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SheHatesMe posted 9/9/2013 21:00 PM

2x4's ready...

I am struggling here as I've backslid in my selfish behavior. Okay actually, I just put my selfishness on hold for a couple of good days me and my BGF had. I got so caught up in the "good" and despite her telling me this doesn't make it over and my knowing it doesn't make it over I got frustrated and impatient when the anger and questions came back. I know that I shouldn't act this way and I do not like seeing my BGF hurt, but yet I am concerned about her hurting my feelings and calling me every name in the book.

I'm curious on how long it took other WS to "get it" and lose all selfish feeling shit? I feel so beat down from the name calling and from myself beating me up that I sometimes I want to push this aside. I know she can NEVER push it aside and it's unfair for me to want to. This is the conundrum. Has anyone else battled this feeling and how did you overcome it? I trying hard to not be an insensitive prick.

I just started a new IC today. I feel good about this one and he can help with my anger management as well.

Aubrie posted 9/9/2013 21:11 PM

Are you the WS that's beating their BS? (If not, my apologies. I struggle with keeping everyone straight.) Are there protective measures in place to keep your BS safe from your abuse? Do you think violence is ok?

The "average" timeline is 2-5 years. And thats the short track. And that's if, IF the WS pulls their head out of their butt right off the bat. Add in broken NC, TT, abuse, and additional drama, and the timeline gets longer. Think 7-10 years.

This is not for the faint of heart. Look. We cheated. Some of us multiple times. How dare we expect our BS to "get over it" within a very short few weeks or months. I'm almost 2 years in. We're R'd, but its still a constant battle. Triggers, nightmares, down days, happy days.

Cheating is an ugly business. Far too many WS want to gloss it all over in an effort to "move forward and onward". I assure you, the more you belittle or brush your BS's feelings aside, the more likely you'll be on the fast track to divorce and not reconciliation.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/9/2013 23:21 PM

her hurting my feelings and calling me every name in the book.

What don't you like about her hurting your feelings? I'm not being facetious - I want you to analyze your feelings.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/10/2013 07:50 AM

Are you posting here because you *want* 2x4's? Because, that's what you feel you deserve?

Anger management. Fine. Recognizing you have a problem is a good first step. Until you get that shit under control, you and BGF should stay the hell away from each other. She admitted hitting you, she said you hit her.

I am concerned about her hurting my feelings and calling me every name in the book.

News flash, bud: nobody can hurt your feelings. You could walk up to me and call me every name in the book, and my feelings wouldn't be hurt--because I'd recognize that your words reflected on you, not me.

That concept is advanced, though, and it may take you months or years of therapy to get there...if you ever do.

If you're so concerned about your own feelings, then protect them. It's easy. Stay away from BGF, don't talk to her, don't text her...you get the idea. If you can't do it for her, then do it for yourself.

SheHatesMe posted 9/10/2013 09:17 AM

I need to clarify my purpose of this post. I know I'm being selfish and have been a total ass. I have destroyed my BGF. I look at her and my selfish, prickish self is reflected back at me because I know I did this to her. I caused this destruction in her life.

I want so bad to help her, comfort her, and help ease the pain but I keep screwing up or she justifiably pushes back because I've constantly screwed up. How can I break through the wall that I've built around her heart? I am begging for help. I am not asking for anyone to do it for me because I know I have to be the one to help her heal but I'm stuck.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/10/2013 20:59 PM

How can I break through the wall that I've built around her heart?

You can't. Accept that her feelings are completely beyond your control.

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