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To confront the OM or not to confront. How?

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Reegz posted 9/10/2013 08:34 AM

OK, so since D-Day my wife and I have been in recovery, going to MC and IC. She has observed NC with OM. Recently however, she told me that someone keeps calling her phone and will not leave a message. This morning, I called him from an alternate number and discovered it was the OM. He changed his phone number.

My wife's A had ended in late May 2013. I had full discovery on August 20th. During the discovery process, I found the NC letters written to the OM as she broke off the relationship - literally telling him to "fuck off or face death." This guy changed his number and has been trying to contact her daily for the past week.

He doesn't realize it was me who contacted him through the other number. We are in the process of changing HER phone number as I write this.

The question is - do I confront him? Do I tell him to leave her and us alone? Or do I simply change her phone number and not bother? I'm afraid that if I met him - and I did meet him in different pretense before discovery - it would get physically violent.

Should I call or text the guy? If I change her number does it even matter?

Please any help and support is appreciated. I don't want to repeat mistakes that some of you have had. I'm grateful that I have the support of BS community here.

OK now posted 9/10/2013 08:54 AM

I would phone, in as friendly voice as I can muster under the circumstances and tell him he'd had his fun and caused significant damage to the marriage. Now is the time to stop this harassment and vanish from your lives. Forever.

Any further attempted contact will invoke legal action.

simplydevastated posted 9/10/2013 08:54 AM

In my opinion if she is feeling harassed by him then I would look into a restraining order. She had already sent him a NC letter stating to leave her alone and he isn't. I wouldn't meet with him for the simple reason that you stated - it might turn violent. He's not worth going to jail for. A restraining order might be the way to go. If anything, get advice from your police department. They will guide you in the best course of action.

Good Luck

ReunitePangea posted 9/10/2013 09:04 AM

Crickets is probably the best advise but below is what I would do.

First, change your wife's phone number. Then I would buy a different cheap phone with a different number. I would have your wife call the number he is calling from with a short message, something like this "I know it is you that is calling me, call me back at this number". Then I would have the VM set up on the different phone to be just for him telling him to stay the F away and if he tries again in any way to break NC you are going to the police to file harassment. That way it should hopefully devastate him that your wife worked with you against him and he gets his final clear warning that it is over or you are going to the police if he continues to harass. There is the chance he picks up when your wife leaves the VM - if he does don't say anything. Call again later when you get his VM. When your done, throw the extra phone away.

confused615 posted 9/10/2013 09:12 AM

Goes he have a wife or a girlfriend? if so..call them and tell them he is breaking NC. That usually stops them from fishing.

Reegz posted 9/10/2013 09:17 AM

He had a GF, I don't know who she is or how to get a hold of her. He is NOT married. He is single and tried to substitute my family for the one he lost - he lost any rights to see his daughter in family court from his former girlfriend, the mother of his daughter. He is pathetic and disgusting.

I'm open to hearing from Wayward Spouses or WS's what would scare them off, without using violence. Please let me know.

LeopoldB posted 9/10/2013 09:25 AM

Change your wife's number and hope that he gets the message and that settles it. If he continues to harass her after that, then you need to take action and will (presumably) have additional evidence that he does not intend to disappear.

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