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Joanh posted 9/10/2013 11:21 AM

Ups and down anxiety and hurt feelings, fun, laughter, love and communcation.
Hurt on both sides and then he has to go back to work. The work thing is such a trigger for him, his anxiety skyrockets and his world falls down. I try so hard to not fall too because he says it makes it worse for him, cause he knows when he does, how it affects me. I am trying not follow the same pattern today. But we both were so sad today with him leaving. It was bad before my A, with him leaving. Neither of us wanted him to be away we just didn't speak of it and I hardened myself to it built a wall. Which lead to many resentments and diconnection for me. So I am keeping my wall down and it hurts. I know there is some codependency issue there , at least I think so. When he's home I feel so much stronger supported. When he's gone I am lost for a bit. That's where the hardening stepped in. I go into overdrive I just do. I'm like that with most hurtful or depressing situations. Ie deaths, abuse, breakins. etc. I am learning to not do that. Be strong but not hard and bury my feelings.
Its just so hard. I hate his job. But we both know nothing else pays like it does and we both want for me to be available for our children who are only 6 and 8. So for me to work outside of the home, not an option.
I'm sorry to dump this morning, but he just left and we both were crying and so wanting to keep holding each other. That I just needed a place to talk it out.
Thanks for listening.
Its going to be one of those days.

floridaredman posted 9/10/2013 12:08 PM

How long is he gone?

TxsT posted 9/10/2013 12:17 PM

JoanH....

Can totally understand the wall thing with a hubby who travels away for work. I did exactly what you did, built big walls around my heart so the hurt didn't hurt every time he left. The walls got so think they eventually kept everything out, including H.

Luckily, H has a new job now and does not travel. We don't have to deal with this unless one of us has to fly to help out our children.

T

Joanh posted 9/10/2013 14:39 PM

This time it should be only 5 to 7 days. Never know for sure. Its a relief position. Works the gas and oil industry. We've gone consulting instead of being permanent employed, money was better. This had been decided years ago. The problem with it in this position he holds. THere is no routine, schedule. Makes it difficult to know when or if he's coming home. We are both on the same page though as to him not working away or to make it that he works only a few months outof the year way. He is set on keeping our home and "farm" it is great for raising a family and it gives us the freedom of priavacy and is close to town, and it is beautiful. Almost self sustaining. Debt from previous business does not allow for him to just quit and move home. And really he works less days than many its just he's not home. It's getting better though.
And its nice to hear that others know how that feeling feels when you are left behind even though I know he's coming home, its like a part goes with him. I really don't know if thats love or co dependency. It's hard to know the real somedays. I think its my heart is missing my other part and thats my husband. I know it just got to the point I shut it off so often that it got stuck. If that makes sense. My mind tells me, your fine, you have allways done whatever needs to be done. And he will be home in a couple of days, that heart is sure a finicky part . It just screams so loud sometimes.
I was reading a little on the Love Dare off of Amazon preview. And it talks about not following your heart. because it is in the now. So different than what is talked about or nature way of living is talked about. Maybe I was wrong but its saying even in the bible god is saying don't trust your heart. Crazy. So much to think about