"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cytron posted 9/10/2013 10:33 AM

Many of you read my earlier story about finding out about my spouse's affair with a "friend" and co-worker and how he has a wife with a newborn child.

I am dropping the bomb of my knowledge of the affair on Saturday, but torn about whether or not to tell his spouse. Many of you responded with HELL yes tell her and I am prepared to do so, but I am so concerned for her and her baby.

My spouse has ruined our marriage and lives of our kids forever, but do I want to do that to someone else. It may come out during the whole process, but I am not sure how it would unless someone slips up and tells her or she finds something like I did.

If I decide to tell his wife about what a son of a bitch he is and what he did to my family and her's how would you recommend that I go about it? Letter, phone, personal visit?

sailorgirl posted 9/10/2013 10:38 AM

You are not blowing up her marriage and family. Her lying, cheating husband did that already. She deserves the truth.

Reegz posted 9/10/2013 10:41 AM

I agree with sailorgirl. The husband already chose to hurt his marriage by going outside of it. She deserves the truth.

Tred posted 9/10/2013 10:41 AM

Her lying, cheating husband did that already. She deserves the truth.

Bingo. Rule #1 of being a BS is you didn't cause the affair - therefore you are not responsible for the consequences. Her husband was the one who signed up to protect her, not you.

Josephine01 posted 9/10/2013 10:42 AM

cytron,

You should tell her, even though it's hard. The way she will find out? He could do it again with someone else. It won't be about your wife, but he is putting his BW's life in danger (STDs and other things like this).

How to go about it? Wow. . . I think that I would want a face to face. It all depends on the BW.

Good luck and (((Cytron)))

confused615 posted 9/10/2013 10:55 AM

You need to call her and speak to her..no email..no facebook..no voicemail...all of these come with the risk of her WH finding the message before she does.

You are not doing anything..except providing this woman with the truth..that she deserves to know.

Im 3 years out. The very worst part of ALL of this has been the lies..I hate being lied too...I have every right to know what has happened in MY marriage...I am a 41 year old,intelligent woman,and I have every right to make my decisions about MY life based on the truth.

You would be giving this woman an incedible gift. The gist of knowledge..the gift of the truth.

Tell her. Do NOT tell your WW that you are going to do it...chances are high that she will warn OM..who will make up some story about you being a crazy abusive husband,accusing all male friends of his wife of having an affair with her.

Be kind. Stick to the facts. Keep your opinion about her WH out of it..or her instinct will be to tune you out and defend him. Offer her a copy of all of your evidence.

Please tell her.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:56 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/10/2013 11:02 AM

Cytron, it's not your place to decide whether his wife is emotionally capable of hearing the truth or not. That isn't your call to make.

This woman should at least be given the same options you were given - the ability to make EDUCATED decisions about her future based on the reality of her marriage, not the fake reality he's painted for her at home.

She deserves nothing less than the same knowledge you've been given.

Do the right thing and tell her. What she CHOOSES to do with the information is on her, but at least give her the opportunity to make her own choices.

whyohwhyohwhy posted 9/10/2013 11:03 AM

I sure as hell wish someone had told me.

It would have given me information that would have helped at the time.

I think you should tell her.

Stronger4it posted 9/10/2013 11:22 AM

Agree with everyone else. She needs to know. Do it gently. Provide proof. Don't tell your S you are doing it.

And I really like the idea of it coming from you, the BS. Somehow its more honest. Or at least your agenda is honest. You want that A to stop wreaking havoc on both your lives.

I wish my WBF's AP had a spouse. Sadly (on many levels) she lives with her Mom.

cytron posted 9/10/2013 11:25 AM

Should I tell her before I confront my spouse or after? I am thinking of calling her to ask her to meet me afterwards. Not sure how to handle the best way for me.

Tred posted 9/10/2013 11:41 AM

Before. Don't give your spouse a heads up - a lot of times they will notify the AP, and the AP will try and muddy the situation.

Reegz posted 9/10/2013 11:42 AM

Cytron, you need to tell her BEFORE you confront your spouse. That way your spouse has limited damage control/coverup possibilities. Ask the spouse to not confront UNTIL you're done. This is difficult but if done properly is the most effective way.

jackson posted 9/10/2013 11:45 AM

Ideally it would be good is you both confronted at the same time. Leave no room for the WSs to get their coverup story straight. The OM's BS needs to know for her own wellbeing. No telling what diseases he may be bringing home to his family. Also you and your WW need to be checked.
Wishing you well on the confrontation. Don't let her lay the blame on you or the M. It is solely on her.

1Faith posted 9/10/2013 11:45 AM

Yes, tell her before telling your WW.

She will try everything to talk you out of it.

It is simply the right thing to do.

I admire your not wanting to hurt her but it will hurt her worse to live with a liar and a cheat.

If she knew wouldn't you want her to tell you?

Just be as gentle and as matter as fact as you can. Have details and dates/times so she can back up your message.

I am sorry you are here but the other BS deserves to know. What then then do with their marriage is their business.

Hugs and prayers.

LeopoldB posted 9/10/2013 11:46 AM

You need to tell her so she can be tested for STDs. There is no guarantee that your wife is the only woman OM has slept with. She and her new baby need this knowledge.

confused615 posted 9/10/2013 12:04 PM

If possible,call her an hour or so before you confront your WW. Do it during a time when your WW is home and busy,so she won't be checking her facebook or her phone..actually..take her phone ad hide it until after confrontation. You don't want OM to warn your WW,or vice versa.

Sparkle0504 posted 9/10/2013 12:51 PM

"The very worst part of ALL of this has been the lies..I hate being lied too...I have every right to know what has happened in MY marriage...I am a 41 [43 in my case year old,intelligent woman,and I have every right to make my decisions about MY life based on the truth"

She needs to know and face to face.

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/10/2013 13:46 PM

I agree that the BS of the OM should be told as close to your confrontation time as possible.

Your wife and the OM are ALL about covering their butts at the moment, and if you completely shatter their united front, their little house of cards will fall and they'll have no strength or unity. You'll also effectively be eliminating their opportunity to pre-rehearse some cock and bull story that of course, minimizes what they've been up to.

Divide and conquer. Sounds cold and harsh, but that's what it is.

atsenaotie posted 9/10/2013 14:36 PM

Hi cytron,

Should I tell her before I confront my spouse or after?

Do whatever works for you, there is not perfect way. You have an awful lot on your plate just now, and you are still in the early stage of what was a life altering drama for most of us.

It is good if you tell her. If it is after you confront your WW and your WW calls OM and he tells his BS that a nut job is going to call her, well you have done your duty. If you tell her ahead and your WW finds out and starts deleting things and going underground, well you already know what you need to know. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to do things “right”. What you are going through is difficult, the damage is already done.

Best wishes to you.

Camalus posted 9/10/2013 15:11 PM

Please tell the other betrayed spouse.

Do it right before you confront your wife so she doesn't have time to contact POSmOM.