Well, here I am. Never, in my wildest nightmares would I have guessed she could do this to me. Brief (maybe) background. Me 35 male her 25 when we met. 46/36 now. I had a 16 year old son who I raised by myself (his mom was no mom from start, whole other story) since birth (me teen at time). Never married his mother and accepted I would never marry. I was born with a congenital birth defect and I get that I am not the physical guy of any girls dreams. But, not a bad looking guy. Although, very traumatic early years with a total of 18 reconstruct and all time spent in burn ward. PTSD diagnosed . She had just came out of a way to early marriage that she was cheated on, in. No kids. We worked for a non profit, I was tech guy her non tech personnel. I saw her and was just floored! We became friends first, did it right, I thought. I had initially set up her user account and as we became friends, we started to email, chat, flirt etc. it grew fast! She comes from a very down to earth wholesome family and despite everything I thought I knew about me marrying, I proposed. We were married, happily I thought, for just under 10 years. We had our first son 7 years in with a little help from clomid. Our second son came last 6-29-13. More clomid and tons of discussions about the affects of another child. Money, love, family, life insurance stuff ... I mean everything! She convinced me a second son was ready to join our family!
Cut to dday - 9-5-13. I discovered an email while doing a data restore from her old LT to her new one. It was between someone who had found his way on to my radar over a year before via text messages that just seemed way to familiar to me. I knew this person kind of works with her but that is all I knew. I asked her then, if there was anything that might be inappropriate about this relationship. I was not really confrontational or even worried anything was going on. We had discussed the importance of honesty especially concerning any sort of cheating! Both of us had been a BS. She knew, we both knew and agreed it would be better, that if the time ever came, we were open and honest with anything from attraction, flirting, everything up to and including cheating. Anyway, she was all "ew, no way! There is nothing inappropriate and never could or would be with this or any other guy!". Reassured me of her love and commitment and we moved on.
Then, dday, the email was not to explicit in and of itself but it had suggested that apparently, his wife had received some of their sext messages but he managed to get away with it with a "little ass kissing". She was happy about this and glad it would not affect her "special **** time and more important her magic mike time! ;-) ". Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated at the implications of what I had stumbled on to! I confronted and she did not know exactly what I had seen so she went in to denial mode. When I told her what I saw she began to explain it away as a simple misunderstanding. Then after much 'discussing', she admitted it was simply "flirting". But, I knew, especially at this point, there was more to what she was telling me. So, I pushed a little further and finally got it out of her that it was just flirting in the beginning but he began to get more graphic (on his part) and once that happened she "broke it off". Claimed complete truth and said there is nothing else! You guessed it, there was more! After several truth dances, I said, you "know what" I am going to contact his wife to see what she knew. As well, I am going to run a few programs and retrieve these deleted text messages.
Cut to 5 days later-
She was of course lying about the depths and her involvement in every way. As I started to press harder and get closer to the truth, she would suddenly "remember things". She held out as long as she could about every detail until the point to where we are now. First, she sent him a "warning" that night I had threatened to contact his wife! More concerned for him or me? This, according to the latest "level" of full transperancy, this started about the time we started to try and get pregnant the second time. During the next 4 months, according to her, that it never went PA but it was a "deep EA". They would share, in graphic detail there sex dreams about each other. Fantasies about each other. Specific places meeting up, his work, her office, parks, gym showers, etc. it was GRAPHIC! She had created a secret email address, which I gained access to, he was the password and security question. And of course, everything had been deleted. She left enough in her text messages that I could tell what was going on but the more graphic stuff was covered up so much that it was un recoverable. (We had a lot of this discussion via text and I was able to eventually get her to actually type in the graphic details - saved) They had meet for "lunches" (after claiming never). she would come to her office (after claiming never) after calling for permission of course. She says the only contact was a "slap on the ass" and he was a side hugger, so of course there was those (after claiming never to each individually at diff times). This was all going on pretty much the whole time she was pregnant with our second son. The full details are so devastating in and of themselves but add the baby in to the mix and that is just messed up beyond comprehension! Oh, and he and his wife had a child during this time as well. She put the question of paternity in my head and is now mad at me because "how could I possibly think that"!
Where I am, five days maybe 6 hours total of sleep. I have managed to eat very small parts of three meals. She says, "that's it, you know everything"! But do I? She said its over but is it? She went in to her phone and email and deleted all of his contacts, as a show of good faith. I was like, seriously?! That proves nothing! She gave me access to the secret email but everything was gone. She warned him so all traces are gone on his end, maybe he deleted hers as well, it was their secret account! She said it never went PA but did it? If so, before my son was conceived? Born? She says he meant nothing to her and it was just fun and exciting! "Nice to be wanted and desired by someone else". Yes, she "enjoyed it" but covered her tracts well, only came clean after confronted. And then each subsequent level of truth as backed in to each corner. She says she wants to reconcile and "make this right". But, can she? She says that before, you know the year previous suspiciousness about the same man, was just that and that nothing started until that 4 month time frame. She says it was never even close to becoming PA but besides the graphic sexting part, it followed the same mo as when we first started dating, flirty emails, nicknames and all. So, was it? I am sure I don't have to list all of the emotions that comes with something like this but again, add the baby stuff in there!?!?!? Damn! Add the disability stuff on top of that and damn damn! The OM is a law enforcement officer, works out, NPD, the whole deal. Her descriptions were all pretty clear and she admitted she was very attracted to him, even after the initial "ew..." Statement. She is a therapist and knew the depths her cuts would be if caught, she knew would they would be deeeeeep!!! But, she did it all the way she did and well, here I am! She was it! The only woman I ever loved enough to marry. The only woman I've ever trusted enough to marry. The only woman I loved and trusted enough to go through the parent thing with! I love my sons more than life itself but now, a dark cloud of doubt and devastation hangs over the second one. Even if their EA never went PA, still the memories are now forever connected. The things she was doing, saying, fantasizing, sharing with and about with another man. Devastated just don't cover the way I feel!
Anyway, there is of course more, but trying to nutshell as much as possible. This was one of the first sites I found about the combination of sexting, infidelity, emotional affairs, etc. I found a little comfort just knowing I could vent here with the possibility of feedback from folks who have dealt with similar issues. Sorry to be so long winded and thanks for sticking until the end! -wellhereiam