Cut to dday - 9-5-13. I discovered an email while doing a data restore from her old LT to her new one. It was between someone who had found his way on to my radar over a year before via text messages that just seemed way to familiar to me. I knew this person kind of works with her but that is all I knew. I asked her then, if there was anything that might be inappropriate about this relationship. I was not really confrontational or even worried anything was going on. We had discussed the importance of honesty especially concerning any sort of cheating! Both of us had been a BS. She knew, we both knew and agreed it would be better, that if the time ever came, we were open and honest with anything from attraction, flirting, everything up to and including cheating. Anyway, she was all "ew, no way! There is nothing inappropriate and never could or would be with this or any other guy!". Reassured me of her love and commitment and we moved on.
Then, dday, the email was not to explicit in and of itself but it had suggested that apparently, his wife had received some of their sext messages but he managed to get away with it with a "little ass kissing". She was happy about this and glad it would not affect her "special **** time and more important her magic mike time! ;-) ". Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated at the implications of what I had stumbled on to! I confronted and she did not know exactly what I had seen so she went in to denial mode. When I told her what I saw she began to explain it away as a simple misunderstanding. Then after much 'discussing', she admitted it was simply "flirting". But, I knew, especially at this point, there was more to what she was telling me. So, I pushed a little further and finally got it out of her that it was just flirting in the beginning but he began to get more graphic (on his part) and once that happened she "broke it off". Claimed complete truth and said there is nothing else! You guessed it, there was more! After several truth dances, I said, you "know what" I am going to contact his wife to see what she knew. As well, I am going to run a few programs and retrieve these deleted text messages.
Cut to 5 days later-
She was of course lying about the depths and her involvement in every way. As I started to press harder and get closer to the truth, she would suddenly "remember things". She held out as long as she could about every detail until the point to where we are now. First, she sent him a "warning" that night I had threatened to contact his wife! More concerned for him or me? This, according to the latest "level" of full transperancy, this started about the time we started to try and get pregnant the second time. During the next 4 months, according to her, that it never went PA but it was a "deep EA". They would share, in graphic detail there sex dreams about each other. Fantasies about each other. Specific places meeting up, his work, her office, parks, gym showers, etc. it was GRAPHIC! She had created a secret email address, which I gained access to, he was the password and security question. And of course, everything had been deleted. She left enough in her text messages that I could tell what was going on but the more graphic stuff was covered up so much that it was un recoverable. (We had a lot of this discussion via text and I was able to eventually get her to actually type in the graphic details - saved) They had meet for "lunches" (after claiming never). she would come to her office (after claiming never) after calling for permission of course. She says the only contact was a "slap on the ass" and he was a side hugger, so of course there was those (after claiming never to each individually at diff times). This was all going on pretty much the whole time she was pregnant with our second son. The full details are so devastating in and of themselves but add the baby in to the mix and that is just messed up beyond comprehension! Oh, and he and his wife had a child during this time as well. She put the question of paternity in my head and is now mad at me because "how could I possibly think that"!
Where I am, five days maybe 6 hours total of sleep. I have managed to eat very small parts of three meals. She says, "that's it, you know everything"! But do I? She said its over but is it? She went in to her phone and email and deleted all of his contacts, as a show of good faith. I was like, seriously?! That proves nothing! She gave me access to the secret email but everything was gone. She warned him so all traces are gone on his end, maybe he deleted hers as well, it was their secret account! She said it never went PA but did it? If so, before my son was conceived? Born? She says he meant nothing to her and it was just fun and exciting! "Nice to be wanted and desired by someone else". Yes, she "enjoyed it" but covered her tracts well, only came clean after confronted. And then each subsequent level of truth as backed in to each corner. She says she wants to reconcile and "make this right". But, can she? She says that before, you know the year previous suspiciousness about the same man, was just that and that nothing started until that 4 month time frame. She says it was never even close to becoming PA but besides the graphic sexting part, it followed the same mo as when we first started dating, flirty emails, nicknames and all. So, was it? I am sure I don't have to list all of the emotions that comes with something like this but again, add the baby stuff in there!?!?!? Damn! Add the disability stuff on top of that and damn damn! The OM is a law enforcement officer, works out, NPD, the whole deal. Her descriptions were all pretty clear and she admitted she was very attracted to him, even after the initial "ew..." Statement. She is a therapist and knew the depths her cuts would be if caught, she knew would they would be deeeeeep!!! But, she did it all the way she did and well, here I am! She was it! The only woman I ever loved enough to marry. The only woman I've ever trusted enough to marry. The only woman I loved and trusted enough to go through the parent thing with! I love my sons more than life itself but now, a dark cloud of doubt and devastation hangs over the second one. Even if their EA never went PA, still the memories are now forever connected. The things she was doing, saying, fantasizing, sharing with and about with another man. Devastated just don't cover the way I feel!
