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What have I done?

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freelancer posted 9/10/2013 08:02 AM

WH was here for 24 hours this weekend. He flew back to where he was working yesterday. While he was traveling, I logged into his Facebook to do a bit of trust but verify. As soon as he got off the plane, he started texting me very angrily about logging into his FB and any chance of R (we had talked more about that when he was here) is now off the table. This was all over text. I was getting very emotional and feeling like I was on tr verge of losing it. I told him that I would get a lawyer this week and he should communicate with me through my attorney from that point on. Why did I do that? I don't want that.

dameia posted 9/10/2013 08:10 AM

You have every right to check his FB. Why does he think it's okay for him to fly off the handle at you? Is he not the one who broke your trust? Should he not be doing everything in his power to rebuild that trust, including being completely transparent? I don't mean to come across as harsh, but reading this really pissed me off for you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but maybe you getting a lawyer will convince him to actually put in the effort that is required to fully R.

pmal64 posted 9/10/2013 08:10 AM

what has HE done?

what has your H done to fix this?
I am not familiar with your story- but if he is trying to reconcile- are his actions matching his words? you cannot try to reconcile with someone who does not want to reconcile... he will think you are a doormat and walk right over you and continue his A.
hugs honey!

tushnurse posted 9/10/2013 08:21 AM


I know it hurts like hell right now. But stop and take a step back.

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Transparency in all things is essential in a relationships ability to R. If he can't even stand for you to look at his FB he is hiding stuff.

You were actually quite strong, and did the right thing when he responded horribly. You should be proud of that. He is showing you that he wants to R as long as he doesn't have to change one damn thing. Is it worth having him to have him, and not trust him, and to have him and let him abuse you (this flying off the handle, and making you feel so guilty, and horrible is a form of abuse because it changes who you are, and makes you question what is right).

Perhaps having him served will really wake him up. If not did you want to share him anyway?

((((and strength))))

cantaccept posted 9/10/2013 08:30 AM

You have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.

You are only trying to make yourself feel safe. That is what you need to do.

He was wrong in turning it on you. He is wrong for not understanding that you need this and so much more.

I understand when you blame yourself, thinking that you ruined it. I did the same thing over and over. If only, I had done this or why did I say that.

It makes no difference, you have to do whatever is right for you. It is such a hard concept to grasp, I understand.

It is so hard to really understand that you do not have control over the situation. To realize that you can only control your actions, it is so very hard.

When my h left, I agonized over every word and action. Believed that somehow if I did the right thing, said the right words he would understand, recognize what he was doing, love me again.

It just doesn't work that way. Now I understand, but when you want to R so badly, it is hard to see the truth of it. You must put yourself first, you must protect you, you must be ready to walk away. It seems so counterintuitive.

H and I have talked about this, I have asked him now, recently. He has said to me that nothing I did had any influence on him at the time, positive or negative. That he had to come to the realization on his own that R is what he wanted.

I know how badly this hurts. Honestly, the best thing you can do is to stand up for yourself. Treat yourself the way you would if it were your daughter going though this, say to yourself the things you would say to her.

You deserve love, respect, honesty.

I hope in some way this helps. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was a magic potion to take all the hurt away.

PM if you would like, if I could help in any way.

I could hear your pain and relate so well to it.

I am by no means an expert, I still have my daily struggles and am not even sure where this journey will end for me. I just needed to reach out to you.


Dawnie posted 9/10/2013 08:36 AM

He obviously doesnt realize that he needs to be transparent and allow you to do WHATEVER you need to do to feel safe. This is how a betrayed spouse heals and begins to trust again.

He is being a selfish ass! He earned this new way of life....


[This message edited by Dawnie at 8:36 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Sad in AZ posted 9/10/2013 09:04 AM

Sweetie, the X used to rail at me for checking on him (phone, email, facebook). Guess what? He was still ass deep in the A; had taken it underground.

His reaction was not one of a remorseful spouse in search of reconciliation. It was the reaction of a lying, gaslighting, cake-eating dickhead.

Your reaction was spot on. I know deep down you do not want a D, but do you really want to be M to what he has become?

freelancer posted 9/10/2013 13:18 PM

I have contacted 10 law offices today and am waiting to hear back. I don't know if I can do this.

tushnurse posted 9/10/2013 13:25 PM

You can, and you will survive. Do you have a close friend, or family member that can come help you through this?
Take them with you to the lawyers too. It helps to have a second set of eyes and ears there.

