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Breaking through the wall I've built

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SheHatesMe posted 9/10/2013 09:49 AM

I am humbly asking for help here. So everyone knows at the start of this, I am the one who has been physically abusive to my BGF at times during our arguments. I am ashamed and remorseful of my actions. I have never lost my temper in the past. We are avoiding each other and I am keeping my distance during our discussions. I am also seeking help with my anger management. I have a new IC as well. To clear up any misconceptions,


With that being said, I am asking, no begging, for help. I want to show my BGF compassion and comfort her during this difficult time. I have destroyed a beautiful woman. Yet I cannot comfort her when she cries. She doesn't like me being in the same room with her. I bring her coffee in the mornings, ask her if she needs anything, I try to take care of the things around the house so she doesn't have to. Granted, at times, some of the house chores have gone to the wayside because I too have down moments.

My BGF constantly tells me to treat her better than I treated my affairs. I bought gifts and trips for them but haven't for my BGF. I spent so much money on them, money we could have used.

My BGF has a thick wall around her heart right now and rightfully so. I built the wall myself. How can I show her I love her and am remorseful for my actions when I've dragged this process out so long she can't stand me? She keeps asking for me to treat her better so I have to believe there's still a chance. Please, I am so lost in knowing what to do. I am in IC, reading self-help books, reading books on affairs but I continue to get stuck on showing that I do care about her healing.

Deeply Scared posted 9/10/2013 09:58 AM

Moving to the WS Forum.

Josephine01 posted 9/10/2013 10:14 AM

This is going to be hard to hear , but have you ever heard the saying "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours" ? I don't necessarily mean you should leave her, but it sounds like she needs her space. You may need yours.

You need to start with you, change you, and let her see the changes. Don't her love with words or gifts, she doesn't trust you right now. You have change yourself. Start showing those changes to her and the rest of the world.

I am not saying stop doing those nice things you do for her, but do it for you, not to win her back. To prove to yourself that you have changed. Maybe in the process she will start to believe it.

Skan posted 9/10/2013 21:45 PM

The best gift a WS can give to a BS, is figuring out what drove them to think that adultery was acceptable, and to get to the bottom of that brokenness. To make themselves a person for whom this behavior would be completely unthinkable and unacceptable, no matter what.

The next best gift, is to learn to read the BS (BW in your case) and figure out what they need, if they cannot articulate it. And give that to them.

Like your BW, I could not stand my WH to be in the same room as me, for a long time. He was always one room over, doing his work or whatever, but listening for me. When I went to bed, he slept on the couch outside of our bedroom door. When I would wake up with nightmares, he would come in, comfort me, and when he felt me stiffen up, go back to the couch to sleep. Sometimes he did this multiple times a night I had horrific PTSD nightmares for some time. I would come into a room, he would greet me, and if I needed to be alone, he would leave and I would find a clean room, my sitting place ordered, or some sort of small gesture that he would leave for me to find.

Keep trying. Don't smother her, but keep trying. Even if it seems like it's making no impression, I am pretty darn sure that she is noticing and, once the pain subsides a bit, will remember everything that you do and do not do, during this time. Best of luck.

hardlessons posted 9/10/2013 21:55 PM

I am in IC, reading self-help books, reading books on affairs but I continue to get stuck on showing that I do care about her healing.

Many times we get so stuck on complying that we don't get it, that's why you can do all that and still not get it or get violent. If you did love her in a "healthy" way you would not want her around you till you figured your shit out and could offer her some level of healthy interaction.

At some point you have to take her and every other thing out of the equation of how you decide to act/feel/behave. It is all you and until you have that holy shit, there are no reason for me being a dick than that's what I am, until I had that moment I could try to comply till the cows came home and it wouldn't matter.

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/11/2013 19:11 PM

BS here... hope it's okay for me to reply since no stop sign.

You can't break through the wall. She has to let you back in. And the only way she can let you back in is if you show her through actions over a long period of time that you are really changing. It takes more than a few days or a few weeks to establish this.

I personally want my WS to understand the pain and hurt that I feel on a constant basis. I want him to understand that I don't want to be this person, but this is the person that I am right now because of his actions. I think if you can truly put yourself in her place and try to feel the things that she feels, you'll be able to know how to respond to her better. In every situation, just ask yourself how you would feel if it was reversed and what you would want your BS to do for you if it was reversed. And then try that.

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