Anyway, there is of course more, but trying to nutshell as much as possible. This was one of the first sites I found about the combination of sexting, infidelity, emotional affairs, etc. I found a little comfort just knowing I could vent here with the possibility of feedback from folks who have dealt with similar issues. Sorry to be so long winded and thanks for sticking until the end! -wellhereiam
You don't have to decide anything today. Focus on you. Eat, drink, sleep.
Watch her actions.
I do have bad news though, chances are quite high that she hasn't told you everything. Chances are quite high that it went much further then pats on the ass (I mean who is she trying to kid?!?)
So what do you do now? In the immediate, please just remember to breathe and eat and sleep and keep posting. You will find a lot of support here.
Has she written a NC letter to him? (NC = No Contact) What is she willing to do to help figure out why this happened? and to help repair the damage that has been done? or is she still in fantasy land? You need to out the affair to his wife...This is a lot I'm throwing at you but food for thought as you wander through this maze of infidelity...
From what you've said, you might want to get a paternity test on your child. You know that your WW was with the OM before she got pregnant and she has lied to you. No matter how mad she gets, get the test done. Your WW should have no problem with you easing your mind. If the child is yours then you'll be ok. If it's not, well.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
She says she is going to write NC letter tonight. No, she is not willing. She thinks I should just forgive and move on. She "promises she is going to prove to me things are going to get better". I have sent messages to his wife but only through FB and she does not appear to be an everyday user. Not sure if she has or will see the messages. If her WH, my wifes OP, has access, he was warned so he may be monitoring and deleting them.
She is also mad because I am trying to look for 'help' on the internet. She says "we are not them! Just because their spouse went from EA to PA does not mean she did". Currently, she is shut down and p!ssed off ... at me!!!
[This message edited by wellhereiam at 2:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
Get the DNA test done.
If she had no doubts about paternity, it would not be an issue.
You never know, It could be possible she suspected an OM pregnancy when talking you into child 2.
Covering her arse....
Cover your arse now, you need to know if the baby is yours. Don't back down
Feeling even lower ... I did not think it possible but well, here I am.
Now, to the more immediate. The A was definitely not your fault. Absolutely in no in uncertain terms is any part of her cheating, your fault. It doesn't matter what the dynamics of the marriage were, it is never an excuse to cheat. Once I realized this, I began to get stronger and lift myself up from the lowest I have ever felt in life.
Knowing this FACT may give you the strength to have calm conversations with WS. As painful as those early conversations were, I got the most detailed information from my WS in the beginning. As time went by (it has been about 5 weeks now) he clammed up and claims that discussing it is not moving forward. Rugsweeping. It takes time for us to process this, and you in your field are probably very analytical and thorough. This may help you in dealing with this mess, and it can also be a curse because you think about every possible scenario and outcome. The truth - her telling you the truth, or your finding out on your own, will certainly help. I would not stop investigating, the more you know, the more you can make a more informed and rational decision on how to proceed. Do not make any rash decisions now. Lack of sleep and the shock of everything may influence you negatively. For now, breathe. Eat. Sleep. Try and stay calm, and gather information. I am very sorry for your situation, and pray you will stay strong. Remember that you are stronger than you know.
Please notice that SHE is mad at YOU for HER actions.
Personally, I would not console my spouse or even feel bad for his 'pain.' His pain was because he got to see the pain he willingly inflicted upon me; no comparison. Don't let her bamboozle you into apologizing to her! She has stepped over some major boundaries in this inappropriate relationship. Regardless of whatever issues you may have or the two of you have together - none of that gave her 'permission' to have a relationship with someone else.
Eat a little. Drink water as often as you think of it. Try to sleep. DRINK WATER. Many people get dehydrated when their world gets crazy just because they forget. Dehydration will cause a headache, dry mouth, foggy brain, lack of tears, urine or sweat, less skin elasticity (check on the back of hand,) sunken eyes ... and can literally send you to the hospital. Dehydration often leads to kidney or urinary tract infections; which are very painful.
Please take care of yourself. Your boys need you to be as well as possible. Get someone to stay with you if you can.
I am so very sorry you are here. Really really sorry you are here.
Failure to attempt is failure.
I am in pretty much the same boat. My D-day was in June. My story is very similar to yours. My WS is due in 3 weeks, and I already setup a paternity test.
The one thing you have to remember is that cheaters lie when they're caught, and continue to just give you enough info to satisfy your questions, if any information at all.
I had to dig very deep, threaten to go through logs in order for the truth to come out.
Paternity test is first. Then, you can decide what to do.
My wife carried on a couple EAs behind my back. She also cleared out her email. I was able to recover work emails that she had deleted and emptied trash (Outlook Web Mail). I was too late discovering her Hotmail emails as well. If she used either of these and you have the user name or password please PM and I can offer advice to help recover those emails.
Recovering those emails is how I cemented that my wife had EA#2 and from there I tracked text messages to verify EA#1.
I have highlights of some of the EA#2 emails in my profile. I have to warn you that they can be very triggery. I had posted them before and asked people to verify that I wasn't being crazy that it was really an EA. They said it was, rereading them now over a year later I can see that they are. Don't let yourself be told that just because they were flirty texts/emails that they weren't necessarily an EA. An EA can be just as bad as a PA.
