex or anything else the place to ask for it was safe confines of your loving marriage.

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to be hard for you to hear. I'm sorry.

I just want you to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place.
Call in reinforcements, privately, in secret - even if overseas, it doesn't matter. It is time for you to cash in all your chips and leave the table.

You need to do this carefully, privately, in secret. Make a plan, stan.

What's happening is you are being abused.
Your abuser becomes frantic when there's the slightest hint he is about to lose his supply, his target - you.
You need to get away, and you need to do it cleanly, safely, and without his knowledge.

While formulating your escape plan, you need to hide your true feelings, and not discuss things with him.
Act nicey-nicey.
Act clueless.

Once you are at a safe distance - AWAY FROM HIM - then you will be able to safely confront the lies and abuse.

If I had a million dollars, I'd come over there and abscond with you - make a plan.


Posts: 6773 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living in a rural area? Overseas? Without a car? Caring for a young child? None of these are bad choices, per se, certainly not bad choices individually...but were they really your choices? Did you realize and/or want this much isolation? Think back to when these things happened - were you prodded? Convinced? Maybe you loved this whole idea and never ever expressed concern. But given your WH's activities and mental health - it sure seems like layers of isolation that have gone extreme.

I'm not jumping to any conclusions here, but when one person isolates another, there are usually ulterior motives. Control in some way.

I'm with jjct, I guess. Even if you're not on board with the fact that he may be an abuser, this is not a time to be at his mercy. This is not a time to be stranded.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
ninebark
♀ 24534
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But...he also perceives this as a mutual problem, and says I caused his behavior by not giving him enough acceptance and unconditional love early in our marriage, rejecting him like his mother, and by making him feel inferior.

This quite frankly is crap. You did not force him to have an affair. If he felt that way he should have talked to you. An affair is never your fault and please don't think that way.


The other I just learned about, and it sounds like he had a psychotic break from the story (hallucination/religious delusions in college, and had to be sent home to his parents). He never received treatment, and his family never told me. He recovered without treatment.

This worries me, people don't generally recover without treatment. Things may seem to get better for a time, but I doubt this has gone away.

You need to take steps to protect yourself. See a lawyer, find some place safe for you and your baby. Get some IC.

It is amazing just what we can accept is okay when we are in the situation, we are so desperate for that normal life and we love our SO's. Change is a scary thing.

But if you are living in fear at all, then that is a good indicator that it is time to take steps.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie, I am very very worried for you.

For right this moment, lets put aside the infidelity, and talk about your safety.

The other I just learned about, and it sounds like he had a psychotic break from the story (hallucination/religious delusions in college, and had to be sent home to his parents). He never received treatment, and his family never told me. He recovered without treatment.

It sounds like your H is mentally ill. He may have skated by with out treatment for years, but when under extreme stress, ie, your discovery of his infidelity, birth of new baby, trouble at work, the illness can rear it's ugly head again. Mental illnesses that involve periods of psychosis, (bipolar, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder) can be very very scary, and sometimes turn violent. It is extremely important that you find some support with this, with a new baby and other children, and being in the highly emotional state that D-day brings, you are in no position to handle this alone. You must find help. This is simply too much for you to handle by yourself with a 3 week old baby.

Are you in the US? If you are, please call a women's abuse hotline and seek guidance.

In the meantime, begin to get your ducks in a row by making copies of all important documents, find and secure your passport, and get organized in case you should suddenly have to leave.

Is it possible for you to leave to 'go visit' your relatives in your home country, or have them come to visit you to help you?

I am afraid for you.

((((The nothing))))


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
cliffside
♀ 38803
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is very, very concerning:

I am afraid that someone will end up dead, quite literally. Our conversations and arguments are terrifying, and he is becoming unglued. So am I. I can't speak about this with anyone. I feel so alone.

What country are you in? You must find SOMEONE to help you. Please keep posting, we are all here to help in any way we can.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please speak to a hotline and stay safe!! As everyone has said this relationship has crossed the line and you feel physically unsafe

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheNothing
♀ 40616
Member # 40616
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not in the US now, unfortunately. We're living down under.

I really appreciate all the advice. I haven't thought of things in that light before. It is true that we have become increasingly isolated from other people over the years, and especially the past two years. I'm not sure why that happened, since it was so gradual. I love him, and just didn't want to see reality until it was so obvious and I could not ignore it anymore.

Some good news. Yesterday, he was in a bad state when he went to work. His employer noticed and spoke with him about it, and he was able to admit it was not going well with us at home. They were very understanding.

HR gave him time off to deal with things, and the contact details of a psychologist who is covered by our health plan. He really wants to go, and realizes this has spiraled out of control. We've talked about MC as well.

I don't want to leave, but I will speak with my Mom about the general issues we are facing (not the infidelity, but the other issues), so if it does get out of hand the kids and I can go and stay there. Not looking forward to an international flight with 4 kids.

I'll also speak with my husband's family again, since they know the situation and can offer extra support for him, too, should it come to that.

Long road ahead. Thanks for giving me a place to vent. I really needed to speak with someone, but didn't want to betray him by talking about our marital issues with people we know.


BS(me): 34
WH: 42
4 kids: 8,6,4, and a newborn
D-day: Aug 2013...new and raw

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
hard_yards
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, where "downunder"? PM me, please.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hard_yards - Australia

I'm not sure why that happened, since it was so gradual.

The erosion of boundaries, and isolation occurs gradually in most cases because we'd notice it otherwise.

It's the frog in lukewarm water, slowly being boiled analogy.


Posts: 6773 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
hard_yards
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the info jjct, I was hoping it was near by.

Honey, Australia has good social services, even out in the sticks, there'll be someone.. please reach out. Hugs

ETD: please make sure you always clear your browsing history after being on SI, protect yourself.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 5:37 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 15

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