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How soon is too soon?

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kg201 posted 9/10/2013 07:58 AM

Over the weekend I asked my WW whether she would do a mediated divorce with me. She agreed and I sent her information from the attorney to set up the first session. Last night we had a brief IM chat where she said that she understands why I am pushing it, but that she would prefer to wait and let things settle down.

We are 6 weeks from dday and into our third week of separation. Part of me wants to continue pushing for the D, but the other part want to wait and see whether she comes around to R sometime in the near future. I also don't fully understand if there is a benefit to long term separation over D or vice versa, so spending some time learning the pros and cons from a financial perspective would be good.

Is 6 weeks past dday too soon to push through a D? I have been feeling pretty good recently emotionally. I have done a couple of meetups and met some new folks. I have been exercising and enjoying my time wi my kids. I was even able to smile at my WW this morning when she came to get the kids ready for school while I left for work. So I feel I am doing the work I need to do to heal, but should I give it more time before pushing the D?

Mack9512 posted 9/10/2013 08:10 AM

Morning kg201,

I will tell you what my IC and my lawyer told me. "Wait at least 6 months before making any kind of decision that will completely change your life. And DO NOT, under any circumstances, make a decision out of anger or revenge." Basically they were both telling me to let myself calm down before making any big decisions. I implemented the 180 (I will admit that I wasn't great at the 180) and it helped to settle my mind and emotions. It worked for me, however, every situation is different.


Merlin posted 9/10/2013 08:13 AM

If she is still actively in her affair, what is the point of waiting?

When I outed my ex-wife, I pleaded with her to end the affair, work on our marriage and family. She said simply 'I can't do that right now'. I filed before week's end.

My 'logic' was that, so long as she could pretend to have it all, the marriage and intact family were simply a safety net and training wheels for her that she could undo at her whim, while continuing the affair.

Perhaps you are strong enough to wait and hope. I was not.

Do I regret it? Yes and no. You can always wonder I'd waiting would have worked and I sometimes still do. But for our kids and me, I could not live a lie of that magnitude.

[This message edited by Merlin at 8:14 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 9/10/2013 08:36 AM

If she is still actively in her affair, what is the point of waiting?
^^^This. It just allows her to continue cake eating and keeps you on the hook as plan B.

she would prefer to wait and let things settle down.
What things does she want to settle down? If she is still in the A the only thing she hopes will settle down is you getting back in line as plan B. If she had ended the A, gone NC, and was "owning her shit" then yeah maybe you want to wait but if she is still actively in the A then you may as well file. If you want to see where she truly stands on your M then file.

IMO, go see a Lawyer to understand your rights in your state and then move forward with the divorce, mediated or not. She made her decision when she chose the AP.

I talked to a L prior to drafting a PSA. Some things that were big for me:

Any debt she racks ups while you are M is half yours.

You are still likely on the same car insurance. If WW lets OM drive her car and wrecks it YOU can be sued since it's your vehicle.

Health Insurance, who carries health insurance for the family and kids? That needs to be discussed.

custody of the kids: Are you keeping the kids 100% of the time now? If so document it, if you are doing 50/50 custody then you need to determine if you are doing joint physical and legal custody.

If you own your home who keeps the house and does one of you owe the other equity?

Child support and alimony. CS for me was handled by a state formula, my WW didn't want SS. Ask the L about state laws on both.

I waited 2 years to file. My STBXW stopped her A but I had a year of false R and she never would work on her issues. I wish I had filed sooner. It's ultimately your choice but if your WW is still in the A then IMO there is no need to wait to file. I wish you the best KG201, this shit sucks but it gets better. Keep focusing on you and no matter what happens you will be okay.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:10 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

hopeandchange posted 9/10/2013 11:34 AM

7years gave great guidance!

thenon-goddess posted 9/10/2013 13:43 PM

I would not let your wife stall you. If there is anything that may cause her to remove her head from her rectum it is facing the reality of D. D proceeding can always be stopped if she gets her act together.

I do think 6 weeks is probably a little soon to be dating, though. 6 weeks out I was still a mess and the dust had not even begun to settle. I don't know that I think even dipping your feet in the dating world is a good idea at this point.