More importantly than the above if you believe she is having/had an EA and you want your marriage to survive don't rugsweep it, force her to do work if she wants (and you want) to save the marriage. We rugswept my wife's first EA, we acknowledged it, but didn't say much more than it can't happen again. TWO MONTHS LATER it DID! I laid down the ground rules to my wife of my expectations Transparency/Counseling/Disclosure. She did transparency but not the others. Now a year and half later she seemed surprised when I left her. I moved out this last week and it was finally a wake up call for her. Although now it may be too late.
If you want to save your marriage then force her to start doing work now. If you let it sit the doubt/non-trust will eat at and erode your marriage. Don't let her think that it can be rugswept.
I still find myself constantly looking for answers. Searching for details. I would love to be able to track down the actual messages to confirm everything. Again, the text messages she sent me eventually were very graphically detailed. She admits it was an EA and how very wrong it all was. I believe pretty much everything she is telling me but just with all of how everything has happened. It all is still eating at me. We are both very much committed to R. Her tears are real, her pain IS visible, which is why I believe so much of what is now seemingly "everything". But still, if I could only find out exactly what I need to know to confirm. She has asked for a leap of faith on my part to believe in her. I want to give it to her, I really do. Not KNOWING, is hard. But she, we, our family is worth whatever we have to do to get to R. We both agree on that.
She is okay with me contacting the OP's BS. As difficult as it may be for her, she understands the motivation behind this. It's not about revenge or hurting the OP but about doing something for her that I would want someone to do for me. I will be starting that soon.
There has been a couple of 'Hysterical Bonding' episodes take place and ... WOW! In a weird way, I have never felt closer to her. As wrong and hurtful as it all was/is ... could one ever kind of think, "I am glad that it happened"??? That's a million dollar question right there! Cause I can't really say that I am glad that it happened but if it takes us to a place we would have never gotten to, am I glad it happened? Holy sh!t! I am sooooo confused!!!!
7 days since dday ... still can't really sleep, or eat much if at all but I am trying. (lost 5 lbs, so far) Staying hydrated, I think. Take care folks and I wish you all peace and understanding!!! I'll be back. This is very cathartic, no one else to talk to so ... THANKS!
Keep trying to contact the BW. Have keylogger and VARs everywhere.
Right now your heart is trying to dictate what you want to believe. But we all know what happens when our hearts prevail over our minds. Bottom line here is that cheaters lie and liars cheat. And they do that quite well. And most WS are some of the best actors out there. Oscar worthy I might add. You don't need to make any decision right now about your M. Get as much information as you can and make an informed decision at another time. Make sure not to tip your hand as to your investigating. Let her think all is good with the world. A WS thinks they are really good at covering their tracks. But most actually suck. They leave a paper trail a mile long. Your an IT guy you know how to get this info. You just need to follow it to the truth. We have a saying here. "TRUST, BUT VERIFY" I think you should follow that creed.
And lastly, please try and take care of yourself. See your Dr. if things get to be too much. Don't be afraid to take meds if prescribed. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. Your health both mentally and physically needs to be monitored closely. I strongly would suggest some IC as it really helps. You might be wondering why I'm being so pushy as to how you should proceed. And the answer to that question is that I've walked in your shoes. DNA and all !!!! Welcome and please keep posting and reading.
I agree with other posters that you need to go into information gathering mode..
A WS may initially act remorseful and do all of the right things.. Only time will reveal the motivation of the WS for acting remorseful..Is he or she acting remorseful just long enough to pacify the BS (in order to keep all of the comforts of home and routine ) until such time that the affair can go underground? Or is he or she feeling real remorse with interest in remaining faithful to the BS and saving the marriage? One doesn't really know either / or until consistent actions are seen over a long period of time..
Recovering from infidelity is a walk down a long road...years.. Healing takes place whether or not the M survives..In order to be equipped and have strength for the journey ahead you must focus on yourself and pace yourself..Do things that make you smile, think thoughts and do activities that keep you strong, healthy and sane...
Having a friend IRL or an individual counselor to talk to will be immensely helpful in helping you to sort things out in your head..
Wishing you peace and strength
Good idea to get legal advice to know where you stand..Make it a condition of R that she must agree to and sign a post nup..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:14 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
But she was in blame shifting and blaming your disability, she wants you to move on without asking any questions, when she had the epiphany that you are her world and soul mate? Which switch she turned on which allowed her to see everything good about you?
But I think, she is manipulating you, she may be playing according to the script of OM and your wife. But why? She dont want to accept that it was sexual, if she accept it you will ask for paternity test.
Why she is fearing this paternity test?
There is more to this story than what she is feeding you, take your time before you jump into R or you starting to trust her blindly. She is in damage control and wanted to rug sweep the A without addressing it properly. If you rug sweep it and act as if nothing happened she will do it again in few months.
Get tested for STD/HIV and get a paternity test done (if she is so sure about the paternity then she wont have any difficulty in doing it).