((((and strength))))

Lucky posted 9/10/2013 13:37 PM

Honey you did nothing wrong. Not one single thing.

Do you have any kind of support system? Someone who can come to you or you go to them?? You really need to be with someone today - maybe even tomorrow.

freelancer posted 9/10/2013 13:43 PM

I don't have anyone here. I am 3000 miles from my family.

heartache101 posted 9/10/2013 13:48 PM

Sweetie YOU DID nothing wrong!!! He is still cheating or plans on it.
What an ass control freak too!
Be glad he is gone. Who needs that crap! Really he doesn't get it. Until he does file for a divorce and fine yourself a happy place in life. Maybe plan on moving back 3000 miles where you came from???

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/10/2013 13:52 PM

You know WHY you did it, Freelancer?

I'll tell you why.

Because you actually have to NUMBER the amount of OW he's had while you've been with him, down in your signature line.

THAT'S why.

He doesn't like it?

Too damned bad. He's lucky you still even talk to him, to be honest.

Get tough.

Stop crying, stop begging, stop apologizing, stop bargaining, and stop looking for his approval in everything you do.

He should be kissing your feet that you've forgiven him multiple times for his crap behavior, not telling YOU what to do.

I repeat. Get tough. Call a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:54 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

kiki1 posted 9/10/2013 14:53 PM


He is so wrong.

There is a reason he acted so angry and defensive. There is something he doesnt want you to know.

If he was truly remorseful, your logging into his account would be nothing. In fact, why the hell should he even still have it?

I'm sorry your so far from family and have no one to help you.

Get to that lawyer. Know your rights. I'm sorry Freelancer, i know what it feels like to want R so badly. You cant make him want it as badly as you do.

I know your grief, i've been there as well. Cool off on him, let him know your serious. R should not be on his terms. You are giving the great gift, not him.

hugs Freelancer,,,,
stay strong

BeyondBreaking posted 9/10/2013 15:30 PM

He was the one who caused this.

You logging into his FB should not be anything for him to flip out at you about. Exactly what was hiding in there?

It should be YOU calling the shots of R, not him.

crazyblindsided posted 9/10/2013 15:51 PM

Oh ef that (((freelancer))) you absolutely did nothing wrong.

Being able to check on their FB, email, twitter, LinkedIn, cell phones, phone bills, are all par for the course post DDay if you are attempting R. You cannot even attempt R without it.

I'm sorry your WH is still hiding things from you and does not want to relinquish his control.

You cannot control him unfortunately but you can do something about it and for yourself and it sounds like you are on the right road with the appt's with lawyers.

Also check out the 180 and implement immediately so you can start to detach from him.

I'm so sorry

2married2quit posted 9/10/2013 15:57 PM

I'm glad everyone here agrees. WWS sometimes want to have control and so they threaten the relationship. Call his bluff! You did NOTHING wrong. You have every right to protect your home, your marriage and your sanity. He should be VOLUNTEERING his FB account to you.

Simple posted 9/10/2013 15:59 PM


The only time during course of R that my FWH got mad I did this is because he was still hiding something from me. Now, he's a truly remorseful and good FWH, he even SHOWS me his facebook when he friends a woman for any reason and asks if it's ok.

Follow through your lawyer talk. He doesn't want R anymore, decision made. Do the 180.

HUGS your way.

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/10/2013 16:16 PM

Hug (((((freelancer)))))

Why did I do that? I don't want that.
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

I read some of your other threads, and you are under an incredible amount of stress from WH's expectations that R should not be so hard. Like others have said, it it probable that he is keeping up the A type behaviors.

Why did you do that? I said things like that when I was maxed out and wanted "some" caring reaction from my FWH. On one hand I desperately wanted the pain to end (hence thinking about D) and on the other hand I wanted to shock FWH into realizing what is happening to the M, and doing something on his side to save it.

Good that you contacted lawyers. If at any point your WH decided to really dig into R, and he is meeting all your expectations for real R, you can always stop the D.

Do you have family you can move closer to so you won't be all alone with your children all the time.

Also, can you hold down nutrition drinks? If you are passing out, not eating is not setting well with you. Drinking something loaded with vitamins will be easier than eating.

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