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PhoenixRising88 posted 9/10/2013 14:28 PM

There’s a restlessness lately…. It’s hard to define.

December 22 will be two years since D-day. In a lot of ways things are really good.

But the anger never really left. For most of Year One it was buried under hurt and grief. But it seems to be working its way more and more toward the surface. That and I guess the ‘plain of lethal flatness’, as many people call it, has arrived as well.

Do I still love him? Yes. Still in love with him? Eh. Depends on what day you ask me. Do I trust him again? Not particularly, never 100% again. Some days it hovers around 85-ish, other days it plummets. Doesn’t make him happy to hear that, but like I told him, had he not tried his best to throw us away we wouldn’t be here, so suck it up buttercup, this is his fault.

I am taking a trip with my mom and sister the first week of October; we’re heading to a family reunion. We fly back in on Oct. 7th. On Oct 6th H has to fly out of town for a work conference / trade show and won’t be back until Oct. 11. So we’re about to go over a week without seeing each other. We’ve not been apart longer than overnight since D-day happened.

And part of me is worried that he’ll do something again. After all the crap he pulled in May was with me in the house! (For those who missed that post of mine, he started up with porn again – I literally caught him red-handed about 4 a.m. the Thursday going into Memorial Day Weekend. As I believe it’s that kind of crap that started the slippery slope to the EA, it’s a problem for me). So who knows what he might do with me physically not around for a week?
And part of me kinda hopes he does go ahead and do it again so I can quit speculating about it and we can call this ball game and I can move on.

Part of me says keep the exit plan I built back on Memorial Day weekend of this year in place cause at some point he’ll place his head back up his A$$, it’s just a question of when, and I will need to be able to move out and on with my life quickly.

What’s wrong with me? Has anyone else been here?

nekorb posted 9/10/2013 15:54 PM

No advice, but I wanted you to know you've been heard and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

(((Hugs)))

still2suspicious posted 9/10/2013 17:19 PM

it’s just a question of when, and I will need to be able to move out and on with my life quickly.

I'm sorry I don't know your full story, but if getting out is your goal (not sure it is) then are you working on detaching? And what does it matter if he does it again if you want out?

Or, are you just venting? I totally get that, but also want to support you if getting out is your main point?

Simple posted 9/10/2013 18:55 PM

Some people have post-nuptual agreements. Maybe that may work for you?

2 years is a good length of time but honestly it can still come and go and 2 years is not really that much if you think about it. What I have done is focus on the actions so far. Our emotions can be frayed and sometimes it's better to put our logical hats on and see the facts before us. What actions are there on BOTH sides for R? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it showing maturity on both parties?

I hope that helps.

PhoenixRising88 posted 9/10/2013 19:21 PM

Or, are you just venting? I totally get that, but also want to support you if getting out is your main point?

Venting mainly. I'm just....you know what? I am pissed off. We had a great thing, something I had searched for for a long long time. Not saying it was perfect but from my viewpoint it was pretty damn good. And he just threw it away like trash.

There are only two things I have ever, ever asked of him, since the first day we got together. Don't lie to me, and don't cheat on me; I'd rather you leave me first. I had been devastated by both before and made it very clear why those two things were so vitally important to me. And he spent seven years with me, getting my guard completely down, and then - he cheated and he lied.

So now eyes are wide open. No more fairy tale yada yada. And I know that whether my marriage stands or falls I can and will be okay. Does that mean I am throwing in the towel? No, but it does mean that my allergy to bull crap in any form is at an all time high.

PhoenixRising88 posted 9/11/2013 14:15 PM

Just read the following in another post:

It's like instead of being afraid and hurt all the time, I'm ok. I'm ok with being without WH if it comes to that. I'm excited and confident about the life I could lead with him if this R is real but also equally confident about a totally different outcome.

yeah, that about sums it...

1Faith posted 9/11/2013 14:25 PM

Nothing is wrong with you. If we are honest with ourselves we have all felt what you are feeling.

You want to be hopeful but the memories of the devastation are too vivid for you to totally let your guard down. Understandable.

IMO, I also think the time apart is triggering your deepest, darkest fears (again, understandable).

Remember the only thing you can control is you. If he is going to cheat or check out porn, then he is going to do that and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

All you can do is define your boundaries and stick to them.

We all fear additional DDays. You are not alone.

Go have a great trip and just keep taking one day at a time.

Hugs

JalenB521 posted 9/11/2013 14:44 PM

I'm in the same boat regarding knowing that I'm gonna be okay no matter how my efforts at R play out. My WW works the night shift so there are a lot of times when I'm at home with a lot of time to think while she is at work, where OM also works. I know that I cannot build trust unless I really give it a chance, but it's very hard.

heartache101 posted 9/11/2013 15:41 PM

oh the anger phase!!
Yeah go ahead bud do it! Make my day!

Yep you are all normal...
Been there done that.

Know that if he is a good boy you will be relieved..Kinda..

It is scary going thru this. You know that he can be good or bad...He has a 50/50 chance here and lately he has chosen wrong.

Believe in yourself..Enjoy the family reunion.
Change your flight schedule and show up at his work thingy...Surprise and hopefully it will be a good surprise!

Yes I think all of us have an exit plan of sorts at all times now..That is the sad side of this.. It is a plan none of us want to use but it is there.

PhoenixRising88 posted 9/11/2013 16:22 PM

Change your flight schedule and show up at his work thingy...Surprise and hopefully it will be a good surprise!

Since i can't do both trips (too long away from work) he's actually been trying to talk me into bailing on the family reunion trip that I've been committed to since March and go with him to Atlanta for the work thingy instead, as a means to try to avoid the worrying.

Kinda cute and kinda not - It hit me square on the noggin that changing / cancelling every single thing I want or need to do just to try to avoid triggers is counterproductive. It puts them in control of me, not me in control of them. KWIM?

So I am just trying to remember to breathe and knowing that he's going to do what he's going to do irrespective of if I'm there, if keylogger is or isn't on laptop, etc.

sisoon posted 9/11/2013 16:33 PM

12/22/10 for me.

I think being betrayed brings grief, fear, and anger with it. Healing requires getting through all 3, but there are no rules for sequencing how you do it. You can even leave one feeling and come back later.

I think the best way of handling it is the way you're doing it - on your own schedule, in your own sweet time.

Besides, it's getting to 2 years from your 1st D-Day, but it's less than 4 months from your last D-Day. That sort of resets the clock and restarts the decision.

PhoenixRising88 posted 9/11/2013 16:38 PM

Besides, it's getting to 2 years from your 1st D-Day, but it's less than 4 months from your last D-Day. That sort of resets the clock and restarts the decision

For me, it most definitely reset everything. Because he had a front row seat for the devastation he's caused me beginning in Dec 2011 - and consciously chose to betray me again in May of this year, having witnessed everything I've been through with this crap.

So it most definitely set us back, pretty much all the way back to the beginning...

PhoenixRising88 posted 9/11/2013 16:40 PM

I also want to say - While it really really sucks to be here (situation), I am SOOOOO thankful that I have a place like SI where I can come and share and be understood even when what's happening makes no sense at all..... Thank you all, I really appreciate you!!!

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