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Today is 30 days since DDay

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FoggedIn posted 9/10/2013 14:38 PM

Today is exactly 30 days since I had confirmation/proof of the infidelity of my WH with a prostitute. It's been an extremely distracted, unfocused day, which stinks because I have a ton of work to do. But it will wait until tomorrow I suppose.

I'm still 'Fogged In', not sure if I'm coming or going. WH is remorseful and trying to do 'almost' everything right to repair the M. I say 'almost' because he still does not want to talk about the actual event at all. When I come to him with questions or need to talk, he usually says it's hard for him to talk about it and then the whole convo just goes south. We've been in MC, and the counselor has said that he needs to realize that talking about it & him answering questions is part of my healing process. Although WH still hasn't succeeded in that yet.

He is being patient, understanding and remorseful, which has helped tremendously! However I found out a couple of days ago, because I was able to recover deleted text messages from his phone, that he lied to me on more than one occasion about how much he paid for the night that blew up my life! It doesn't even make sense why he would lie about it.... what's the difference between $150 or $200 at this point? I'm more sick that he chose to lie, than the fact that he spent $50 more on this whore.

I know I'm getting TT, I'm terrified there was more than 1 prostitute, or escort or ONS or whatever! Of course he 'assures' me there was not, it was only once........ whatever

Not sure how or if I will ever get to the truth of it. I will say for me a deal breaker would be to find out 6 months or a year down the road that there were 5 ONS instead of one. That he didn't take the chance now to be 100% honest for the sake of the M and my own healing.

On top of dealing with all of this, we've had disasters with DS (WH step-son, but WH is the only Dad DS has ever known, his bio-dad is dead). DS is 16, threatening to move out, says he's tired of the lack of relationship between him and WH...... ironic! But true, they've had a strained relationship since day 1 pretty much. There have been times of improvement, but WH has never been the Father DS needed. And for some reason, now, in the middle of all of this, it all came to a head.
It seems that we've overcome a hurdle with DS, because of the actions of WH towards him. I think, for now, it is better. I pray WH can continue to be the man DS needs in his life. If I'm killing myself trying to R because I love WH, & it turns out he and DS can't work it out, then the W is doomed anyways.

I'm literally unsure how I am still breathing everyday.

I'm grateful for SI and all the advice/encouragement/wisdom I've found here. I read the boards just about everyday, I don't feel like I am at a place to comment on others posts, I'm no help to anyone just yet. I hope to be a source of strength and wisdom at some point! But I am thankful for all of you that have reached that point in your journey!!

LA44 posted 9/10/2013 16:35 PM

((F0gged In)) Just wanted to offer a much-needed hug to you. I can somewhat recall 30 days out for me enough to say that I was a mess.

because he still does not want to talk about the actual event at all.

What exactly do you need to know about the event? Perhaps you could write down some questions and email them to him. He can respond that way.

Me and fWH talked A LOT in the first few weeks but I also took to paper as well. Sometimes it is easier to ask and answer through the written word.

I wish you well.

Needadrink posted 9/10/2013 16:39 PM

How can he not want to help you to heal! I am so angry at these selfish WS that refuse to cough up with details. Until you get details you will never move forward. I believe the one's who don't want to disclose have still got something to hide.My D Day is 3 Months tomorrow found out WH had been having A for 18 yrs on and off due to us moving country a few times. He came to me to confess, he has told me every sordid little detail at my request otherwise I wouldn't have given him another chance.I really didn't know him at all but I am starting to like the person I am seeing now. I really hope you get your answers sweetheart you deserve to know, maybe you should give him an ultimatum.

fromthisdayfwd posted 9/10/2013 16:55 PM


I am so sorry.

I don't remember 30 days after dday. The first six months is condensed into about a two week time frame of little mini-bits that I do remember. Those bits are like snapshot scenes from a movie.

I hope you are doing much much better than that!

I pray you will get the answers you think you need for your healing.

HUGS again.

Landoes posted 9/10/2013 17:02 PM

I cannot imagine finding out while having to work.
Gladly, I found out during the summer, which I have off because of my occupation.

It's amazing that we get through each day without completely losing it.
Best wishes

iwillNOT posted 9/10/2013 17:04 PM

FoggedIn, hugs to you. I am only a few days further into this than you. I'm so sorry you have to be here.

Can you think of, say, your 3 most pressing questions, and ask them during your MC session? My WH and I haven't started our MC yet, just IC, but maybe your H would be more forthcoming with the buffer of the MC there? ( or with the MC's hopefully well-honed bullshit meter aimed at him?)

I wish you peace.

FoggedIn posted 9/10/2013 22:03 PM

Thank you all for your responses!! Seriously today has been rough & feeling alone in all this seems less so with all of you!! XO

Questions I have?? A lot of them. I'm trying to decide which are in fact important necessary questions & which may just fog my head further.
I'll list my random questions (in no order) & if you have experience with these specifics with your WS please elaborate. I'll admit my imagination is my worst enemy! The imaginary mind movies (since I don't know what happened) are awful! Some questions relate to how we relate/interact with each other, or we used to, which may be why those details are important to me. Idk....

Where did he find her? Craigslist I presume....
Where did the communication between the 2 start? I have emails, but they start sort of mid-conversation. There was clearly communication before what I've seen.

Did he undress her? (Personal question, he always used to ask me to undress myself, I told him often I wanted him to undress me...)
Did she undress him?

He swears he didn't screw her.....
I need to know what went down exactly. Spent $200 for a hooker & didn't have sex??? He admitted to some vague details, but it doesn't add up. He says no sex, no BJ, no anal.......

How could he text her & me simultaneously for over an hour before it happened & still go through with it? (May never have an answer for this)

What drove him to want a hooker when he has a hot wife, 13 years younger at home, where nothing is off limits in the bedroom, amazing sex happens very frequently?

He's a very publicly recognized person & has an amazing job, we have 6 kids, a grandbaby, I own my own business. Who risks all that for a nasty hooker, 40 miles from the Mexican border??

He spent all day arranging this 'meet up' (emails & texts verify). It's possible it started before the actual day, but with missing emails I don't know. And when I arrived the next day (he was on business trip, he asked me to join him a day later) he was going to let me crawl in that bed with makeup & sex smeared all over the sheets & have sex with him.
How can he be ok with that?

I think I'm rambling now........I'm sorry!
I need to get stronger in MC, we've both been so nice at MC. Our counselor said the nice would have to be put away eventually to get through this.

I have an absurd filter that keeps me from saying what I want to say or need to say. If I was making coffee with my 'filter', all you'd get was water!

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