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Am I asking for too much?

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TemporalReset posted 9/10/2013 02:10 AM


Is it too much to ask for my WW to think of her AP as the enemy (or at least not a "friend") so soon after NC (1 1/2 weeks)?

I want her to see him as the evil man that helped destroy our life. She still considers him a friend. She obviously would still be texting him asking how his day was if they were still in contact.

Should I let it go for now, or push it? I just don't know.

GraceisGood posted 9/10/2013 07:11 AM

I think being so soon it is probably just not realistic to "expect" such a perspective on a WS part. Some are capable of it, but many are in their "fog" etc, and need time to process and to get their head screwed on straight which takes time and work.

I also think in the long run, this perspective might not mean as much to you as it does now, you too have much to process and work through and that will change your perspectives as well, (not to say this will disappear, or that it is not a valid need, just realize that processing can change how you feel about things but if this does not change, then eventually you both will have to deal with this and hopefully your WS will be able to get there.).


TemporalReset posted 9/10/2013 17:31 PM


Thank you. Your response was exactly what I needed and what my own inner voice was telling me. Sometimes I have a tendency to look at the moment to moment details instead of the big picture.


TrulySad posted 9/11/2013 10:50 AM

I don't think it's too much to ask, but like Grace said, it's probably unrealistic. Even if she said it, would you believe she meant it?

I found myself wanting the same thing from my exWH, and WBF. As soon as they gave it to me, I doubted their word, and needed more reassurance in other ways. In the end, I came to realize they liked those women. I couldn't change that. How they felt about the women now, was never going to be convincing to me via their words. It had to be shown by their actions, and that took time.

I know one thing that helped though, when I couldn't hear their names mentioned by their mouths ONE MORE TIME...I literally flipped out, wanting to scream and said in a very upset voice, that if I hear them say their name one more time, I will walk out and NEVER return. It worked. I think my WBF now gets that it's like a knife to my gut.

***Note, I've had three relationsips where I've dealt with A's. So please don't think I was married and had a BF at the same time

Simple posted 9/11/2013 13:19 PM

For me with my FWH having had multiple OW, I would've rather he think of himself as the enemy. He brought a lot of his own problems himself and I felt he dragged me into it and I was a convenient excuse for him to do what he has done.

I refuse to spend so much energy on the multiple OW. I will discuss with him if he seemed foggy about these women how bad some of them are, how they used him (one one of them probably with the husband's consent). Some didn't know he was married though and I feel for those as they've been betrayed too as far as I am concerned.

No it's probably not too much to ask. But ask yourself, why does it matter to you so much? Many are mad at their WS and just reflects that onto the AP because they can't deal being mad at their WS. If that's the case why are you running away from that? Why not be mad at WS and work it through regardless of anyone outside of that M. AP is not part of that M. Only the 2 of you.

Finally10 posted 9/11/2013 13:33 PM

Hope you don't mind a WS commenting, but FWIW...

No Contact means NO contact, physical or mental. The goal in my opinion should be exactly that, the absence of thought about an AP at least by the WS. Anything less is giving head space and energy to the AP when that time and energy could be devoted to healthy activities like healing themselves, and the marriage.

I fully understand the agony a BS endures in the aftermath of discovery, the desire to demonize the AP etc., and you may do that as part of your process. You have to ask though, how keeping the AP in her(the WS) head, even in a negative way is going to be a good thing? She should be focused on understanding her actions and healing herself and the relationship.

And yes, as Grace said, 1 1/2 weeks of NC is pretty early on, but considering him a friend after the now disclosed damage they wrought is not a good thing.

I hope your WS reads here, and if so, direct her to the thread in Wayward "Things every WS should know", and if not, print it out for her to read unless the site is your safe place and she is unaware.

Good luck in your journey.

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