"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Newlease posted 9/10/2013 11:00 AM

We are on week 3 of our shared household. It's been going well. SO has bonded with my cat. He still won't pet him, but they have regular conversations (very cute), and SO seems to be worried when the cat is in seclusion (under our bed).

The chores are getting worked out. We are still in disarray because I've been slowly bringing more boxes over and we just don't have a lot of storage space. We have both given up/sold/donated a lot of stuff, but there is still a lot of stuff that needs to find a home.

I'm the kind of person who likes everything to have a place that looks neat. He's more tolerant of clutter than I am. I'm trying to (gently) organize things. He has banned me from organizing "his" half-bath. I figure I need to give him that since he graciously moved out of the main bath so I could take it over.

Last night was the first night I felt like I needed some ALONE time. I was raised as an only child because my siblings are all much older than me. I spent 24 years raising my family and having very little "me" time. For the last 8 years I have lived on my own and spent a lot of evenings/nights by myself.

Somehow I feel bad asking/telling SO that I need some alone time. Last night I went outside and sat on the patio for awhile. He came out and sat with me. I love him and I don't want to come off as a bitch.

Standing up for myself has always been a struggle. I am such a people-pleaser, esp. with the people I love. He claims he understands my needing some space, but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

GAH! This is going to take some work.

NL

7yrsflushed posted 9/10/2013 14:07 PM

Congrats on the move and I think needing some alone time is normal. What's even better is you actually telling your significant other this and him understanding. As a man I can attest to the fact that we suck horribly at reading minds. So tell him what your needs are even if it's some time to yourself to recharge and keep the lines of communication open. I wish you the best in your new situation.

hexed posted 9/10/2013 17:20 PM

:) I like your update. It sounds like this is going well and you're getting to ease in to it.

I totally get the alone time thing. I am an only child. My relationship with my X provided a lot of alone time.

TG and I have done a good job communicating about that. He needs to hibernate sometimes too. He doesn't say 'I need to be alone' He just goes to his office or another room. He will give me a hug or something at some point. I know that means he's not upset, he's just taking his space. I just go upstairs or something and he gets it. We've talked about it. We even have a little/plan routine. You might try that. We've also learned to just sit together and be quiet on the back deck.

HappilyUnMarried posted 9/10/2013 18:16 PM

Thanks for the update NewLease! Sounds like you guys are talking and communicating and I think that is the key...

I'm totally paying attention because my SO is moving in to my house at the end of the month and I am also concerned of losing my "me" time. That time is precious to me too.

Trying to clear out my guest room so SO can have a place to escape to... And when he escapes... I do too! My bedroom is "my space". SO knows I need my own "space", and he does too. I hope our move goes as smoothly as yours. Keep on keeping us posted!!!

gardenparty posted 9/10/2013 18:42 PM

Nice update! So happy for you. I have a code phrase that I tell my SO when I need a bit of space. I tell him that "I am going to putter for a bit" and he immediately knows now that I just need to be alone for a bit. He did worry at first that I was upset or mad but now he understands that I just like a little bit of time on occasion.

ladies_first posted 9/11/2013 11:31 AM

I love him and I don't want to come off as a bitch. ... I love him and I don't want to come off as a bitch.

I'd use this as a Communication "benchmark." Set the mood, then ASK HIM:
"Because we love and respect one another -- when one of us perceive differing needs/opinions ...
*HOW would you like us to raise issues?
*WHEN would you like us to raise issues?

It's time to calmly discuss expectations.

ETA:

My SO has been single for 4 years and retired for 3 years. He has been enjoying a pretty happy-go-lucky existence since he stopped the 8 to 5 grind.

Please be sure to "recognize and appreciate" that his days are spent alone, and while he may be eagerly awaiting your return from work for some quality time, you hope he can appreciate your OCCASIONAL (??) need for Alone Time.

Good Luck!

Happy Housewarming!

[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:39 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]