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Who are they? Really?

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Lovedyoumore posted 9/10/2013 13:14 PM

Do any of you coming through the A question your knowledge and recognition of the person you married? After long term relationships, do you feel as if you do not really know your spouse? I have a nagging feeling that I have never known my H after 30+ years. Who is this person in my life for so long that I see as a stranger? How do you handle this along with R?

struggling3 posted 9/10/2013 13:19 PM

Are you saying that you think your H has behaved this way all along and you never knew it? Or are you just feeling that the person you know and love would not behave like this?

I think the latter is pretty normal. They have traumatized us and our relationship and that can take many years and them bending over backwards to help heal that.

If the first is your thought...wow...I don't know for sure if I could heal with that thought. I actually try not to let that thought in at all...too disturbing.

Searchingforhope posted 9/10/2013 13:28 PM

I struggled with this..Like you we have been together almost 30 yrs.

I am just starting to not discount the previous 26 yrs, before the A...I am giving my H credit for the fact that up until that point he was a good father, good husband etc...

And now since he is really doing his very best to be even better at it..he is really becoming a great father and a great husband.

But I will admit that right after DDAY and up until very recent, I couldn't see any of that...I was very focused on his poor behavior and judgement and could not see any good.

During his A, he really was a different person...and I know that he is haunted and ashamed of the person he became. It sickens him..the
whole thing.


I just try and remember that, and appreciate what he was before and is becoming now.

TxsT posted 9/10/2013 13:40 PM

I agree with all of you. I honestly couldn't believe my H was capable of doing what he did. I searched and searched for anything I had missed. It wasn't until the time line fog lifted, around 8 months, that I got to start feeling that I didn't have to throw away my whole life.....just the 4+ years of the A. Listening and talking through the mountain of crap made me realize just how much of a saint he was to look beyond the now sex for probably 15 years. I have often said he deserves a medal on that front!

I am also glad to have retained most of our previous years of good memories and I am now looking forward to making many more positive and more loving memories in the future.

T

kansas1968 posted 9/10/2013 13:56 PM

I could have written your post. I have even told our counsellor and my WH that we have been married for so long but we really did not know each other until this happened. The person I am married to was so familiar but I really didn't know him.

The person he is really is not quite as good as I thought in many ways, but better in some ways. It has been an interesting trip getting to know each other.

ItsaClimb posted 9/10/2013 14:20 PM

My fWH and I were in the same class at school from the age of 11, we've been together since we were 17yo.... After D-Day I felt I had no idea who he is. I'm still battling with that a year later. I thought I knew him inside out, really I did... now... I don't know, it's like all this time he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sad. Really, really sad.

Simple posted 9/10/2013 14:26 PM

Yes. In my case, he was pretending to be someone else that he wanted to be and his real self is a lost, selfish, unable to cope liar. He was wearing a mask the entire time and that's who I married. So after DDay, I realized who he really is and told him there's no way I would've married him. We've been in R 5 years now and he's now become the man he wanted to be or thought I married and more.

So yea, it's not unusual because WS present a mask to you in essence.

devasted30 posted 9/10/2013 14:28 PM

I agree with Itsaclimb - I look at my WS and think, "Who is this guy" "Where is my husband" "Where is the guy that I trust with my whole heart and with my life" "Where is the guy that I knew would never, ever hurt me"????????????????
Where is that man? Oh wait, he never really existed!!!

crazyblindsided posted 9/10/2013 16:04 PM

Yes. In my case, he was pretending to be someone else that he wanted to be and his real self is a lost, selfish, unable to cope liar. He was wearing a mask the entire time and that's who I married. So after DDay, I realized who he really is and told him there's no way I would've married him. We've been in R 5 years now and he's now become the man he wanted to be or thought I married and more.


This ^^^ 100%

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