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Saleschick posted 9/9/2013 23:35 PM

How long before you dated after your ex moved out?

I am spending time with someone in the same boat as me and he has 3 kids to take care of since the wife left them and moved half away across the country.

We both just like getting out of the house and he says I am easy to talk to. Although I have teared up every time we have met when we get talking about my ex. He has been great about it and is farther long in the separation process than me.

persevere posted 9/10/2013 00:37 AM

I think many of us, including me, would say that in hindsight, we dated too soon.

The conventional SI wisdom, that has proved rather reliable time and again, is that you are better off focusing your energy on working on yourself right now.

People who date too early often end up focusing on the "new" and avoid fully dealing with the pain and healing needed due to the ending of your marriage. And, from my experience, the only way to get through the hard stuff is to go through it and not avoid the emotions. Basically, you have to go through it to get through it. There is no shortcut.

Some would disagree about the dating, but whatever you decide, tread carefully, and remember that your largest priority right now should be you and your children's best interest.

((Hugs))

Sad in AZ posted 9/10/2013 00:46 AM

To oversimplify it, I think if you're dating because you're lonely (or worse yet, misery loves company), you're dating for the wrong reason. If you're dating because you enjoy the company of others, it's probably not a bad idea.

Examining the reasons for your wanting to date is very hard, because we tend to overlook our worst traits

7yrsflushed posted 9/10/2013 09:46 AM

To oversimplify it, I think if you're dating because you're lonely (or worse yet, misery loves company), you're dating for the wrong reason. If you're dating because you enjoy the company of others, it's probably not a bad idea
^^^This and i don't think it's an oversimplification at all. You know yourself Saleschick. Dating or enjoying time with friends doesn't have to mean relationship. At least it doesn't for me. I just enjoy spending time with people that actually want to spend time with me. Everyone knows up front I am not looking for a relationship right now (emotional or sexual) and just enjoy peoples company.

SoHappyNow posted 9/10/2013 12:56 PM

It might work out......or it might not. Since none of us here at SI can get inside your head or the head of your guy.

Conventional wisdom is almost always right. In my own case, conventional wisdom said my relationship with my SO was doomed from the get go - yet here we are, thriving and loving and cohabiting very sucessfully, will probably end up happily married.....

Artemisia posted 9/10/2013 13:05 PM

Apologies in advance because I am a crab right now, and I know this is slightly off topic. For myself, I agree that waiting to meet someone until I have gotten through the worst of it is essential. But why, why, do those WS get to jump right from the old relationship to the new? Why are we working, processing, getting through it, while they are already sailing off into the sunset of their new relationships? Why, why, why... I could probably ask that a million times about a million topics on here.

lieshurt posted 9/10/2013 13:11 PM

But why, why, do those WS get to jump right from the old relationship to the new?

Because they don't care. They are dysfunctional people who find other dysfunctional people and once that ends, they'll repeat the same pattern.

For a lot of BS's it's the same issue. Many are so afraid of being alone, that they just jump into the next available "relationship" without dealing with their own issues. Once it fails, they typically step back and realize there is work to be done and they change their focus to that.

Saleschick, don't rush into dating. That's the last thing you want to do especially with children involved.

InnerLight posted 9/11/2013 10:24 AM

Make sure you develop other relationships with friends/family and not lean on this guy to support you emotionally.

Recovering from the devastation takes a village! Seriously! REally broaden your support. Relying on a guy, however nice he is, may or may not work out. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position where the guy thing doesn't work and you haven't built up a broad support network and you get re-devestated.

Keep developing your own friends and interests.

ladies_first posted 9/11/2013 11:13 AM

Although I have teared up every time we have met when we get talking about my ex.

Gently, I would be turned off if my new date teared up whenever speaking of Ex, so I would respectfully decline future dates.

I'm afraid dating "rejections" would hinder your healing process; tears are a sign that more healing and grieving needs to be processed.

Saleschick posted 9/11/2013 22:20 PM

Thanks for all the great feedback. I appreciate it. I am surprised too he wants to continue seeing me again. I think I am fortunate in that he went thru this process before me and understands the emotions I still feel. He has 3 kids he is raising fully on his own, so I think he just likes getting together for a bite to eat to talk once a week or so. He says I am easy to talk to and I would agree we do not lack for conversation.

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