Phoenix1 posted 9/10/2013 14:07 PM

Since she is still with AP, as others said, why wait? How will that make you feel to be waiting around wondering if she is going to pull her head out of her ass and fall back on you (Plan B) if she decides she is tired of AP?

Only you can decide if it is the right time or not, but remember, just because you start the process and file doesn't necessarily mean it has to go through if she truly decides to R. Also, many people have remarried after D as well (my own aunt/uncle did). By starting the process though you are sending a very loud and clear message that you are NOT okay with what she is doing and your are NOT going to be her Plan B. Otherwise, what are her consequences?

Just my opinion...

Tearsoflove posted 9/10/2013 14:51 PM

Sometimes the guilt they feel upon new discovery fades over time. You may get your best deal from her now.

That said, it's entirely up to you. Do what you feel is right for you regardless of what anyone else says.

HopeImOverIt posted 9/10/2013 15:44 PM

KG, aren't you the guy whose WW has metastatic breast cancer? This seems to have a whole bunch of implications that most of don't have to think about, especially if her prognosis is poor. How would a divorce impact her healthcare, her Will, etc.

And then there is the impact on your children if they are possibly going to permanently lose their mother soon.

That said, I don't know what state you are in, but most states have a waiting period in case the parties change their minds and want to R. Generally speaking, one can file for divorce now and suspend it at any time during the waiting period.

Even if you are mediating, you are entitled to have a lawyer of your own give you advice bfore and after the sessions. Your situation definitely calls for some independent advice.

Please tell me you have or will very soon discuss your specific situation with your own lawyer. I don't want to be grim, but I think you also need some advice on what happens if your wife dies or becomes incapacitated during the waiting period.

I'm so sorry you have this double whammy of divorce and death to think about.

kg201 posted 9/10/2013 16:18 PM

Thank you for the feedback everyone. Starting the separation 2 weeks ago was really helpful to me, even though I was reluctant at first. It has removed many of the fears I had about parting.

The question of the divorce really does come down to what's best for the finances moving forward. I am the guy whose WW has metastatic breast cancer, and separating myself from her care giving has been one of the hardest parts of this whole thing, as that has been such a huge part of my identity for 9 years.

I will be seeing my IC on Thursday and plan on bringing this up with him. He is very good at pushing me into uncomfortable places in my thinking. The advice that Mack9512 gave is what I have also been hearing, not making any life-changing decisions for a while. So for now I may hold off until I learn about all of the implications of choosing D vs. not. The health insurance issue was one big question and I did learn that in our state she would by law have to remain on my insurance. And there are no lifetime limits, so either way it may not be an issue.

More to think about. Still feeling pretty good today. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm coming up on almost a week of feeling pretty good.

5454real posted 9/10/2013 17:20 PM

all honesty, I would probably go ahead and finish the paperwork. not to file right away, to have a better picture of what the end result will be. I think you will know when the time is right.

I am curious as to what your wife needs to be settled. she has already chosen the other man over you. she has even enlisted her mother in the effort. to the point where your mother in law is openly hostile to you.

prayers and strength

Skan posted 9/10/2013 22:38 PM

Frankly? I would do whatever your lawyer says is the correct thing to do for you, financially. Realistically, married or divorced, she is not going to be in your life for long. So do whatever is best for you and your children. Sounds cold, but this is the bed she made and she can sleep in it.

justastatistic posted 9/11/2013 12:09 PM

I'm going to play the heartless ass here and point out that your wife's medical condition really complicates things. For example, if you divorce and she dies you are not entitled to anything from her estate. In my State, if the parties are divorced when one dies the surviving spouse typically loses any claim to life insurance proceeds for policies obtained during the marriage, even if the surviving spouse is the beneficiary of the policy. The rationale is that the deceased probably meant to change the beneficiary but never got around to it. There are lots of similar financial issues, including the loss of the spousal "elective share" and so on. I don't think I would mediate a divorce in your circumstances unless you have an attorney very thoroughly review any proposed agreement.

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