I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but maybe you getting a lawyer will convince him to actually put in the effort that is required to fully R.
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.
what has your H done to fix this?
I am not familiar with your story- but if he is trying to reconcile- are his actions matching his words? you cannot try to reconcile with someone who does not want to reconcile... he will think you are a doormat and walk right over you and continue his A.
I know it hurts like hell right now. But stop and take a step back.
You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Transparency in all things is essential in a relationships ability to R. If he can't even stand for you to look at his FB he is hiding stuff.
You were actually quite strong, and did the right thing when he responded horribly. You should be proud of that. He is showing you that he wants to R as long as he doesn't have to change one damn thing. Is it worth having him to have him, and not trust him, and to have him and let him abuse you (this flying off the handle, and making you feel so guilty, and horrible is a form of abuse because it changes who you are, and makes you question what is right).
Perhaps having him served will really wake him up. If not did you want to share him anyway?
You are only trying to make yourself feel safe. That is what you need to do.
He was wrong in turning it on you. He is wrong for not understanding that you need this and so much more.
I understand when you blame yourself, thinking that you ruined it. I did the same thing over and over. If only, I had done this or why did I say that.
It makes no difference, you have to do whatever is right for you. It is such a hard concept to grasp, I understand.
It is so hard to really understand that you do not have control over the situation. To realize that you can only control your actions, it is so very hard.
When my h left, I agonized over every word and action. Believed that somehow if I did the right thing, said the right words he would understand, recognize what he was doing, love me again.
It just doesn't work that way. Now I understand, but when you want to R so badly, it is hard to see the truth of it. You must put yourself first, you must protect you, you must be ready to walk away. It seems so counterintuitive.
H and I have talked about this, I have asked him now, recently. He has said to me that nothing I did had any influence on him at the time, positive or negative. That he had to come to the realization on his own that R is what he wanted.
I know how badly this hurts. Honestly, the best thing you can do is to stand up for yourself. Treat yourself the way you would if it were your daughter going though this, say to yourself the things you would say to her.
You deserve love, respect, honesty.
I hope in some way this helps. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was a magic potion to take all the hurt away.
PM if you would like, if I could help in any way.
I could hear your pain and relate so well to it.
I am by no means an expert, I still have my daily struggles and am not even sure where this journey will end for me. I just needed to reach out to you.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
He is being a selfish ass! He earned this new way of life....
[This message edited by Dawnie at 8:36 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
His reaction was not one of a remorseful spouse in search of reconciliation. It was the reaction of a lying, gaslighting, cake-eating dickhead.
Your reaction was spot on. I know deep down you do not want a D, but do you really want to be M to what he has become?
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Honey you did nothing wrong. Not one single thing.
Do you have any kind of support system? Someone who can come to you or you go to them?? You really need to be with someone today - maybe even tomorrow.
I'll tell you why.
Because you actually have to NUMBER the amount of OW he's had while you've been with him, down in your signature line.
He doesn't like it?
Too damned bad. He's lucky you still even talk to him, to be honest.
Stop crying, stop begging, stop apologizing, stop bargaining, and stop looking for his approval in everything you do.
He should be kissing your feet that you've forgiven him multiple times for his crap behavior, not telling YOU what to do.
I repeat. Get tough. Call a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:54 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
He is so wrong.
There is a reason he acted so angry and defensive. There is something he doesnt want you to know.
If he was truly remorseful, your logging into his account would be nothing. In fact, why the hell should he even still have it?
I'm sorry your so far from family and have no one to help you.
Get to that lawyer. Know your rights. I'm sorry Freelancer, i know what it feels like to want R so badly. You cant make him want it as badly as you do.
I know your grief, i've been there as well. Cool off on him, let him know your serious. R should not be on his terms. You are giving the great gift, not him.
You logging into his FB should not be anything for him to flip out at you about. Exactly what was hiding in there?
It should be YOU calling the shots of R, not him.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Being able to check on their FB, email, twitter, LinkedIn, cell phones, phone bills, are all par for the course post DDay if you are attempting R. You cannot even attempt R without it.
I'm sorry your WH is still hiding things from you and does not want to relinquish his control.
You cannot control him unfortunately but you can do something about it and for yourself and it sounds like you are on the right road with the appt's with lawyers.
Also check out the 180 and implement immediately so you can start to detach from him.
I'm so sorry
The only time during course of R that my FWH got mad I did this is because he was still hiding something from me. Now, he's a truly remorseful and good FWH, he even SHOWS me his facebook when he friends a woman for any reason and asks if it's ok.
Follow through your lawyer talk. He doesn't want R anymore, decision made. Do the 180.
HUGS your way.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
Why did I do that? I don't want that.
I read some of your other threads, and you are under an incredible amount of stress from WH's expectations that R should not be so hard. Like others have said, it it probable that he is keeping up the A type behaviors.
Why did you do that? I said things like that when I was maxed out and wanted "some" caring reaction from my FWH. On one hand I desperately wanted the pain to end (hence thinking about D) and on the other hand I wanted to shock FWH into realizing what is happening to the M, and doing something on his side to save it.
Good that you contacted lawyers. If at any point your WH decided to really dig into R, and he is meeting all your expectations for real R, you can always stop the D.
Do you have family you can move closer to so you won't be all alone with your children all the time.
Also, can you hold down nutrition drinks? If you are passing out, not eating is not setting well with you. Drinking something loaded with vitamins will be easier than eating.