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BeyondBreaking posted 9/10/2013 10:28 AM

My husband and I are coming up on our first holidays together as a married couple. And, luckily, we are in total DISAGREEMENT about hot to divide the holidays between his family and mine.

My parents are married. My grandma and uncle and aunt (mom's side) live in the same city we do. My daughter spends every other holiday with her dad (my ex).

His mom and stepdad live in Arizona, and rarely fly up here for holidays so as of right now, this is not an issue.

His birth dad died when he was 11, but he is still close to his grandpa and his aunt on that side of the family. His grandma on that side died in May. The live close to us as well.

His grandma and grandpa and uncle, aunt and cousin on his mom's side of the family live close to us as well.

We got marrid 1 month ago. My parents paid over 12k for our wedding.

As a wedding gift to us, his grandpa (dad's side of the family) gave us a generous downpayment for a house for us. We are trying to close on said house right now as a matter of fact.

So that is the set up.

Last year, I didn't have my daughter for thanksgiving. He insisted that I spend thanksgiving with his mom's side of the family and him (his grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, and a few of their family friends). Even though my parents were hosting thanksgiving at their house and having my mom's family AS WELL AS some of my dad's side of the family over, I agreed and spent thanksgiving with his side of the family.

Thanksgiving is coming up this year, and husband is INSISTANT on spending it with his grandpa and aunt from his dad's side of the family. He wants to invite them over in our new house for thanksgiving. He thinks it is only right considering it was his grandpa who gave us the house downpayment, and his aunt who talked grandpa into it. He says that thanksgiving will be the first major holiday in the new house, and it would be rude not to invite them over. In addition to the money argument, he brought up that his grandma on that side of the family "just died" in may of this year, and he doesn't usually spend holidays with that side of the family at all. Grandma's death has opened his eyes and he is realizing that grandpa won't be around forever, and he wants to start spending holidays with him. Yes, we spent thanksgiving with his family last year, but it's a different side of the family so it's not the same people.

I disagree. We spent thanksgiving with his family (different side of the family, but still his family) last year. It is only fair that we spend thanksgiving with my family this year- especially considering that I have my daughter this year (and won't have her next year).
My argument is that is SHOULDN'T be about money- but since he is bringing it up, my parents have ALSO spent a lot of money on us this year (not as much as his grandpa, but still).
Additionally, MY grandma died in February this last year. He isn't the only person who has had a grandparent die this last year- I am very sorry about his grandma- but he doesn't get to dictate all of the holidays.

I tried to offer a compromise. I have my daughter christmas eve this year (he has to work...says he "didn't realize" what year it was and that I wouldn't have her for Christmas) and she and I will be spending it with my parents and grandma and aunt/uncle. We will basically do our big christmas celebration on christmas eve- and I said we can spend christmas day with whoever from his family he wants to. Nope, not good enough.

Que the name calling- I am a selfish, ungreatful person who only cares about my family and my daughter.

*as a side note, the house we got is big, but not big enough to host his whole family and my whole family, so that is not an option*

Opinions??? How do other couples divide the holidays?

little turtle posted 9/10/2013 10:51 AM

I was going to suggest that you host until I got to the bottom where you said your home isn't large enough to host both sides of the family.

Is it possible attend 2 parties in one day? Go early to one, eat and then go to the other for dessert? And rotate the order each year. For example, this year go eat with your family and then have dessert with his. Next year, eat with his family and dessert with yours.

BeyondBreaking posted 9/10/2013 11:17 AM

I would say yes- but our families live far enough away that going from one house to another would take a long time.

He is hell bent on hosting. I agree with him- it would be nice to host in the house with the people who gave us the money for the house. But we already spent last year with his family, and I don't understand why we couldn't have his family over for christmas or something in the house.

[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 11:17 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

lynnm1947 posted 9/10/2013 11:20 AM

Christmas should be easier than Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve with one group; Christmas Day with the other. Next year, reverse.

Can you do two Thanksgiving dinners, different days? Or is that sacrilege? We Canadians are much more flexible on Thanksgiving than Christmas! Ours is tied to a weekend.

dameia posted 9/10/2013 12:08 PM

I think you would be amazed how many people you can cram into a house.

Really, it might be a bit uncomfortable, but I bet if you really looked outside the box you would be able to come up with a way to fit everyone in your house.

For instance, instead of a traditional sit-down Thanksgiving feast, how about a Thanksgiving buffet? You can put folding chairs out around the house, and people can line up, fill their plate, and then go find a place to sit down.

I did this one year at my WH's family's home. It was tiny! I'm talking a one-story, 3 bdrm, 1 bath home. Probably barely 1000sqft. They must have had 20 people there. And everyone was having a good time. They were sitting on couches, chairs, even the floor.

Crescita posted 9/10/2013 13:37 PM

I'm a big fan of the off holiday day celebration. More time to prep, stores are open if you need anything, people don't have to choose between families. Besides, ten years from now, you will remember getting together to celebrate the holiday, it won't matter as much if you can recall what day of the month it was.

If you are just trying to celebrate with as many people as possible, people have to appreciate that your heart is in the right place.

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