The best gift a WS can give to a BS, is figuring out what drove them to think that adultery was acceptable, and to get to the bottom of that brokenness. To make themselves a person for whom this behavior would be completely unthinkable and unacceptable, no matter what.
The next best gift, is to learn to read the BS (BW in your case) and figure out what they need, if they cannot articulate it. And give that to them.
Like your BW, I could not stand my WH to be in the same room as me, for a long time. He was always one room over, doing his work or whatever, but listening for me. When I went to bed, he slept on the couch outside of our bedroom door. When I would wake up with nightmares, he would come in, comfort me, and when he felt me stiffen up, go back to the couch to sleep. Sometimes he did this multiple times a night I had horrific PTSD nightmares for some time. I would come into a room, he would greet me, and if I needed to be alone, he would leave and I would find a clean room, my sitting place ordered, or some sort of small gesture that he would leave for me to find.
Keep trying. Don't smother her, but keep trying. Even if it seems like it's making no impression, I am pretty darn sure that she is noticing and, once the pain subsides a bit, will remember everything that you do and do not do, during this time. Best of luck.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012