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doubleboggy posted 9/10/2013 14:20 PM

I found out 5 months ago that W had ONS with her first love only 4 months into our almost 20 year marriage. I had gut feeling at the time that something wasn't right but she said nothing happened and I was all too eager to believe her. I knew when we got married that she had a rough childhood and no good marriage role models but I was "in love" and thought love would get us through. Problem was she didn't love me at the time. She married me because I was stable and could offer her love, security and a good life. OM was a fun bad boy. He was and still is a total loser mind you but some women sure like them bad boys. Being young and stupid at the time, I didn't realize any of this. Marriage was a real rocky start but thing got better through the years until we had, I thought, a pretty good marriage. Then, 5 months ago I had a meaningless dream that she was cheating on me. I woke up and told her about it and she laughed. Then for some reason that I cant explain, I asked her if she cheated on me with Bad Boy all those years ago. I was totally unprepared for the truth but she finally told me about her ONS. Since she was in the truth telling mood, I asked about a guy she was friends with while we were engaged (I had a feeling but no proof). And BAM, two for two. She is very remorseful and said she loves only me now and wants us to stay together and her favorite go to line "it was a long time ago".
But the question is, after 19 years of living a lie, how do I know that there isn't more? I think I can live with what she has told me, but what about what she hasn't told me? It is hard to get her to talk about it and there is a lot of I don't remembers, but she said there is nothing else. I am gone a lot for work so there has been lots of chances in the last 20 years. So do I believe that she just woke up sometime in the first year of our marriage and decided to be faithful?

kiki1 posted 9/10/2013 14:43 PM

I'm sorry Doubleboggy. I understand the pain isnt any less due to it being so long ago. Its new to you. I have no good advice on your question, really, most of us will never know the full truth. It might drive you bonkers, racking your brain to try and figure it out now. I'm sure someone will be along soon to further help you. I just wanted you to know you'd been heard and understood. You could try reading some of the items in the healing library, the yellow box at the top left of the screen. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. hugs Double

wifehad5 posted 9/10/2013 16:17 PM

doubleboggy,

Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us

My story is somewhat similar to yours in that I found out years after it happened. The problem with this is that is was all fresh for me. My wife had "dealt" with it by boxing it up and trying to forget. It took a long time for her to remember the details.

Based on what you've posted, it's hard to say if there's more to the story. I'd ask her what changed that got her to stop what she was doing. She got something out of the two affairs. What was it, and what did she replace it with?

RockyMtn posted 9/10/2013 16:27 PM

What a tough situation.

Normally, I don't tell BS to censor themselves at all. You let it out - all the anger, sadness, rage, everything.

But given that you have a LOT of years unaccounted for, I'd actually suggest trying to create as warm of a situation as possible. As in, make the questions or probing gentle. Be positive and supportive. I just don't think she's likely to come forth with anything if she feels she's going to lose you or you're going to be forever angry. I mean, she got away with it for 20+ years. If she feels you're going to respond negatively/leave her, she may roll the dice as she did with the others and hope they stay hidden for so many years. If she is lying, she may also feel confident that so much of the evidence is detroyed/non-electronic/lost if any additional As took place in the early years.

I also suggest you discreetly snoop like hell through her email, phone, etc. Things from 5,6,7 years ago could still be lurking in there.

I hate that advice, really, because you shouldn't have to make this easy for her. But I don't see how such a "successful" liar will stop lying (if she is) unless the conditions are right.

For what it is worth, double, all of us who have experienced an A go through this - what about all the other years? The other times? For many of us, we discover As we weren't even looking for.